Hilarious Couple Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Couple Jokes

I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.

Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Score: 20731

Score: 16411

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Score: 12896

I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 7210

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Score: 3813

Just another dad joke WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 3229

Hipsters I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".

Score: 2492

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

Score: 2288

If you ever feel lonely... just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies. After a while, you won't feel like you are alone anymore.

Score: 2044

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?”



The wife replies, “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

Score: 2030

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic... Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

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“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate. “Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.

Score: 1248

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined. Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

Edit: McDonald's and Starbucks have a combined total of a couple museums.

Score: 994

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Score: 978

I asked my father how many a couple is. He said, “Two or three.” Which might explain why his marriage failed.

Score: 940

I asked my Aunt"How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.



Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.

Score: 882

Organised a threesome last night There were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time.

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Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married. Or settle down with a couple of kids.

Score: 743

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple I guess they didn't work out.

Score: 647

Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

Score: 619

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you. They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

Score: 551

When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.

Score: 542

A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives? Every couple
-my 8yr old daughters riddle

Score: 495

A young Korean couple are lying in bed... When the guy starts farting nonstop.

The girl, unable to take the smell, says, "Stop, that's disgusting!"

"Don't blame me", the guy says. "It's the dog."

"Oh, don't blame him", she says. "He was cooked perfectly."

Score: 419

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer “Honey,” she said, “there’s a couple things I need to get off my chest.”

Score: 411

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon. After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Score: 403

I organized a threesome last night There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a great time.

Score: 369

The king asks a commoner... "Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

Score: 335

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

Score: 294

A stork brings a baby to a couple... ...but a Swallow takes one away.

Score: 285

A couple was having a conversation, when... ...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

Score: 252

If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

Score: 219

I'm actually really happy with Trump's presidency so far. He's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

Score: 206

My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

Score: 160

I dated a couple of anorexic girls once. Two birds, one stone.

Score: 156

When I was young I asked my mum what a couple was she said,"oh two or three." And she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 139

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

Score: 130

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually

Score: 115

If you ever feel lonely. Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

Score: 106

Last weekend I organised a threesome... We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.

Score: 105

New Couple Jokes

What do you call a couple using the pull out method? Parents!!

Score: 7

If you give a man a candle he will be warm for a couple hours. If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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A couple of guys stole hundreds of cans of Red Bull from our neighborhood store. I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

Score: 45

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years. It was horrifying when I did the math.

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A young couple is in a bus. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Score: 7

Tip for when you are attacked by a bear Play dead.

It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

Score: 67

I just had dinner at a Chinese-German fusion restaurant a couple of hours ago The food was great but now I'm hungry for power.

Score: 24

A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

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A couple of cosmonauts were heading to the moon when the unexpectedly turned around Turns out the moon was full

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An Asian couple had an albino baby. Just goes to show, 2 Wongs can make a white.

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Cristiano Ronaldo Went to the barbershop for a new haircut. He went home to his girlfriend and asked, "Well what do you think?". She took a couple of minutes looking his new hair cut over and replied "Well... at least it's not Messi".

Score: 11

A married couple was eating at a restaurant when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. "He's been drinking since I left him seven years ago" she said to her current husband.

"That's silly, dear" he replied. "No one celebrates that much."

Score: 7

Driving home earlier I saw a young couple weaving all over the street. I told them 'Go get a loom'

Score: 7

I smoked weed with a couple of cows near a police station. The steaks were really high.

Score: 27

I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties... but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

Score: 13

I was at a funeral the other day and a couple in front of me were loudly arguing about which herb goes best with which fish... I could only think it wasn’t the Thyme or Plaice...

Score: 96

I had a threesome last night There were a couple of no-shows, but it was a good night

Score: 52

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

Score: 30

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or not... try missing a couple of payments.

Score: 48

I smoked weed with a couple cows near a police station a few days ago. The steaks were really high

Score: 24

I went to a flower shop on my way to the hospice and asked for a dozen roses... "I'm sorry sir, " said the florist, "I only have some with a couple of days life left in them. "

"No problem, " I replied, "that's more than enough. "

Score: 7

A Vietnamese couple met on Match.com and it turns out they complement each other perfectly You might say it's a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

Score: 43

What do you call a couple of nuns and a blonde? Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

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Why can't an Oriental couple have a Caucasian child? Because two Wongs don't make a white.

Score: 11

I lost my mood ring a couple days ago I really don't know how I feel about it.

Score: 37

I am going out for couple of hours. Do you want anything? Wife : I am going out for couple of hours.. do you want anything?

Husband : That's all I want..

Score: 12

At dinner tonight, the butter made a couple of good jokes It was on a roll

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I had a threesome once... There were a couple of no-shows, but I still had a good time.

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Happy Couple “My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.”
Rodney Dangerfield

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What does every Tickle Me Elmo get before leaving the Tyco factory? A couple of test-tickles.

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what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

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The couple agreed that the first one to wake up had to wake up the other with oral. The guy woke up first and the girl was soon gasping for air.

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What device is best to measure a mother's temperature? A ther-mom-meter

From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.

Score: 9

I had a threesome scheduled for last night. There were a couple of noshows but I still had fun.

Score: 9

I organised a threesome. There were a couple no-shows, but I still had fun.

Score: 49

A wife complains..... A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!

Score: 23

Not every couple goes to the gym Because some relationships don't work out

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A couple of Aliens land in the middle of Jerusalem and see all the worshippers... One looks to the other and says "See, they still believe your bullshit, pay up!"

Score: 14

You know you are getting old when... A couple of priests walk past you and don't even notice you.

Score: 8

I saw a drunk couple weaving all over the place I shouted, "get a *loom*!"

Score: 6

An optometrist asks a woman out on a date I have a couple of ideas:

1: Dinner
2: Movies

1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

Score: 10

When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was... She said: 'Oh, two or three'.

Now, she wonders why her marriage didn't work.

Score: 26

An unmarried couple start a jazz band. What would they call it? Premarital sax

Score: 8

I'm actually reasonably happy with Trump's presidency right now..... after all, he's had the nuclear codes for a couple of days now and hasn't tweeted them yet.

Score: 19

A Vietnamese couple were going to have a baby. The father was really hoping for a boy, while the mother wanted a girl.

As luck would have it, they ended up having twins -- one boy and one girl.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

Score: 9

Unemployed joke #2843 I know a couple jokes about unemployed people. Too bad none of them work.

Score: 19

What to watch on TV tonight A few days ago, I was watching George Michael videos. A couple of days ago, it was a Star Wars marathon. Tonight? The Apprentice.

Score: 9

I asked my aunt how much a couple is, she said two or three Maybe that's why her relationships don't work out so well

Score: 14

A couple was traveling across Europe but had to stop abruptly at Finland's borders. Why? Because it was the Finnish line.

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A young muslim couple go out hunting and shoot a monkey The woman asks, "Shall we eat him?"

The man replies, "No, that's haram, bae!"

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Did you hear about the couple's resort that burned down? Not a single person died.

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I had my first ever threesome last night... There was a couple of no-shows but I still had a great time.

Score: 84

asked my little bro for a couple of chips... he brought me three, said 2 were a couple and the third was my side chip

Score: 7

A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

Score: 29

This Vietnamese couple I knew got married... Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyễn-Nguyễn situation.

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What do you call a couple of Irish guys hiking in the woods? Trail micks.

Score: 7

A couple of guys threw rocks at me for smoking weed in public. I was stoned.

Score: 6

My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago. The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.

Score: 24

A blond couple is in the hospital and the wife is in labor... After a few laborious hours out pops a beautiful baby boy.
then, another!
Two beautiful twins!
however, the father is furious....
"Ok! who's the other guy you're seeing?!"

Score: 12

Did you hear about the eskimo couple? One cold night, she broke it off!

Score: 33