Hilarious Driving Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Driving Jokes

With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Score: 12715

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Because of the-

Car driving by: HONK

Me: Because if the-

2nd car driving by: HONK

Me:

Cop:

Me: Because of the-

3rd car driving by:HOOONK

Me: Because of the “Honk if you think cops have micropenises’’ bumper sticker?

Score: 12226

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles. I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

Score: 1860

My driving instructor told me to pull over somewhere safe. Two minutes later he said, "Why haven't you pulled over yet?"

I said, "Because we're still in Manchester."

Score: 1751

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

Score: 1565

My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.

Score: 1563

Score: 1374

With the rise of self driving vehicles, we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

Score: 1221

I saw a lady texting and driving today I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her.

Score: 943

Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives. A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:

cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visiting...

Score: 914

Apparently I snore so loudly that I scare everyone in the car I'm driving.

Score: 880

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

Score: 794

It really probably isn’t safe for me to be driving my car right now, But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

Score: 721

This morning i used redbull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, i realized i left my car at home!!!

Score: 630

A driving teacher asks his student "There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?" Student: "My wife"

DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"

Score: 623

I saw a woman driving with her hazards on. And I thought to myself, "At least she's honest."

Score: 615

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal." "Until the pressure got to him."

Score: 501

With the rise of self driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time... Until there's a country song where the guy's truck leaves him.

Score: 499

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone. "Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Score: 456

Asians are sooo bad at driving.... I'm starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident.

Score: 399

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.

Score: 389

They finally figured out why the computerized self driving car has crashed... They didn't install the driver.

Score: 370

Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

Score: 364

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

Score: 354

My grandfather is really frustrated that he has to use the chair lift to go upstairs. It is driving him up the wall.

Score: 349

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway... when his wife called his cell phone.

"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said the man, "It's hundreds of them!"

Score: 317

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

Score: 288

I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me... A child to be exact.

Score: 253

A blonde was driving on the way to disneyland. She came to an intersection and stopped, she saw a sign that read, 'Disneyland Left'. So she pulled a U-turn, cried and drove home.

Score: 243

My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?" I said, "probably failing my driving test."

Score: 222

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving.. Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

Score: 208

Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway… I'll play golf wherever I want!

Score: 133

Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car that I'm driving.

Score: 128

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual? Because they were afraid of Stalin.

Score: 103

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"

The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

Score: 101

Loud snoring Apparently I snore so loud that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving

Score: 85

Politics is like driving No matter which lane you're in, anyone moving faster than you is a maniac and anyone going slower is a moron.

Score: 79

A policeman pulls over a man driving recklessly The policeman asks "How high are you?"

The man says "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'."

Score: 78

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants... And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"

The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

Score: 53

My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside. Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

Score: 53

New Driving Jokes

A magician is driving a car Then he turns into a driveway

Score: 9

Driving in real life is just like Mariokart, and pedestrians are mystery cubes The surprise is 25 to life though...

Score: 8

I just saw a man driving a tractor shouting "The end of the world is nigh" I think it was Farmer Geddon

Score: 9

I've had it with people texting and driving. if i see one more person on their phone while driving im going to roll my window down and throw my beer at them.

Score: 8

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving

Score: 19

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and an amateur golfer? Only one of them gets convicted for reckless driving

Score: 8

A man driving a truck hits a woman who's fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen

Score: 10

I knew it was going to be a bad day after I fell asleep on the school bus this morning. Especially since I was the one driving.

Score: 7

Two blondes were driving to disneyland. The sign said, "Disneyland Left". So they started crying and went home.

Score: 41

My son was driving me mad. "Dad!" he yelled. "I can't get the book down from the shelf!" I said, "Knock it off."

Score: 14

I never drink and drive I do my drinking before driving

Score: 30

A woman is driving for the first time on a highway. Her husband calls her while she is driving. "Be careful honey, it was just broadcasted that someone's driving the wrong way on the highway."

"Someone?" the wife replies. "These idiots are in hundreds!"

Score: 13

A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving? The Police.

Score: 12

Charlie Sheen and Mike Tyson are in a car. Who's driving? The cop.

Score: 7

My dad was driving me back home from my friend's house yesterday when he threw a piece of trash out of the car It took me a long time to walk home

Score: 11

Driving past a cemetery "Do you know how many people in there are dead?"

"No"

"All of 'em"

Score: 7

Stuck Behind Traffic A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,

Cop: You were going to fast.

Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.

Cop: There isn't any.

Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

Score: 13

A guy visits his psychiatrist "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Score: 13

A black man and his latino friend are in a car. Who's driving? The police.

Score: 18

A man called his wife while she was driving to warn her. He said 'Honey, be careful. I turned on the news and there's a car going the wrong way on the motorway.'

She says 'Oh, not just one car - it's all of them!

Score: 20

What did the muslim man say as he was driving recklessly and passing other cars at dawn? "Sorry, gotta go fast"

Score: 12

A magician was driving down a street... ...and suddenly, he turned into a driveway!

Score: 6

Who do you call when you hurt your feet while driving? A Toe Truck

Score: 7

If you were driving a stolen Tesla... ... would it be called an Edison?

Score: 15

Driving home earlier I saw a young couple weaving all over the street. I told them 'Go get a loom'

Score: 7

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because only vegans were driving.

Score: 6

A pirate walks into a bar..... with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

Score: 39

Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.

Score: 33

Elvis was driving down the highway when he got into an accident. The paramedics found him and realised he was in shock and so they told him, "Mr. Presley, we need you to step out of the vehicle, you're all shook up."

"Uhuh huh"

Score: 6

I like my women like I like my coffee Hot and all over my lap while driving.

Score: 7

We were driving through the Welsh countryside when my little girl said… "Look at that strange animal daddy, man at the back, sheep at the front."

Score: 8

I hit a frog driving down the highway Had to get my car toad

Score: 8

Two ways of driving someone crazy; One is stopping in mid-sentence and

Score: 32

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer. What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.

My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

Score: 10

A magician was driving down the street... then he turned into a driveway.

Score: 6

There was a mexican and a black person in a car. Who is driving? A cop.

Score: 9

A woman called her husband about what she had seen on the news. She says, "Watch out honey! There's a madman driving on the wrong side of the highway."
The husband replies, "One? There are hundreds of them!"

Score: 21

My wife just opened my car door for me It would have been a nice gesture, had we not been driving 70 MPH

Score: 7

Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror.. I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.

Score: 6

I was driving when something told me I was going the wrong way... I think it was a sign.

Score: 23

Do you know what I hate? Inspirational quotes Because no matter what you read, only you can be the driving force behind your success.

Score: 39

Two nuns are driving down the road when Dracula jumps out. "Quickly," says the first, "show him your cross". The other winds down the window and leans out and yells, "Get out of the road you jerk!"

Score: 24

One time I got so high, I was driving around looking for my car keys.

Score: 15

Cars 3 Prediction. Mcqueen's driving in the woods. There's no one around and his phone is dead. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots him: Shia LaBus.

Score: 19

A wife calls her husband driving to work and says, "Honey be careful. There's a maniac driving on the wrong side of the road on the highway."

He responds, "One maniac? There are hundreds of them."

Score: 39

The Pirates pants A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says to him "why have you got a steering wheel on your pants isn't that annoying".

The Pirate says "Aye its driving me nuts".

Score: 6

People say i shouldn't start driving because im blind. I can't see the problem.

Score: 6

A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?

Score: 26

A pirate walks into a bar.. With a wheel on his crotch. The bar tender says
"Aye, what's with the wheel?"

Pirate says "arrrrrghhhhhh, it be driving me nuts"

Score: 6

How is driving a Ford truck similar to visiting Thailand? Either way, you're likely to blow a tranny

Score: 19

Three blondes were driving to Disneyland... Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. When they were close to the destination they saw a sign: “Disneyland Left”. They stopped, started to cry and finally turned around and drove back home.

Score: 13

Volkswagon were pretty dumb to name one of their cars 'Golf' Why name a car after a slow and boring sport where the hardest part is driving

Score: 15

What do driving and dating have in common? Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.

Score: 6

We were driving past the graveyard and my dad asks: "Do you know why I can’t be buried there?"

"Why not?"

"Because I’m not dead yet, Son."

Score: 12

My wife thought I was crazy when I suggested a car made out of spaghetti You should've seen her face when I was driving pasta!

Score: 7

Regular naps prevent aging... Especially if you take them while driving.

Score: 6

A blonde is driving her car and... ...she runs over 20 people while driving.
The officer pulls her up and says "Miss', do you know you just ran over 20 people back there?"
She replies:
"I'm sorry officer, what's the limit?"

Score: 24

A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

Score: 45

I was driving down the motorway with my blonde girlfriend the other day and she said, "I think those people in the car next to us are from another country"
"why is that?" I said
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says, 'stit rey su wohs'"

Score: 26

I saw a magic tractor this morning It was driving down the road, then it turned into a field.

Score: 10