Hilarious Diet Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Diet Jokes

Why was the blonde snorting Sweet and Low? She thought it was diet coke.

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My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

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My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

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Erect your ears for this one A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

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Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious

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I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

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My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.” Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

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A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

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Why did the blonde snort splenda? She thought it was diet coke.

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My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

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Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet... ...in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

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The David Cameron diet: You'll never lose your pounds quicker.

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The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and gave her some diet pills.

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My girlfriend asked me to 'eat the booty like groceries' But I'm on a glute-free diet

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Why did the Blonde snort Sweet & Low? She thought it was Diet Coke!

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If I had a dollar for every time my wife said she was going on a diet I’d be able to buy her a treadmill she’d never use.

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Why are diet pills so effective in the UK? If you buy enough, you are guaranteed to lose 30 pounds fast.

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I'm going to go on a Brexit diet The pounds will drop fast.

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What does a group of Italians say when they start a diet? Ciao belli

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I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the "period" diet One egg a month

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Why did the cannibal only eat coma patients? The doctor said he needed more vegetables in his diet.

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DIET DAY 1: I have removed all the bad food from my home. It was delicious.

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Not to brag, but I finished this 14 day diet... in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

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Why'd the blonde snort a line of Splenda? She thought it was diet coke

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I started a diet two weeks ago So far I've lost 14 days

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Trump has been looking smaller and smaller lately. He's on the low-fact diet.

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I started a new diet.. Where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, but I just became a better reader.

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My doctor said I should exercise on top of a healthy diet. But surely a treadmill would make more sense?

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Did you hear about this year's newest fad diet coming out of New York and New Jersey? The swim-fast diet.

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I was considering going on an all almond diet. But that's just nuts.

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Dear Diet Coke, I feel like you're overreacting.

Sincerely,
Mentos

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What does a vampire drink while on a diet? Blood Light®.

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I've been on this new Vodka diet. It's great, I've lost 3 days already!

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Don't trust any diet advice that tells you to eat light... For that's most certainly the way to become a black hole.

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So, I've recently started a whiskey diet... I've lost three days already.

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As per the doctor's recommendation, I have decided to rid my diet of trans fat. Goodbye Tumblr!

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My wife told me to go to the doctor to get some of those pills that help get an erection Mfw I brought her a box of diet pills.

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If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet Just have one nut

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My diet plan has finally paid off! I have the body of a super hero now... I have the body of Thor.

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New Diet Jokes

I don’t mean to brag but I finished my 14 day diet ...in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

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Why did the black hole go on a diet? it weighed 32 quadrillion trillion billion pounds

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Cardi B hired a fitness trainer to plan her diet. He was a master of CardiOgraphy

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Why do vegans believe that their diet is the best for the environment? They won't geht on my level. Cannibalism.

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Do THOTs on the keto diet call them sugar-free daddies?

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I recently started a whiskey diet, I lost two days already.

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Tom Brady told me he's on a diet. Well, he didn't actually say diet. He said Sundays are his cheat day, but I can read between the lines.

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I was on a vegetarian diet then I switched to vegan. The lack of protein in their diets make them a lot easier to catch

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Aparently 30% of males go on a diet before going on holiday. I cheated And just took a fat girlfriend to the beach

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A Belgian guy enters in a bar... He asks for a diet coke and the barman says : I don't have them anymore, can I give you ONE ZERO ?!

\#WorldcupJokes

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I should put my dog on a diet... He is getting a little husky

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Did you hear about the husband on the tropical fruit diet? It’s enough to make a mango crazy!

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What is the difference between a vegan on a diet and a flower child? One's a very thin person, and the other is a little hippy.

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Did you guys hear about the fat geologist? It wasn't a poor diet. It was the sedimentary lifestyle

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My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again. I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

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The fat life... .. you either live it, or you diet.

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So I'm on this new butane diet I know I just started but I'm already feeling a little lighter.

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When changing your diet to salad, It's best not to dive head-first.

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I'm on a seaweed diet I see weed i smoke it

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I'm on a whisky diet, I've lost three days already."

— Tommy Cooper

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What do you call it when you're on a diet but won't step onto a scale? Schrodinger's cut

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Why did the blonde snort nutrasweet? She wanted diet coke.

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I'm on the beer and whiskey diet Last week I lost three days.

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Why do Midwesterners have such great smiles? Because their diet is very corny and cheesy.

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What do you call a rich guy on a diet? Big Splenda

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If I had a penny for every time I said "diet starts tomorrow" I could afford liposuction.

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Lions are strictly on a vegan diet. They consume about 10 to 15 pounds of vegans a day.

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Did you hear about the German man that challenged himself to eat only sausages for a year? He said it was the wurst diet ever.

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A diabetic friend I was talking to my diabetic friend the other day. He said, "this new high sugar diet I'm on is great! I lost 30 pounds already. Cost me an arm and a leg though..."

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Why should you avoid tumblr when your on a diet Because, it's full of trans fats

edit add a coma

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A man lived for ten years eating only tiny pieces of metal It was his staple diet

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My friend has decided to stop sniffing glue He's now on a glue-tin free diet.

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A guy asks his friend how he lost so much weight. His friend says, "I took up drinking and driving. It works like a charm!"
The guy says "Oh man, you need to stop, you're going to get yourself killed!"
His friend replies back, "Yeah, it was a bit of a crash diet."

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I was told I need a more balanced diet. . . . Now I drink with a beer in each hand!

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Why do hungry hippos eat marbles? Because they are a well-rounded diet.

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I'm on a beer diet I've already lost 4 days this week!

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My friend has started a new diet consisting of nothing but root vegetables. Personally, I've found it hard to beet.

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Girl suggested I should eat her... But I'm on a diet.

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I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days alread

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Starting a new weight diet I can't wait to eat.

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Why did the blonde snort all the NutraSweet? She thought it was diet Coke.

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What do epileptic people on a diet eat? Seizure salad.

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Did you hear about the moose who wanted to lose weight? He went on a diet and now he's a Muslim

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He said: How's the diet going? He said: How's the diet going?
She said: not so good, I had eggs for breakfast.
He said: scrambled?
She said : Cadbury's

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I considered going on an all almond diet. But that's just nuts.

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My wife sent me to the doctors for some of those pills that help men get an erection. When I came back with diet pills for her ........

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Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors... So I ate skittles

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My doctor told me to to incorporate more hole foods into my diet so I ate a box of donuts.

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I started this absolutely amazing 30 day diet! I already lost 15 days!

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So I've been cutting fiber out of my diet recently... It's kind of been a sticky shituation.

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What diet did the ghost developer go on? Boolean.

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This Girl Scout Cookie diet is really paying off... ...now I've got that "Samoan" figure

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Diet Day 1: Just removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

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I am on a seafood diet Every time I see food, I eat it.

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I was going to go on an all almond diet But then my friend said 'that's just nuts.'

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My wife is on a tropical food diet and the house if full of the stuff... It's enough to make a mango crazy.

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What does Sonic say when's he on a diet Gotta go fast!!

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My philosophy about relationships is the same as my diet... If I work really hard at it, once a month I should get to have a cheat day.

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Despite it being close to Christmas, I'm still on my Summer diet... ...I'll have summer that, summer that, and summer that.

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I went on a diet for 10 days. You know what I lost? 10 Days

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