Hilarious Dave Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Dave Jokes

My friend Dave drowned. At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

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Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich.
Genie: Granted, what's your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

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Librarian: Can I help you? Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

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Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.

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Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears... 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...

Score: 1998

They say there is a person capable of murder in every friendship group,... ... i suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm

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Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation" Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"
Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

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My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin It's what he would have wanted...

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A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

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BOSS: What's going on here? BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

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"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?" Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

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They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

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"Knock knock" "Who's there?"
"Dave"
"Dave who?"
Dave had to hold back tears as he realised his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse

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10 years ago I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

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They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer.... So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

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My mate Dave drowned... For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver.

It's what he would've wanted.

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My friend David lost his ID... Now we just call him Dave.

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Knock, Knock Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to burst into tears as his grandmothers Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer recognize him.

Score: 179

10 years ago today I married my best friend, My wife's still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was really funny.

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3 years ago I married my best friend.. My girlfriend was angry, but me and Dave thought it would be hilarious

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My friend Dave drowned yesterday his funeral is on Wednesday. I've made him a wreath in the shape of a buoyancy aid. It's what he would have wanted.

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I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss... .. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

Score: 118

Apparently people are getting paid now to mention products in their social media posts That’s as crazy as the discounts at Dave’s furniture Emporium.

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Dave drowned So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.

(Gary Delaney)

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10 years ago i married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

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Knock Knock Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave walked away crying because his grandpa had Alzheimer's.

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I'm always frank with my girlfriend But Dave to the wife and kids

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Genie: What's your first wish? Dave: I want to be rich.
Genie: Done, and your second wish?
Rich: I want lots of money.

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Little Johnny: Mommy, what's a transsexual? Mom: I think you should ask Aunt Dave that question.

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I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins... All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

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My buddy David lost his id so now I just call him Dave.

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They say one friend in every group has the potential to be a serial killer ...so I threw Dave off a cliff in case it was him.

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I was sad I missed a Dave Chappelle special on T.V... But then my girlfriend reminded me, I can just watch Amy Schumer to hear all his best jokes.

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Two men, about to be hung from the gallows Dave turns to John, and asks:
Dave: Why did the chicken cross the road?
John: I don't know.
Dave: Me neither, but I'll see you on the other side.

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There’s a couple ways to stop an orgy All you have to do is wait until it gets quiet and say “ew”

Credit:Dave Chappelle

Score: 6

Mom: Gary, am I a bad parent? Son: My name is Dave...

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Two muffins are put in an oven. The first muffin says, "Man, are you hot or is it just me?" The second muffin replies, "This isn't the time for flirting, Dave."

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*Karen* : Wanna hear a joke *Dave* : Yeah sure, why not ?!
*Karen* : The kid.
*Dave* : I don't get it.
*Karen* : Exactly.

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New Dave Jokes

There’s a married couple, Nancy and Dave, at a dinner party talking to a friend about their pregnancy Friend: You look great, you’re glowing!
Nancy: Thank you! I really put the Nancy in pregnancy
Dave: And I really put the pregnancy in Nancy!

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We had a kid in my high school called Diarrhea Dave, and everyone assumed he had a nasty accident. Actually, he was just the only kid in our class who could spell it.

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Why do junkies love Dave Chappelle? Somebody told them he was dope.

Just one in a series. Collect them all!

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Dave Bacon once said, "Change cannot be given to you everytime. You must bring the change"

BTW, Dave is the check out guy at the grocery store.

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Dave: I got a very nasty reaction to the pubic lice lotion you prescribed me Dave: I got a very nasty reaction to the pubic lice lotion you prescribed me

Dr: Where exactly did you apply it?

Dave: On the train...

Dr: ...

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One day Dave goes up to Frank at work "Hey buddy," says Dave, "do you know anybody at work who has Alzheimer's?"

"Why do you want to know?" asks Frank

"Because I need to borrow some money," says Dave.

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What did one mushroom say to the other? "Dave, for the millionth time! You are not a freaking mushroom! No more drugs for you!"

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"Dave, have you ever seen a lie detector?" "Seen it? I'm married to one!"

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I walked into the pub And the barman said, “Your wife looked quite ravishing last night. Now what can I get you, Dave?”

“Whatever you’ve been drinking, mate.”

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Met my mate Dave in town the other day... ..he looked really grumpy. I said "Alright mate, whats the matter with you?"

"You" he replied, "you're always talking behind my back and pushing me around"

So i said "But Dave, you're in a wheelchair"

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There once was a man.. There once was man that went to a restaurant and ordered a sandwich and said his name was "D-d-d-d-dave" and the clerk said "oh do you stutter?" and the man said "no but my dad did and the person to record the birth certificate was a jerk"

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Did you hear about my friend, Dave, the parapalegic? Probably not. Anyway...

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not Dave."

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Jane told her mum, "Mommy, I kissed Dave the other day." Taken aback, her mom asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

"2 girls helped me catch him," she replies.

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TIL Humans are only capable of a maximum of 150 friends at one time. Except for Dave: obviously.

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If Dave has 4 oranges in one hand and 7 in the other, what does Dave have? Big F***in' Hands

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At Restaurant WAITER: Are you done?

ME: No, I'm Dave

WAITER: Are you joking?

ME: \*grabs his shirt\* NO, I TOLD YOU I'M DAVE

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Everybody knows Dave so everybody experiences this... Dave-ja vu

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They say there's a druggie in every friend group I suspect Dave, but it might just be the LSD talking.

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I was working in a library I was working in a library and this guy comes up to me and says

"Do u have a bookmark?"

I said "Yes, we have thousands,but my name's Dave"

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Dave worked at a circus school... Normally, he teaches kids how to juggle or do cartwheels but it wasn't all that interesting.
One day, he decides to teach the kids something a bit more exciting so he brought in a cannon.

Long story short - he was fired.

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Hang in there Dave At the rate that all the celebrities are dying let's hope Dave doesn't die before the years up, it'd be devastating

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Dave drowned. So at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a life belt... Well, it's what he would have wanted.

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With Trump and Hillary being the candidates, I think we know who will win... Dave.

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What did Dave Grohl say when he accidentally dropped his sandwich? "There goes my hero"

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