Hilarious Divorce Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Divorce Jokes

Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons. If they acquire my parent's divorce they will own my entire childhood.

Score: 30627

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection. I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Score: 14313

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

Score: 9598

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 6086

A wife is yelling at her husband "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 3085

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

Score: 940

Score: 786

Husband: "I want a divorce... My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"

Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."

Score: 711

I asked my wife what she will do when I won the lottery. She said ''Divorce you and take half'' I said ''I won $10, here's 5 and there is the door."

Score: 605

If two white supremacists get a divorce... Do they still consider each other "cousins"?

Score: 602

What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up? May divorce be with you.

Score: 521

I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out… Now all I need to do is talk her into it…

Score: 493

Why did the woman divorce the grape? She was tired of raisin' kids.

Score: 383

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house... "I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 380

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, " and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week. ". "That's very fair, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself. "

Score: 316

In the middle of a really messy divorce, I decided suicide was the only option. I just need to talk her into it now.

Score: 304

In the divorce court today In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.

He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.

Score: 284

What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a redneck divorce have in common? Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.

Score: 244

I lost 189 lbs in one week. By getting a divorce.

Score: 224

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0. That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

Score: 184

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?

Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.

Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 180

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness" You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

Score: 172

A 94 year old man decided to divorce his 93 old wife... They went to the lawyer together. When he asked why they were divorcing at such an old age, the woman replied, "We wanted to wait until the kids were dead".

Score: 167

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness? Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

Score: 153

Marriage Counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 141

Mickey Mouse gets a call from his lawyer. The lawyer tells him "Mickey I'm sorry, but you can't divorce Minnie just because she's crazy"

Mickey says "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy"

Score: 137

What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common? Someone is losing a trailer.

Score: 130

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Score: 127

My wife has told me she wants a divorce because there's another man. I hate to lose her… …but I just love him more…

Score: 125

DIVORCE Q: How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, because they never get the house.

Score: 123

My wife asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

Score: 103

My wife asked if I would divorce her if I won the lottery. I said no, of course. With that kind of money, I could afford a hit man.

Score: 96

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

Score: 80

I just married again after a divorce... It was a wife changing experience.

Score: 73

Who did Santa approach when he wanted to get a divorce? The Semi colon. They're good at separating independent clauses.

Score: 66

Why did Donald Trump divorce his first wife? Fake Nudes

Score: 63

What is the similarity between a tornado in Alabama, and a divorce in Alabama? No matter how you look at it, somebody is losing a trailer.

Score: 53

A man and woman go to marriage counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?

Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.

Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

Score: 51

You wanna hear a funny joke Bout my divorce? Me too.

Score: 36

My wife and I really should get a divorce, but we're staying together because of our kids Neither of us want custody of those little brats...

Score: 36

New Divorce Jokes

2 people I went to high school with recently got engaged... ...so statistically speaking one of those is gonna end in divorce

Score: 3

My wife is divorcing me because I’m addicted to Pixar movies She asked what I’d want if we can agree to make the divorce as quick as possible

I told her I’d try to keep Up

Score: 3

My wife, who is an economics professor told me she wants a divorce I'm not surprised, over the years I've felt she lost *interest* on me.

Score: 3

I am going through a nasty, unmutual divorce because she didn't love me anymore, and my new girlfriend is a paralegal who is helping me file. There is no punchline. I just can't help but laugh at this weird comedy sketch I've been thrust into.

Score: 2

I recently found a divorce attorney Their company name is Ditcher and Hyde if you want to check them out

Score: 5

What do you call Santa after a divorce? A Single Kringle ready to Jingle.

Score: 4

What does a divorce and a tornado in Arkansas have in common? Either way, someone’s going to lose a trailer

Score: 5

Why did the duck divorce his wife? He found out she was a quack addict.

Score: 6

Why did the vampire couple divorce after 45 years? She had reached menopause.

Score: 2

You should never divorce a furry. I don’t remember why, but I think it’s an old wife’s tail.

Score: 4

My wife asked me for a divorce on valentines I told her i wasnt willing to spend that much on her

Score: 10

If you think your wife is crazy now... Wait until you divorce her.

Score: 6

While married to Rose, we acquired house, cars, jewelry, retirement accounts. And with the divorce, everything is coming up *ROSE's*!!

I have no idea how my first submission of this came to be flaired "Religion"... so I deleted it.

Score: 3

A woman was told by her doctor that she could no longer touch anything alcoholic... So she got a divorce

Score: 3

What's the middle ground between a matriarchy and a patriarchy? A divorce.

Score: 2

My ex-wife told me I was close minded and I should try everything once... I suggested we try divorce

Score: 5

What does a tornado and a divorce in the south have in common? Somebody is losing a trailer

Score: 22

What was the deal the coffee-addict lawyer offered potential clients? Grounds for divorce

Score: 3

I got my student loans down from 100k to 50k overnight with this super easy life hack. Divorce

Score: 31

I had to divorce my wife, she was just SO childish She kept stealing my bath toys.

Score: 6

What do divorce lawyers practice to defend themselves? Marital Arts.

Score: 2

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

Score: 2

How are a tornado and an Arkansas divorce alike? Whichever one happens, somebody's going to lose a trailer.

Score: 7

A wedding toast They say half of all marriages end in divorce...well, the other half end in death. So I guess I hope you die.

Score: 3

The leading cause of divorce has been found! It's marriage.

Score: 3

how to lose 75 kilos of pure fat ? Divorce

Score: 3

What happens when you permit your wife to spend extra hours with her tennis coach? Hopefully a good reason to divorce her.

Score: 2

I lost everything in my marriage. In the divorce, I lost half of what was left.

Score: 5

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the south? Nothing, with both of them you're gonna lose a trailer.

Score: 2

My wife is an excellent housekeeper! Kept the house after divorce...

Score: 5

Friend's advice be like: Chill dude!
Get married!
What's divorce thing that could happen?

Score: 5

What do you get if you cross the head of scientology with divorce papers? Buried in the basement of scientology HQ for the past 10 years.

Score: 1

Why does a divorce cost so much? Because it's worth it.

Score: 4

Divorce My wife wanted to file for divorce. It was clear that she would get the house. So I gave her a cask of Amontillado. She's not going anywhere for a while.

Score: 2

My wife said she'd divorce me if I didn't get into shape. I said I was already in shape. Round is a shape.

Score: 1

How are tornados and a Tennessee divorce alike? In either one, someone's going to lose a trailer home.

Score: 3

An Alabama married couple moves to New York and gets a divorce Are they still brother and sister?

Score: 4

Ten years after my divorce, I can finally say I don't want my ex wife to die anymore. I don't want her to die any less either.

Score: 11

LeBron's wife has filed for divorce!! She said it's because he dribbles a little before he shoots.

Score: 1

My Father's advice about women was 'Treat 'em mean keep 'em keen' I guess that's why they had that divorce.

Score: 2

Therapist: do u blame yourself for your parents divorce Me: not really

Therapist [quietly while reading through notes]: you probably should

Score: 3

Alimony "Mr. johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Score: 2

Border crossing I was driving back to Canada with my family when we came to the border. After a short wait in line, we get to the guard booth, and he asks if I have anything to declare. With a sigh, I turn to my wife and say, "Honey, I want a divorce."

Score: 3

I always wondered why there is such a high rate of divorce among tennis players Then I realized love means nothing to them.

Score: 15

I think mixed-raced babies are really cute. But if my wife has one, I'm getting a divorce.

Score: 2

Difference between a divorce and a hurricane? At least with the hurricane, it's not personal.

Score: 3

what's the worst thing you could get your special someone on valentines day? a divorce

Score: 5

How do you get your wife to quit smoking? Divorce her.

Score: 1

Research shows that the number one cause of divorce in America is Marriage

Score: 3

Marriage and Divorce If men behave after marriage the way they do before it,
half the divorces won’t take place..

On the other hand,

If women behave before marriage the way they do after it,
half the marriages won’t take place

Score: 13

I spent 8 years in an institution. Then I got a divorce.

Score: 1

Why did Yellow divorce Green? Because Green blue Indigo.

Score: 2

Half of all marriages end in divorce... The other half end in death.

Score: 15

What do they call divorce in India? Re-arranged marriage

Score: 7

Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.

Score: 2

Why did the janitor file for a divorce? He found his wife sweeping with someone else.

Score: 4

How's a divorce like a hurricane... There's a bunch of sucking and blowing, but in the end she takes your house.

Score: 5

They released a new study on marriage It's the number one cause of divorce

Score: 3

Mickey Mouse goes to divorce court to divorce Minnie... The Judge says "so you want to Divorce your wife because she's crazy?"
Mickey replies "No, what I said was She's F&#@ing Goofy."

Score: 3

What does a tornado and a red-neck divorce have in common? Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.

Score: 10