Hilarious Eating Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Eating Jokes

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

Score: 2751

It's easy to deter ladies from eating tide pods It's much more difficult to deter gents.

Score: 2417

Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too

Score: 2275

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One turns to the other and asks, "does this taste funny to you?"
The other responds, "no."

Score: 2153

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, "*does this taste funny to you?*"

The other responds, "*no.*"

Score: 1849

When do you start on red and stop on green? When you're eating a watermelon!

Edit: wow, this is my highest rated post. Finally broke the 1000 karma barrier thank you all

Score: 1842

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Score: 1707

Score: 1674

Letter from 7 to 6 Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

Score: 1318

Police arrested two kids yesterday... ...one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

Score: 1314

Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

Score: 1216

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?” I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

Score: 1206

Eating too much cake is the deadly sin of gluttony But not eating too much pie, because the sin of pi is always zero.

Score: 1173

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says: "I think we got this joke wrong".

Score: 1169

I love eating babies and smiling but I hate punctuation

Score: 1045

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park... Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"

He said "I'm very hungry"

"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"

You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard.

Score: 958

Eating clocks is... time consuming.

Sorry.

Score: 925

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..." "But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

Score: 825

I'm 95% vegan now... Basically, I'm vegan all the time. Except when I'm eating

Score: 743

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. The first clown says to the second "I think we're doing this joke wrong".

Score: 712

Two Cannibals Are Eating Amy Schumer One of them asks the other “Does this taste funny?” And the other says “No”

Score: 524

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him... Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

Score: 506

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

Score: 493

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer The first one says to the other one, "Does this taste funny to you?"
The other one says, "No."

Score: 478

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

Score: 447

A group of Jewish women are eating at a diner. Their waitress walks by and asks "Is anything alright?"

Score: 394

I have been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Score: 380

My wife crashed our car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating a pie at the time.

The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own living room.

Score: 346

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar.... Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

Score: 340

SMS I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

Score: 321

I tell everyone I can about the health benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Score: 288

Just found out watermelons are 92% water...... In completely unrelated news, I'm never eating another kumquat.

Score: 201

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining.. Took me hours to finish my meal.

Score: 182

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park... Asked him "Why are you eating grass?"

He said "I am very hungry."

"Oh. Okay then. Come with me."

You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.

**Edit**: Grammar, thanks to /u/linktothepast99

Score: 177

The police arrested 2 kids today One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks

They charged the first one and let the other off

Score: 163

"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

Score: 148

When did Japanese start eating egg? A long tamago

Score: 130

Yo mama's so fat... when she was diagnosed with a flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 80 years to live.

Score: 125

Two clowns are eating a cannibal One turns to the other and says, "Wait. I think we are doing this wrong."

Score: 120

"Should I be concerned about eating genetically modified tomatoes?" Tomato: "No"

Score: 116

New Eating Jokes

What does eating out an 86yr old woman taste like? Depends..

Score: 13

If I get more money, I'll start eating less ramen. And if I get less money, I'll also start eating less ramen.

Score: 6

I just sneezed while eating alphabet soup... ...took the words right out of my mouth.

Score: 104

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat? Because she was eating Adam's apple.

Score: 7

When do you stop at Green and go at Red? When eating a watermelon

Score: 28

I feel guilty about this parasite I ingested. It's been eating me up inside.

Score: 8

How do you tell a proper joke about eating? In jest.

Score: 9

My family told me to stop eating the leftover Thanksgiving food from the fridge. But sadly, I couldn't quit cold turkey.

Score: 17

Brain fade Friend 1: "I just threw the chocolate that I had planned on eating, in the trash can. Sometimes I think I am retarded"

Friend 2: "Oh! I do that as well"

Friend 1: "Put your chocolate in the trash can?"

Friend 2: "No. Think you are retarded"

Score: 7

So these 2 cannibals are eating dinner. One cannibal says, man I hate my mother-in-law. The other cannibal says, so eat the rice.

Score: 12

Private investigator (At a fancy diner with wife and her friend)
Wife's friend: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: I'm a private investigator
Wife: Kieth, you're allowed to say gynecologist
Me: People are eating, Linda!

Score: 6

Two mimes are eating a cannibal clown One turns to the other and says

Score: 7

Just finished the book Eating for Dummies Boy was it hard to digest

Score: 15

After eating at a German restaurant, I had horrendous diarrhea for a week. It was the wurst.

Score: 6

A married couple was eating at a restaurant when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. "He's been drinking since I left him seven years ago" she said to her current husband.

"That's silly, dear" he replied. "No one celebrates that much."

Score: 7

Eating food is a lot of work. It's the most calorie consuming thing I do all day.

Score: 38

They say you are what you eat I don't remember eating a big disappointment

Score: 35

Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer. One says to the other "does this taste funny to you"
The other cannibal says "No".

Score: 23

What's the hardest part about eating a clock? It's time consuming.

Score: 32

I got kicked out of the Boy Scouts... ...for eating a Brownie.

Score: 7

Police arrested two kids yesterday!!! Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Score: 26

Police arrested 2 kids today One was drinking battery acid, the other other was eating fireworks.

They charged one- and let the other one off

Score: 18

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vender and says "Make me one with everything."

He then hands the vender a $20 and starts eating his hot dog. After he's done he asks the vender

"Where's my change?"

The vender replies

"Change only comes from within."

Score: 37

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night? It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

Score: 8

What did the ICE agents say after they finished eating at a diner? "I think we'll take Juan for the road too."

Score: 7

Clowns Two clowns are eating a cannibal.

One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong".

Score: 7

A spider got sick from eating a fly he trapped... his mother told him not to trust everything he finds on the web

Score: 9

If you had to choose... Between eating bacon everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life, would you choose applewood or hickory smoked?

Score: 22

I saw a climate scientist eating pasta out of a pink leather bowl He was eating carb on dyed ox hide

Score: 15

Accidentally used my wife's electric toothbrush... I don't remember her eating fish for lunch.

Score: 15

What do you call an overweight average ogre eating beef flavored yogurt? A mediocre meaty ogre eating meaty yogurt.

Score: 75

What's the worst part of eating rabbit? Their little legs kicking you in the forehead.

Score: 12

Cannibals Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"

Score: 7

They told me that cameras add 10 lbs... ...so I stopped eating cameras.

Score: 6

I made an irrational decision today... I went to a pi eating contest. It never stops.

Score: 7

The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

Score: 57

A gorgeous blonde is stranded on an island... Two cannibals, father and son, find her.
The son says to the father: Wow dad! She is beautiful! Are we going to eat her?
To which the father replies: No son. Don't be silly, we're keeping her. We're eating your mother.

Score: 10

When do you go on red and stop on green? When you're eating a watermelon.

Score: 36

What does eating in Australia and playing chess have in common? They both usually end with "check mate"

Score: 25

Why don't people believe me when I tell them I have a date every night? What's wrong with eating healthy?

Score: 11

To those who feel like eating whenever they're down in the dumps.. Don't eat there.

Score: 10

What's it called when a vegetarian starts eating meat again? Losing your veginity.

Score: 39

Two Cyclopes are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and say, 'Does this taste funny to you'

The other says, 'No'

Score: 9

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks... They charged one, and let the other off.

Score: 19

Kids these days. The police arrested two kids yesterday.

One was drinking was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Score: 14

My first three wives... "The first two ate poisonous mushrooms.
The third one took a shot to the head."

"Oh my lord" my friend says, "that is awful, who shot her?"

"I did," I say,

"She wasn't eating the poisonous mushrooms"

Score: 17

I hate eating vegetables... The wheelchair is always getting in the way

Score: 7

TIFU by eating someone else's sandwich. Whoops. Wrong sub.

Score: 11

Why do french people love eating snails? Because they hate fast food

Score: 8

today you are one day closer to eating your next servings of nacho. unless you die tomorrow and never get to eat any nacho then tomorrow is nacho lucky day

Score: 7

Millions of children are being inspired by seeing their first presidential election. If a misogynistic con artist and a lying criminal can run for president, then so can that kid eating dirt on the playground.

Score: 21

Ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.

Score: 8

“Chewing” and “eating” are very similar things. But “getting chewed out” and “getting eaten out” are very different.

Score: 16

So a policeman see's two kids in a street corner One's drinking battery acid while the other is eating fireworks

So the policeman charged one and let one off

Score: 13

What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes? Impatient.

Score: 44

*Police arrested two kids* ** Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.**

Score: 84

What do you call a man-eating tiger? A tiger.

Score: 8

A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family... His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

Score: 16

I'm suprised that there aren't more fat lesbians... All they ever talk about is eating out.

Score: 19

A blonde girl is eating an ice-cream Her friend tells her : "You have ice-cream on your cheek".
The blonde girl starts to rub her left cheek. "No the other way".
She puts a finger in her mouth and rubs. "Hij it gonhe ?"

(sorry, it's more a visual joke)

Score: 9