Hilarious Child Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Child Jokes

Why was the anti-vaxxer‘s 4 year old child crying? Midlife crisis

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As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man

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Remember, as a child, when air for your bike was free? Now it's $1.50! I asked the gas station attendant why. He said "inflation"

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TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.

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My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

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A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

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My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

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I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...

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What do the testicles of a priest look like? Silly question, every child knows that.

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After the UN summit, it was really shameful to see so many people basically openly mocking a mentally challenged child. Though to be fair, Trump probably had it coming.

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I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

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They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but... A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

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I only sleep with antivaxers 3 years of child support is way better than 18

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Have you seen the new Exorcist movie? This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

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My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!

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Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds? Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive Luckily my older brother told me about it

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What did the librarian say to the child? **Read More**

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My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

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My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat

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As a child I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine As I got older I realized it was just a phase

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A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

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When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she’d be a comedian No one’s laughing now.

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The Doctor asks the patient: "Does your head hurt?" Patient: "Yes it does, doctor."

Doctor: "Good, now are we vaccinating your child, or do I have to slap you again?"

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My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.

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My girlfriend yelled at me because I apparently treat her like a child. So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.

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"Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

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What's it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get in a fist fight? Alien VS predator

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Dark humor: Explained Dark humor is like a child with cancer

It never gets old

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Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

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My parents just said they want another child. "I'd love a sibling!" I said.

"That's not what we meant." they replied.

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What do you get if you drop a piano on a child? A flat minor

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If a Muslim beats his wife, would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

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Kylo Ren: I've always hated being an only child Han: You're not an only child. You're a Solo child.

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"We Do Not Have A Child Slave Colony On Mars." They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.

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What do you call an illegal immigrant vs. a child molester? Alien vs. Predator.

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What do you call it when two flowers have a child? Plant parenthood.

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How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet. How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

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New Child Jokes

What shoes do child predators wear.... White vans

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I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come.... Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

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I called the hospital and pleaded, "Doctor! She's going into labor and her contractions are coming really fast! What should I do!?" "Is this her first child?" he asked. "No, this is her husband!"

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I lost my child, and you cant imagine the stress... that just went away.

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How to get gum out of a child's hair? With leukemia.

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My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control. I told her it’s because it’s child-proof.

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At my therapy session today, I suddenly remembered that as a child I was molested by a clown. I never knew I had IT in me.

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Dark humor is like a child with a fatal disease It never gets old

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My parents just told me they’d love another child. I said, “I’d love a little brother or sister!” They said, “That’s not what we meant.”

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Child soldiers are important They form the infantry

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I gave a deaf blind child my seat in the taxi After he ran over several people I began to contemplate my decision, I told him to stop but he just wouldn't listen

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My dad is a magician he could turn alcohol into child abuse

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I was made to walk the plank as a child. We couldn't afford a dog.

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But your Honor, if you are what you eat Then i really am an innocent child

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I remember my mother telling me, “I have no favorite child.” Harsh seeing as I’m an only child.

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My sister walked up to me this morning and with disgusted look on her face said to me: ‘You’re on drugs again!!!’ She could be right.. I’m an only child.

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What do you you call a film about an illegal immigrant fighting a child molester? Alien vs. Predator

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I stepped on snail once as a child. I guess it was my first crush.

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How do parents punish their blind child? They rearranged the furniture.

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My parents said they would never play favorites... Which is sad considering I was an only child

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My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice That must be why I’m an only child.

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If a muslim hits his wife... Is it considered domestic violence or child abuse?

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My financial situation is so bad... ...I'm being sponsored by a child in Africa.

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What is slowly making a comeback? The autistic child i just insulted.

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I saw a single set of footprints in the sand... "Lord," I asked, "why is there but one set of footprints in the sand?"

"My child," he tenderly replied, "Those are Chris Christie's."

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A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour... The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

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Why was the 3 year old African child crying? He was going through a midlife crisis.

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Naming a child I took more time to name my first Wi-Fi than my first child.

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Daddy, what are clouds made of? Child: Dad what are clouds made of?
Dad: "Well, EMC storage and VM ware ESXi servers, mostly.

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A young child asks his father, "Daddy, what are clouds made of?" "Mostly Linux servers."

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A child with cancer goes skydiving for his bucket list He's now at terminal velocity.

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I stole a stripper's child. It was like taking baby from a Candi.

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The Jetsons gave me unrealistic expectations for the future as a child Like having a wife who loves me and owning a dog

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Women are like parking lots. The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

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First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

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There's nothing quite as enjoyable as the sound of a child's laughter unless of course it's 3am and you don't have kids

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Why did the 3 year old African child cry? He was going through a mid-life crisis.

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What did the mother rope say to her child? “Don’t be knotty.”

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A child asks his mother why the bride wears white on her wedding day. His mother responds, "Because white represents happiness, and that's the happiest day of her life!" The child thinks for a while and then asks, "Then why does the groom wear black?"

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I was a stillborn child My mother didn't want me but I was still born

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There is a sign in my town that reads "DRIVE SLOW AUTISTIC CHILD" First of all, he has a name.
Secondly, if he has his license he should know good and well how to drive and there is no need to single him out like that.

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Today I learnt a school of piranhas will rip every inch of flesh of a child's body in under a minute.
Today I also lost my job at the aquarium.

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You know you are fat when ... you hug a child and it gets lost.

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Our family surname is “Daniels” So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.

She hates it.

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A priest, a child molester, and a rapist walk into a bar... He sits down and has a drink

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How is a punchline like a starving African child? If you spend too much time explaining why it's funny, it dies.

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What's the difference between a pound of cocaine and a 4 year old child? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a pound of cocaine fall out the window.

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What do you call an Illegal immigrant fistfighting a child molester? Alien vs. Predator.

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What do you call an illegal immigrant fighting a child rapist? Alien vs Predator

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I got arrested the other day after police found me covering a boy with melted sugar I was charged with child molassation

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What did the Indian child say to his mother before he left for school? Mumbai!

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When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

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My girlfriend has been crying for hours now after the loss of a child. She takes The Sims very seriously.

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What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson

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So there's a child and a gorilla... ...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.

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I went to a child psychologist once. He was rubbish. He was only seven.

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What do you call the birth of a retarded child? A special delivery.

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What's the difference between a Social Worker and a pitbull? You'll get some of your child back from the pitbull.

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I've always said that one man's trash is another man's treasure. But apparently that's not a good way to tell a child he's adopted.

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My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

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