Hilarious Comedian Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Comedian Jokes

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian... Nobody's laughing now.

Score: 17430

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!

Score: 2135

When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she’d be a comedian No one’s laughing now.

Score: 1603

People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian Well, no one is laughing now.

Score: 1384

People use to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian" Well nobody is laughing now.

Score: 951

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian. They're not laughing now.

Score: 832

When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian... well no ones laughing now.

Score: 636

I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet... I don't know why.

Edit: I'm thrilled at the response! I should say this is an original joke from British comedian Chris Turner.

Score: 571

What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States? The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

Score: 452

Score: 338

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Score: 317

I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian. He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

Score: 219

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president. Oh, Crimea river!

Score: 179

My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one... Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling very well.

Score: 152

When i told my friends i was going to be a comedian they laughed at me. They're not laughing now.

Score: 146

Bill Cosby was a great comedian... even his drinks tasted funny.

Score: 146

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

Score: 145

The punchline comes first. How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time?

Score: 142

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing? He couldn't handle the boos.

Score: 127

When they start with the punchline. How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?

Score: 124

People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian". well nobody’s laughing now.

Score: 109

When Amy Schumer was growing up, everybody laughed when she said she wanted to be a comedian... Nobody is laughing now

Score: 81

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety Whenever I’m on stage people keep laughing at me

Score: 77

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become. The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"

"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."

*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

Score: 68

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water? A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

Score: 67

I told a girl a joke. She said, "Don't quit your day job."

I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."

Score: 64

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies "I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

Score: 64

I told my mom I wanted to become a stand up comedian. She laughed.

Score: 57

Have you heard about the jewish comedian? They say he Israeli funny.

Score: 57

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said that she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody is laughing now...

Score: 55

I once told my parents I wanted to be a comedian They laughed. Parents are so supportive...

Score: 53

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

Score: 45

I used to steal other comedian's jokes. I still do but I used to, too.

Score: 44

The comedian made an entire audience laugh without speaking a single word No joke

Score: 42

A 10 years old comedian once said: Online dating is tough.

Every time i meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Score: 34

What do you call a cowboy comedian? A punslinger.

Score: 26

Why did the comedian hate going out? He only knew inside jokes.

Score: 22

Did you hear about the mosquito comedian? He was malarious.

Score: 22

I said my dream was to become a comedian... Everyone just laughed at me.

Score: 21

People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. No ones laughing now!

:(

Score: 18

New Comedian Jokes

My disabled friend told me a joke. It wasn’t funny, I guess he’s not a stand up comedian

Score: 3

England's greatest spy goes undercover as a standup comedian but gets heavily drunk before the show. As he fumbles up to the stage the audience starts booing, and he starts: "I'm Bombed. James Bombed."

Score: 2

Starting in 2020, whenever a famous comedian dies Jerry Seinfeld is going to go to their funeral and pretend to interview them on the way to the cemetery for his new TV show... *Comedians* *in Coffins Being Carried*

Score: 4

What do u call a comedian scientifically? A humor being!

Score: 2

They all laughed at me when I said I’ll be the funniest comedian in history But now, no ones laughing.

Score: 6

What’s a Jewish comedian’s favorite type of seafood? Fish schticks

Score: 5

I asked my friend, "What's the same about my jokes and Peter Pan"? And just before I could say, "They never get old," he replied, "They Neverland?"

^(This actually happened. My career as a comedian is over.)

Score: 9

What do you call a funny cripple? A sit down comedian

Score: 3

I wrote a book about a transgendered person with a speech impediment I call it: man or myth

*credit to comedian: Stewart Francis for writing the joke*

Score: 2

Everybody says that I should be stand-up comedian But I prefer sitting down.

Score: 2

I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy

Score: 13

You can tell how amazingly progressive the world's become... When you see countries like Ukraine, America, and China elect a comedian, a clown, and a cartoon bear to be their presidents.

Score: 2

How many Netflix documentaries will be made about the corruption of the Trump administration once a new leader is in office? 1, since every comedian is getting their own comedy special.

Score: 3

What's the difference between a soldier and a comedian? If the comedian bombs his set, at least he still gets to walk away.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the new mushroom comedian? Yeah he’s a pretty fun guy.

Score: 3

A Jedi would make a terrible stand up comedian. Their jokes would always feel forced...

Score: 4

I saw some horrible comedian making jokes about the Boston Marathon... Some lines must not be crossed.



(Source: Anthony Jeselnik I think)

Score: 4

Everybody teased Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian Well, no one's laughing now

Score: 4

I always wanted to be a comedian but my disability held me back. I’m a woman

Score: 3

What do you get when you cross a street lamp and a bad comedian? u/TheJenkinsComic

^^^(sorry buddy I had to do it, LOL)

Score: 2

Most of the time, people can’t tell I’m joking. Also, I’m a homeless comedian.

Score: 2

A husband and wife go and watch a stand up comedian At one point he's going on about how you should know all the small things about your wife. "Do you even know what your wifes favourite flower is?"

The husband leans over and says "Is it self-rasing flour"?

Score: 2

When she was young, people laughed at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian. Guess what, no one is laughing now.

Score: 6

Do you want to know why I can't become a comedian? I can't drive schtick

Score: 3

I went to a comedy club the other night, and the comedian didn't show up. No joke.

Score: 6

A doctor and a comedian walk into a bar Ouch.

Score: 2

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Job done!

Score: 2

My friend that lost both his legs has always wanted to be a comedian... But he can't stand up...

Score: 2

Why did the comedian get banned from performing for prisoners? His jokes made people break out laughing.

Score: 2

Why is Stephen Hawking a bad comedian? He can't do stand-up.

Score: 3

I know a Spanish comedian who specialises in short jokes. His name's Juan Lina.

Score: 17

So when I decided to be a stand-up comedian , I knew I had to be offensive. Because being a stand-up comedian is in itself a handicap joke.

Score: 2

My friends laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. .... Well they're not laughing now!

Score: 5

A comedian walks into a bathroom It's a comic relief.

Score: 5

What do a doctor and a bad comedian have in common? They both make people turn their heads and cough.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian? He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

Score: 8

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients. I hear his jokes killed.

Score: 12

What do you call a black comedian? A Laughrican American

Score: 4

Everyone laughed when I told em I was gonna be a comedian Well nobody's laughing now.

Score: 10

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian. Nobody is laughing now.

Score: 6

When Kathy Griffin was 10 years old, she stood up at the dinner table and announced to her family that she was going to grow up and become a stand-up comedian. They all laughed in her face. No one is laughing now.

Score: 8

All the kids used to laugh at Amy Schumer when she said she wanted to be a comedian when she grew up. Nobody is laughing now.

Score: 7

A comedian sneezes in the middle of his joke 'snot funny.

Score: 2

What the difference between a tube and a dutch comedian? One's a hollow cylinder and the other's a silly hollander!

Score: 4

What do you call an ex-comedy-central comedian's favorite organ? (x-post from /r/dadjokes) The John O**liver**

Score: 2

Did you hear about the boxer who became a comedian I hear he has a great punchline

Score: 7

Why did the ghost give up his career as a stand-up comedian? He kept getting booed off the stage.

Score: 2

My maths teacher just told us a mean joke... I thought he was a coMedian.

Score: 2

What's the difference between a Dutch comedian and a piece of steel pipe? One is a silly Hollander, the other is a hollow cylinder.

Score: 11

My friends and family all laughed at me when I told them that one day, I was going to be a great comedian... Well, nobody's laughing now!

Score: 2

Why did the comedian get kicked out of the hen house? He cracked one to many yolks.

Score: 2

Why did the comedian mermaid die ? Because it had a dry sense of humor .

Score: 3

They all laughed when I told them I'm going to be a comedian... well...they are not laughing anymore!

Score: 2

Bill Cosby used to be my rolemodel... Until i found out he was a comedian.

Score: 3

A comedian, a rapist, and the President of the United States are in an elevator .. and then Barack says to the other guy "Always liked you most in The Cosby Show".

Score: 1

I am both a comedian and a drug dealer I tend to crack a lot of people up

Score: 1

They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian Well...now they are not.
Wait...

Score: 3

What's the difference between a politician and a comedian? People care when a comedian speaks.

Score: 6

What do you call a comedian who couldn't make it? Pun intended.

Score: 1

A comedian is called to the IRS... ...they tell him he owes more taxes. He says, "Why?" They say, "Because we appreciated your humor."

Score: 9