Hilarious Dinner Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Dinner Jokes

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.

Score: 26171

If you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would you choose? "Gandhi."

Why him?

"More food for me."

Score: 10151

I thought of having a threesome But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

Score: 6774

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

Score: 3101

I sexually identify as a microwave dinner I’m done in five minutes and look nothing like the picture

Score: 2573

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly... She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

Score: 2249

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Score: 2231

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?” I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

Score: 1206

What are the options? Air Hostess to passenger:
"Sir would you like to have dinner?"

Passenger: "What are the options?"

Air Hostess: "Yes and No."

Score: 1204

What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.

Score: 813

Score: 660

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"

Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

Score: 647

I wanted to have a threesome.. ..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.

Score: 540

What is a government mandate? When Obama and Biden go out to dinner together.

Score: 535

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke alarm.

Score: 450

A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

Score: 410

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner? Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

Score: 392

What is the difference between the regular police and the secret service? The secret service is the only police that gets in trouble if a black person dies.

Shamelessly stolen from the correspondents' dinner.

Score: 367

If Queen Elizabeth farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend that nothing happened. Noble Gases shouldn’t have a reaction.

Score: 324

I never want to have a threesome, If I wanted to dissappoint two people at once I'd have dinner with my parents.

Score: 291

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

Score: 285

If Queen Elizabeth accidentaly farted during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened. Noble gases should have no reaction.

Score: 267

I like how the girl that called me a “loser” in high school is now blowing up my phone She sends me things like “what are your plans for dinner” and “Your dad and I are going out for dinner there’s food in the fridge”

Score: 266

I don’t think I would ever try a threesome If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I’d go out to dinner with my parents to catch up.

Score: 254

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year. We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

Score: 232

My wife asked if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Score: 214

So I got asked if I wanted a threesome... I said no thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I'd go out to dinner with my parents.

Score: 193

Wife: "Would you like dinner?" Husband: "What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or No"

Score: 174

I had a 7 course Irish dinner last night A 6 pack of Guinness and a potato

Score: 172

"Beatles or Stones?" I asked my son. "Why can't I just have something normal for dinner?" he pleaded

Score: 171

My girlfriends dad told me that he'll do to me whatever I do to her. So I said "I paid for dinner and drove her home".

Score: 146

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

Score: 130

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting" then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

Score: 121

This time 5 years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl I've met out for dinner, today I asked her to marry me, she said no both times.

Score: 117

I think there are nine vampires coming to my dinner party. Oh, wait... I forgot to Count Dracula.

Score: 104

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table... I needed a running start, but I did it!

Score: 100

Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party... You'll get the cold shoulder

Score: 89

2 girls were talking on the playground... One looks to the other and asks, "Do you guys pray before you eat dinner?"

The other replies, "No, my mom knows how to cook."

Score: 68

This Election Day will be like a dinner date with Bill Cosby. When you wake up, you just know something bad happened.

Score: 52

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time. "Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" joked the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

Score: 47

New Dinner Jokes

A guy invites a hooker in for dinner... He gave her his peas, then she gave him herpes.

Score: 11

Why did the IRS officer arrest the prostitute at the dinner party? Because she was working under the table

Score: 11

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year she bought them. It’s an extremely rare dish order.

Score: 26

A man takes his girl out to dinner He gives her his peas and she gives him herpes.

Score: 6

Little Timmy asks his friend " Does your family pray before dinner?" His friend replies "No, my mom knows how to cook"

Score: 40

What did the epileptic vegetarian always have for dinner? Seizure salad...

Score: 42

Have you heard the one about the guy that got locked out of his house after having Italian for dinner? He had gnocchi...

Credit: twitter user @Mostly_Cheese

Score: 6

Facebook was down. Then someone knocked on my door... -it was a couple of my friends with dinner plates in their hands. They wanted me to see what they were having today.

Score: 6

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

Score: 17

What does a Mexican bachelor make for dinner? Dinner for Juan.

Score: 8

"You like that meat, you MURDERER?" said my vegan girlfriend I just wish we could have one dinner without her reminding me of the time I shot her mom in the head

Score: 8

A dinner guest made a joke about my cats prosthetic foot. Major faux paw.

Score: 5

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night "I've cooked dinner," she screamed, "And if you're not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog." "Woooah! That's bang out of order!" I said, "It's not his fault."

Score: 9

Son: Dad, why is dinner so cold and bitter? Dad: Because your mother put her heart into it.

Score: 10

I just had dinner at a Chinese-German fusion restaurant a couple of hours ago The food was great but now I'm hungry for power.

Score: 24

Threesome? No thanks, if i want to disappoint 2 people at the same time i'll just have dinner with my parents.

Score: 13

Dinner Date Fail... Had a date with a beautiful woman last night, but she abruptly stormed off when I informed our server that he had given me her peas.

Score: 9

So these 2 cannibals are eating dinner. One cannibal says, man I hate my mother-in-law. The other cannibal says, so eat the rice.

Score: 12

What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner? The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.

Score: 12

We were out having dinner when my girlfriend said “We’ve been living together for three years now and you still haven’t popped the question” “Good point, when are you moving out?” I asked.

Score: 32

I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living... My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."

Score: 46

What did the nuclear physicist have for dinner? Fission Chips

Score: 10

My wife told me to take out the trash... So I took her out to dinner.

Score: 11

My girlfriend came up to me. She said, "Dinner tonight...On me."

"Thanks," I said, "But I'd rather just use a plate."

Score: 13

A lady and I once spent our 9th date seeing the dark knight rises So to summarise our dating life it was like this, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Dinner, Batman

Score: 5

A guy is on a trip on a small airline. The stewardess says, “Would you like dinner?”

He says, “What are my choices?”

She says, “Yes or no.”

Score: 13

I was at dinner with my girlfriends family She said "Pass the salt, daddy".

It got really awkward when her father and I both reached for it...

Score: 16

When Kathy Griffin was 10 years old, she stood up at the dinner table and announced to her family that she was going to grow up and become a stand-up comedian. They all laughed in her face. No one is laughing now.

Score: 8

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

Score: 30

What do you give a cannibal that is late to dinner? The cold shoulder

Score: 13

I ate three cans of alphabet soup for dinner... I had a really good vowel movement the next day.

Score: 21

I went on my very first date today... ...we were enjoying a lovely dinner while talking about our lives, until she excused herself to use the washroom. It's remarkable how women can stay in there for two hours!

Score: 5

So a husband and wife go out to dinner And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.

Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago

Husband: And he's still celebrating

Score: 5

I never understood what was so good about having a threesome... If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I could just go have dinner with my parents.

Score: 11

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries... And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

Score: 34

Where did the T-Rex buy his dinner? At the Dino-Store!

Score: 6

(Joke 8yo made at dinner) What do give to sick lemons? First Lemon-aid.

Score: 14

What's the best type of dinner date One that ends with breakfast

Score: 7

What happens to the cannibal when he's late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder

Score: 30

At dinner tonight, the butter made a couple of good jokes It was on a roll

Score: 18

Took one of those annoying cold calls at dinner. "Have you had an accident in the last 5 years..." Yes.

And we called her Amy.

Score: 6

Store owner: Good morning Janet! What can i get for you? Janet: Something for dinner, please
Store owner: I have some lovely fresh ox tongue!
Janet: Oh, no! Yuck! I couldn't eat something that comes out of an animal's mouth! I'll just have a dozen egg

Score: 5

Can you imagine the Trump family dinner conversations? I'd love to be a Samsung on the wall.

Score: 5

LPT: If you want to treat a girl like a princess, take her out for dinner or play with her hair (simple things can make anyone's day). Alternatively you could pick her up in a Mercedes and crash into a wall.

Score: 9

My ex-gf claims I dumped her for being a feminist... Which is completely wrong! I dumped her for not doing my laundry, cleaning my dishes, or cooking my dinner.

Score: 15

Jeff Dahmer was a pretty normal guy He was having a friend for dinner when he was arrested.

Score: 9

An optometrist asks a woman out on a date I have a couple of ideas:

1: Dinner
2: Movies

1 or 2? 1.. 2..? 1..... or 2?

Score: 10

A woman gets a new number She sends a text message to her husband.

W - "Hi honey, this is my new number. Can't wait to see you tonight"

M - "Hey babe. I can't tonight. I'm having dinner with my wife"

Score: 7

Dinner A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Score: 9

What's the best thing about dating a feminist? When you go out for dinner you only have to pay for your half!

Score: 8

Capitalism has many problems but communism only has 3 - Breakfast
- Lunch
- Dinner

Score: 16

What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Score: 46

A husband and a wife were having dinner… … the wife dropped some tomato sauce on her top and said 'ugh, I look like a pig'.

The husband responds 'AND you have tomato sauce on your top!'

Score: 6

This is rigged! Wife to Husband :

Will you take me out for dinner in the evening? Your options are:

A) Yes

B) A

C) B

Score: 5

I went to a dinner party for anorexics. There was an all-you-can't-eat buffet.

Score: 7

Hillary went for dinner with Barack Obama the other day I heard he was very polite, but hillary brought her own private server.

Score: 5

What's a fat kids favourite instrument? The dinner bell

Score: 40

A cannibal came late to the family dinner. He was given the cold shoulder.

Score: 7

During dinner, Juan asked his mother.... Mamma, why is dad bald?

Well Juan, your father has a lot to think about and is very intelligent, that's why.

But mamma, why do you have such a long hair?

Shut UP Juan and eat your soup!

Score: 5

A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family... His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

Score: 16