Coronavirus Jokes

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Funniest Coronavirus Jokes

All countries eventually got coronavirus But China got it right off the bat.

What can the coronavirus do that the us government can't? Stop school shootings

I tried to make a coronavirus joke a while back Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.

Coronavirus ruining your plans for 2020? Save them for 2022! Cause 2022 is 2020 too.

My girlfriend is like the coronavirus I don't have the coronavirus

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today... Not every one of you, of course.

Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death Plaguearism

I like my women how I like my Coronavirus 19 and easy to spread

Coronavirus isn't Trumps Fault. Ebola wasn't Obama's Fault. Sars wasn't Brush's fault.... And only a handful of cases of herpes were Clinton's fault.

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

Coronavirus cases in North Korea update: 8:00: 1

8:10: 0

9:23: 1

9:28: 0

0:13: 1

0:20 0

1:47: 1

1:55: 0

I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.

3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus 6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus

xi jinping has coronavirus He is now called winnie the flu

Don’t worry, the coronavirus won’t last long. Because it’s made in China.

Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus but later decided to let it go.

Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.

I hope the Coronavirus issue gets resolved before tick season Or else we'll have Corona with Lyme

Corona virus is just like pasta The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.

Coronavirus update: Everyone at John Lennon airport has been quarantined. Imagine all the people

What's the best thing about telling a coronavirus joke? Everyone will get it eventually.

When do the coronavirus symptoms start to kick in? Right off the bat

I have always suspected that people are selfish and during disasters will only look after number 1... ...but the Corona virus is proving they are more concerned with number 2's.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be.. “Made in China”

I would tell you a Coronavirus joke But it would take 2 weeks to find out if you get it.

Taco Bell forced to shut down temporarily... Due to the Corona virus the shortage of toilet paper has made this step a necessity.

Harvey Weinstein has coronavirus Must suck to have something invade your body against your will.

My 6-year-old wrote a timely coronavirus joke What did the coronavirus say to the broccoli?


"Let's be friends", because we're both bad things.

Coronavirus arrives in the USA. Mexico: So, about that wall......

What's the difference between butter and the corona virus? Corona actually spreads

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus RIP uncle Jim.

The amount of bad Coronavirus jokes are starting to reach worrying numbers. Some scientist claim it might become a pundemic!

Look, if we're gonna get full-on racist about where the corona virus came from we might as well call it the Kung Flu.

Omg, the coronavirus has killed 12 Brazilian people! How many is a brazilian?

You can't be too careful with this corona virus... I just called my mother in-law not to come over for Christmas.

What's the difference between Coronavirus and my dad? Coronavirus only takes five days to appear.

Corona virus is kinda like my jokes Funny at first but people are starting to get concerned now

Whats the difference between the coronavirus and 737MAX? The coronavirus is airborne.

Why did the Coronavirus cross the road? Cuz it likes to walk old people to the other side.

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New Coronavirus Jokes

For the first time this year I didn't go in a European trip due to coronavirus Every year I don't go because of money

Next year we'll be laughing about the great Coronavirus fears of today \-Not every one of us, of course...

Y’all heard of that new disease called Delicious? It’s a perfect mix between Coronavirus and Lyme disease

It’s recently been discovered coronavirus spreads fastest on pirate ships It’s because they have a really high R number

In recent weeks, interest in reading long works of fiction has gone way down Due to the novel coronavirus

CDC announces a new dye that turns coronavirus black so police will kill it for us.

My Mom’s sister got Coronavirus so I bought her a new computer. The warranty said it came with free “Aunty-virus” protection software.

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

My buddy still plans to throw a party despite this coronavirus Please send him your thots and players

This coronavirus quarantine is great.. Today I set a new personal record for beers consumed during Mass.

A Coronavirus sketch I just watched on tv: A couple struggling to survive being cooped up at home are feeling a bit better as they finish off their fourth glass of wine for each. And the wife says "Well we made it to 10 am."

My wife and coronavirus have something in common. I have no control of either so I just learned to deal with it.

If the coronavirus were to come from somewhere in Japan, what do think Trump would call it? Probably the kimono-virus.

So there I was - - out of work, day drinking in my underwear and moaning about the future.

Then the coronavirus hit.

Chuck Norris Caught CoronaVirus The CoronaVirus is now hospitalized on ventilator support.

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now But you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you get it.

Doctors discovered that during the coronavirus quarantine your food tastes different. It’s either a symptom or it’s because everybody started washing their hands.

No wonder China is behind the Coronavirus We even saw a big red flag 🇨🇳

“Breaking news” Florida man with coronavirus arrested for coughing on people in public.

Says he was “spreading positivity”

Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus ​

Thor is in Asgard

Ironman died

Captain is now old

Hulk doesn't have much power. Rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona and China ate Spiderman and Batman.

60+ days off work, gas prices at an all time low, $1200... I know who I'm voting for... Coronavirus for president!

The spread of coronavirus depends on two things: 1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents. Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

Official Coronavirus Count over time in North Korea 12.01: 1


12.02: 0


13.16: 1


13.17: 0


16.24: 1


16.25: 0


...


...


...

They say one of the symptoms of Coronavirus is lack of taste Prayers up for everyone who thinks this is a funny joke format

I was in an airport A woman was taking my temperature because of the coronavirus

I was 1.8 meters and she was 1.5 meters, so I got down in knee just for her to take my temperature , and everyone started clapping


They thought that I was proposing

I hate this Coronavirus lockdown I havn't gotten laid since October...

Coronavirus has been very stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Have you heard that new Coronavirus song? It went viral.

Whoa! China is fudging their coronavirus numbers? Whoa! China is fudging their coronavirus numbers? WHO knew!

With over 1,000,000 people infected with coronavirus in the US, I’m beginning to fear for my own life Thank god I live in America.

Research from China shows the Coronavirus really attacks the Lungs As well as the Chans, Wongs, Lees and Lins.

Coronavirus could keep us in lockdown for years Get ready for the ‘Boring Twenties’.

What does coronavirus have for breakfast? Ebola cereal

All countries eventually got coronavirus eventually China just got it right off the bat.

COVID-19 joke I can’t believe coronavirus would just come into my body without permission,

It makes me sick.

Chuck Norris came into contact with coronavirus Coronavirus is now in 2 week quarantine

How did the coronavirus spread so quickly? Because Asians never fail tests

Trump got the idea of bleach curing coronavirus from Melania, that's the excuse she gave when he found her drinking it.

What do you call a coronavirus that targets crows and ravens? Corvid-19

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Long Coronavirus Jokes

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to the people."

"I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones."

Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

"Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Go see a play."

This Corona virus is a blessing

My wife doesn't want to travel anywhere.

She no longer buys anything online, since everything comes from China.

she doesn't go to the mall to avoid the crowds.

she spends all of her time in a mask with her mouth closed.

Best thing that has ever happened in my life.

Eminem is the first celebrity to be diagnosed with the corona virus

In a statement he said his palms were sweaty knees weak arms were heavy and presented to the emergency room the vomit on his sweater already .Later tests conclude it was in fact moms spaghetti

The Kansas Department of Transportation (KDOT) found over 450 dead crows on I-35 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by cars.

KDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah","Cah" not a single one could shout "Truck"!!!

A man with dwarfism walks into the hospital...

There’s a guy with dwarfism that showed up in A&E the other night in a foul mood, he was embarrassed because everyone kept looking at him so the nurses put him in a room alone.

He was assessed and it turns out he has bipolar disorder, so the nurses gave him some drugs to mellow him out.

Unfortunately while he was in the hospital he caught the dreaded corona virus, and last night slipped into a coma, becoming the first midget in the UK to fall victim to the disease.

So he started Bashful, saw the Doc, got Grumpy, then Happy. The drugs made him Dopey and then he got Sneezy and went to Sleepy.

A jew is in the hospital with Coronavirus

Moishe was put into a hospital with a confirmed case of Coronavirus, and so, is obviously quarantined.

The doctor came in and Moishe asked “Doctor, what can I be treated with?”

“Well,” said the doctor, “from today, you’ll be on a strict Matzah diet.”

“Matzah diet?”

“Yeah. Matzah for breakfast, matzah for lunch and matzah for dinner.”

“And that’s gonna help, doctor?”

The doctor considered him for a moment and said “Help? It might, or it might not. But its the only food that fits under the door.”

A church decides that god will protect them from the Corona Virus

As a result, **they all agree that they should not wear masks**, because they trust god so much. Weeks later, they all are infected and die from the virus.

They go to heaven and ask god, **"why didn't you protect us?"**

God responded **"that's what the masks were for you dumbasses"**

Medical scientists were doing some experimental surgery...

...they began by removing the left side of a patient's brain. When the patient woke up, they asked him to count to 10.

"1, 3, 5, 7, 9...," the patient said.

Fascinated by this, the scientists operated on the patient again, putting the left side of the brain back in and taking out the right side. When the patient woke up, they asked him to count to 10.

"2, 4, 6, 8, 10..." the patient said.

Seeking to explain this strange phenomenon, the scientists operated a third time, removing the entire brain. When the patient woke up, they asked him to count to 10.

The patient said, "Now, this is just my hunch, but based on a lot of conversations with a lot of people that do this, because a lot of people will have Coronavirus and it is very mild... So if, you know, we have thousands or hundreds of thousands of people that get better, just by, you know, sitting around and even going to work, some of them go to work, but they get better and then, when you do have a death like you had in the state of Washington, like you had one in California, I believe you had one in New York, you know, all of a sudden it seems like 3 or 4 percent, which is a very high number, as opposed to a fraction of 1 percent."

"China reports no new coronavirus local infections!" says a Chinese national to random strangers on the Internet

"But Hong Kong and Taiwan are still reporting in new cases" replied the random guy on the Internet.

"No… Hong Kong and Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"

A man goes to a doctor for a test result

The doctor comes back with the coronavirus test results and asks the patient whether they want to hear the good or bad news first.

The patient says: "First the bad, please."
The doctor says, "You have the coronavirus." "And what's the good news?" asks the patient.

Doctor: "I got engaged yesterday."

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

A chimpanzee, a gorilla and a baboon are communicating to each other across their zoo enclosures about which is the greatest primate...

"It's obviously me!" says the chimp. "I am most closely related to humans and can use tools!" "No, it's me!" says the gorilla. "I am the biggest of all primates and strongest!" "No, it's me!" says the baboon. "I am smaller than you apes but am the biggest monkey plus fast and cunning!"

But then, many people suddenly start yelling at the animals:

"You need to be dealing with the coronavirus crisis Trump, Putin and Jinping!"

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

**I've worked out this Corona Virus!!!**

**IT'S BEEN CREATED BY WOMEN!!!**

***Think about it.....***

01, No Sports.

02, All Pubs to shut.

03, 14 Days Quarantine *(so you can finally get those odd jobs done)*

04, Symptoms of Corona are flu like ......  THEY KNOW THAT'S OUR KRYPTONITE!

05, They've name it after a beer!

It’s either this, or that!

Wife: is my husband ok?

Doc: unfortunately, his test results got mixed up with another patient. We can’t tell if he’s infected with the Coronavirus or if he has Alzheimer’s...

Wife: so, what am I supposed to do now?!

Doc: take him to the woods, if finds his way back home, don’t open the door.

A guy is in a doctors office.

His doctor is there with him.

"I have two pieces of bad news," the doctor says.

"What are they?"

"Well, the first piece of news is that you have the corona virus."

"What's the 2nd piece of news?" he asks.

"Well, the 2nd piece of bad news is that you have Alzheimer's."

The man laughs and says, "Well, at least I don't have the corona virus."

The Coronavirus has shut down theater

Due to social distancing, the Shakespearean Theater Company had to cancel all of their live shows. Before self-quarantining, they decided to do one last performance of Romeo and Juliet and livestream their production over the internet. In order to reach a wide audience, they advertised there show on dozens of subreddits.

Before the show, they had the costumes, props, and theater disinfected to protect the health of the actors. However, the sanitizing process left the stage dangerously slippery.

Because of the shortage of household supplies, the maintenance team had no paper towels to wipe away the disinfectant, and they almost had to cancel the show. Luckily a stagehand had an idea. He found an old dictionary in the props closet, ripped out its pages, and laid them all down individually to cover the entire stage. This gave the actors just enough traction to safely perform.

The play was steamed tó over 50,000 viewers and went off without a hitch, The next day the producer tracked the stage hand.

"I owe you a debt l of gratitude! Your idea saved the day! I've been reading reviews online and everybody is raving about how much they enjoyed the show!"

The stagehand nodded confidently and said, "I'm not surprised. Redditors love a good play on words."

Contradicting Coronavirus advice!

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus... now research suggests the opposite. Then we’re told heat and humidity has no effect, but wait... direct sunlight might quickly kill the virus. So, if you come across some elderly bloke, standing in the yard, intoxicated and naked, leave me alone... I’m conducting important medical research.

Trump was taking a walk through the Rose Garden...

The Secret Service man behind him noticed Trump pausing every once in a while in front of a Rose, grabbing something from the stem, and then putting his hand to his his mouth. Curious, he walked up to the President, whereupon he realized that the President was casually grabbing ants and eating them!!!

**Secret Service**: Sir? What are you doing sir? That is unsafe!

**Trump**: Stop paying attention to Fake News! I heard on Fox that the best way to prevent yourself from getting the coronavirus is to have lots and lots of anty bodies!!!

Coronavirus Pandemic, day 16

If anyone is still out there, I’m alive but struggling. Food is running low. Down to only 459 days worth. My hands are super sanitized and my butt is super clean. Down to 1599 rounds of ammo (dropped 1 round down the heat vent while doing daily inventory). Power still on, but for how long? Missing human interaction but I have my dogs.. for now.. (I'm soaking their food in BBQ sauce in an attempt to marinate them from the inside in case I have to eat them) . I fear dark days ahead. News is all bad. Neighbors have attempted to leap from windows to their death, (or near death... most have single story homes so they are badly bruised). Blew through most Netflix series so may have to rewatch some again..Basic Survival is a definite challenge. I vow to persevere to the end, I am a survivor! Please, if there is life out there, communicate with me to help preserve my sanity....

Yesterday a casket at a funeral home magically came to life, and immediately got sick

It watched the news and became convinced it had contracted the coronavirus from it's intended inhabitant, a Chinese woman from Wuhan who had died of the disease.

The casket went to the emergency room at the nearest hospital. After overcoming her initial shock at diagnosing a casket, the ER doctor ran a blood test and determined the casket definitely did not have the coronavirus.

"But I feel like I'm dying doctor, and I only just came to life. If it isn't the coronavirus what is it?" worriedly asked the casket.

"I'm not sure," answered the doctor, "we'll have to run some more tests."

"But my fever, the pain in my lungs...what could it be? Doctor if you had to give me your best diagnosis right now without the tests, what do you think could be causing these terrible respiratory symptoms?"

The doctor thought for a moment then answered, "SARS cough I guess."

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