Hilarious England Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest England Jokes

What's the difference between England and Viagra? Viagra can get you past a semi

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TIL England doesn't have a kidney bank But it does have a Liverpool

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When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May... ...and it is a Country.

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Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

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I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

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Why does England feel like it's two months ahead of us? It's only March 28th here, but in England it feels like it's the end of May.

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I'm going to open a dollar store in England It'll be called Pound Town.

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I lost fifty pounds... Unfortunately, I was in England at the time.

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A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.



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Fidel Castro is dead Looks like Keith Richards and the Queen of England are moving on to the finals.

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Hey England, you know what oday is? “Where’s the T?”

“We threw it in the harbor, 244 years ago”

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Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England I don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time

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Big vote today in England. If Leave wins I predict : Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium

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England is like a father to me. Both don't come home.

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Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could drive!

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If you find 400 pounds on the street in England, you're a lucky man... If you find 400 pounds on the street in America, you've met Phillip.

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Did you hear the score of the England vs Ethiopia soccer game? England 8. Ethiopia didn't

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The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

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What do you call a beautiful women in England? A tourist

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Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch? Not enough people really talk about England very much

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After the election, I'm moving to Greenwich, England I don't know what I'll do in the mean time.

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England soccer team have got a new captain today His names George Smith and he'll be flying the A380 back to Heathrow..

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How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.

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A city in northern England has mysteriously disappeared The police are still searching for Leeds

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I hope England beats Iceland... Or they will be out of Europe twice this week!

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Why did the Siamese twins move to England? So the other one could learn to drive.

Courtesy of the movie "Man on the Moon".

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Why did the Siamese twins move to England? The other one wanted to drive.

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What's the difference between England and a tea bag? ...A tea bag stays in the cup longer!

#FIFAWORLDCUPBRAZIL

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If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison… Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…

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The England team visited an orphanage in Brazil today. "It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, age 6.

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What do they call beautiful women in England? Tourists

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Why are there regions in England named Wessex, Sussex, Essex and Northumbria? ... because nobody wants to live in a place called Nosex.

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Blonde and the Airlines A blonde rings up an airline and asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."

The blonde says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.

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As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?

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The queen of England farted and quickly looked for someone else to blame. "Bidwell!" she shouted to a servant, "stop that this instant!"
"Of course, your majesty," he replied. "Which way did it go?"

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A huge earthquake shook Mexico Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

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Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!! Britain: "What happened to the T?"

America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"

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Why America changed the spelling of words America:Color

England:Colour

America:Neighbor

England:Neighbour

America:Humor

England:Humour

America:Flavor

England:Flavour

England: What are you doing?

Murica': Getting rid of u.

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I'm directing a film... ... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.

I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

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New England Jokes

How does the Queen of England stay so thin? She keeps her pounds in the Bank

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why is england so wet? because the monarchy have been reigning there for years

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Why did a femist move from England to France? She wanted another woman right.

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What is the difference between the United States and England? They both like football.

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You see two black men in a car in England, you're seeing them through the car's back window one is in the right side and the other is in the left side of vehicule, from your point of view, who's driving the car? The policeman.

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Morrissey did a tour in the south west of England Devon knows he miserable now

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Do you know how much space will be free when England leaves the European Union? 1 GB

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England's greatest spy goes undercover as a standup comedian but gets heavily drunk before the show. As he fumbles up to the stage the audience starts booing, and he starts: "I'm Bombed. James Bombed."

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The temperature is so hot now in the UK that England invaded itself, enslaved its own people, and is now growing sugar cane, spices, and tea.

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Chamomile? Here in England it's called chamo-onepointsixkilometres. Delicious

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When Germany beat England in the World Cup Finals, one Brit was heard commenting: "So they beat us at our national sport. We've beaten them twice at theirs!"

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How do you make a billion dollars in England? Become an orthodontist

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Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots got busted for soliciting prostitution at a massage parlor in Florida. I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, i heard it had a happy ending.

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It's happening in Las Vegas and it's happening after the queen of England has taken a dump. It's a Royal straight flush.

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What’s the difference between Thai boys and England? Thai boys are going home

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What’s the difference between England and a Clock? A clock doesn’t stop after the hour mark.

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Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July And we even get it first!

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My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish. You might say a New England clam chowed her.

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I went to England and lost 50 pounds I really hope I get my money back

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What do you call an attractive woman in England? An immigrant.

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People in England must be really strong I knew a British guy that said his necklace was 100 pounds, but he talked about it like it was nothing.

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No English Kidney Bank England has no kidney bank...

But it does have a Liverpool.

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If there's one thing I love about Scotland.... It's the M6 motorway back to England.

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Did you know there's a street in England named Harry Styles Boulevard? It only goes in one direction, though.

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What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots? Cheat-o's

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What's the difference between Princess Diana and Elton John? Only one of them got to be Queen of England...

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Do not let the fact that today is July 4th distract you From the fact that England blew a 13 colony lead

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What's U2's most popular song in England? With or Without EU.

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New England Patriots list Aaron Hernandez out for week 1. Suspended.

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It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house. # Blackfliesmatter

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I drive a mail truck with the steering wheel on the right hand side. Sometimes I pretend I'm in England by Eating really crappy food

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What you call a healthy, large aquatic mammal living in a structure that gives access to ground water that is located west of England? A well Welsh well whale

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What's the difference between England and America? In England, you drive manual. In America, Manuel drives you.

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I heard that England doesn't have a kidney bank At least it has a Liverpool

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Sam Allardyce is a disgrace and needs to be punished, humiliated and made an example of... Therefore he should continue as England Manager

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England lost to Iceland in the Euro Cup and got knocked out I guess you could say its the worst thing to happen to them in the past 4 days

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The difference between England and a Tea Bag The tea bag stays in the cup longer...

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A kid from England walks into an classroom in America. Kid: Is this maths?

Teacher: No, this is math.

Kid: Ah, so you don't do multiples here.

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Why does England always get attacked in the summer? Because the Knights are shorter then.

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I'm on holiday visiting the math dept. at Univ. of Manchester, England. I guess I'm an Alan Turist.

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I heard the New England Patriots were going to be a little late to the Super Bowl Someone deflated all of the tires on the team bus.

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A Japanese man wished to join the knights of England. The recruitment official turned him away, however, stating that there can not be any chinks in their knights' armor.

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