Ex Girlfriend Jokes

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

EDIT: I know this is a repost but what do you expect? This is /r/jokes

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello. There was just too much history between us.

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer. No one will do it.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years, you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend? A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.

I finished with my ex girlfriend due to her obsession with counting. I wonder what she's up to now.

Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help... She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word... So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriends killer. But no one will do it

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

My Ex Girlfriend was getting beaten up at a bus stop by 5 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help.... She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of us

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... ...they'll kill your dog.

I heard my ex girlfriend needs a new kidney I'm not worried, her body hasn't rejected an organ in 25 years.

-Tom Cotter

I found out my ex girlfriend was at the opposite end of the museum as me today. I wanted to go say hi to her but there was just too much history between us.

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill. They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

When I told my ex girlfriend that I wanted to break up, she tried gifting me a mini plastic figurine of myself in an attempt to salvage our relationship. I screamed, "Lego of me!"

What's the difference between an archeologist and an ex girlfriend? The ancient stuff the archeologist digs up is useful.

What should I do if an ex girlfriend calls me and tells me she's HIV positive? The trick is, always act surprised.

I’m broke, and I am drinking at the bar where my ex girlfriend works. I am hoping she would give me another shot.

For the past two years I've been looking for my ex girlfriend's killer ...But nobody will do it

My ex girlfriend was like a pirate's quest... ...she had a sunken chest and always kept me searching for the booty.

My ex girlfriend is a brick Flat on both sides and laid by hispanic men.

An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates. It'll kill your dog

My ex girlfriend used to love coming home and finding me naked on the bed now she just calls the police

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to discover the largest prime number. I wonder what she is up to now.

My ex girlfriend left me to become a streetwalker in Venice She drowned

My ex girlfriend had a tattoo of a shellfish on her inner thigh If you would put your ear on it, you could smell the sea

I've spent the last 5 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer. So far I haven't found anyone that will do it.

What did the blue crab call his ex girlfriend? Old Bay

Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolate You share it with your whole family.

How do you pick up my ex girlfriend? With a broom and a dustpan.

My ex girlfriend was very good at magic She kept making my money disappear

What’s the difference between Mike Tyson with the flu, and my ex girlfriend? At least Mike Tyson was thick.

Whats the difference between my ex girlfriend and the average man? My ex has a higher sperm count.

I ran into my ex girlfriend the other day. Then I backed up and ran into her again.

What did the Amish man say to his ex girlfriend? Amish you a lot.

My ex girlfriend got an STD from a soldier. Gunnerrhea.