Hilarious Friends Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Friends Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Score: 19929

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary... Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

Score: 18642

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Score: 15123

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

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My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose... I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

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A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute” I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

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The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

Score: 10881

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Score: 10857

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

Score: 10780

One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore.. It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

Score: 10300

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary. Well the jokes on them – they're imaginary too.

Score: 6378

I froze myself to -273.1°C ..my friends and family are worried, but I'll be 0K

Score: 6062

Two friends are having a chat in a bar. Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Score: 3084

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

Score: 2751

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family... .. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

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Why does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

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Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends. Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?
Mom: Of course not.
Son: Well neither would he.

Score: 2431

What do you call friends that you go out to eat with? Taste buds.

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If men call short women "petite", what do women call short men? "friends"

Score: 2257

I told my friends I had a date with a really attractive girl... they told me she was imaginary, but the jokes on them, because they are too.

Score: 2177

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist. It's called 'Facebook'

Score: 2115

Me: “Did you invite Dan to the party?” My friend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Cannibal Dan or Dan that can’t spell?”

*notification from my friends phone, it’s a text from Dan.* “I can’t wait to meat your friends tonight.

My friend: “I’m not sure”

Score: 2028

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

Score: 1983

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

Score: 1876

I froze myself to -273.1 degrees Celcius... My friends were worried, but I'll be 0K

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I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Score: 1707

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends. Thoughts and prayers.

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I was talking to a girl in a bar last night She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Score: 1563

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook? Because he has followers, not friends.

Score: 1173

My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

Score: 1169

Just found an app that tells you which of your family members and friends are racist. It's called Facebook.

Score: 1163

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 983

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation

Score: 855

My friends made fun of me because they found out that my girlfriend is imaginary... Jokes on them, they're imaginary too.

Score: 711

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night and brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 642

Why does Voldemort use Twitter but not Facebook? He only has followers, not friends.

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My wife asked me that if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

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This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up Here I go again on my own.

Score: 362

New Friends Jokes

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm... it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

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What do friends and snow flakes have in common? They all disappear the moment you pee on them.

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Why don't drill operators have friends? They're boring.

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What do best friends and trees have in common? They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

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My friends and I started a band and called it 'Books' so.. No one can judge us by our covers.

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My girlfriend is so smart I called her from my friends phone and when she answered she said “hey babe what’s up?” How did she know it was me?

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I was sleeping with two twins for while in my 20s.... My friends all asked, "how can you tell them apart?" I replied, "well...Sharon has long blonde hair, and Derek has a beard."

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Being an Indian, my white friends asked me about what Indians did during the festival of Diwali... They got very happy and asked me to take them to India the next time. I don't know what's there to be happy about. I just told them " We blow crackers."

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Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

Score: 30

If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends He'd be a pastor of muppets

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My dads nickname is lightning. That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.

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A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket But I don't think I could pull if off

Score: 336

When I told my friends about my Lamborghini, they laughed and said it was imaginary. Jokes on them, 'cause they're imaginary, too.

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In a way, good friends are like condoms... ...they protect you when things get hard.

Score: 146

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

Score: 130

Why are vegans the best friends in the world? They never have beef with you.

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All of my friends say I'm condescending... (That means I talk down to people.)

Score: 90

My wife got naked and told me to show her a good time So I showed her a picture of my friends and I before we got married.

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I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Score: 107

What's the difference between me and my friends? I exist.

Score: 115

What happens when you put Nutella on Salmon? You get salmonella
Sorry if it's a repost. My friends just told me it:)

Score: 32

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, Mom, can little girls have babies?” “No, of course not” she said. Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”

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Friends are like snowflakes When you pee on them they disappear.

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My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

Score: 344

My son wants to name our next dog Naked This way he can tell his friends he walked Naked around the block

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I hate friends who talk about me behind my back. They discussed me.

Score: 54

My friends told me to stop making chemistry jokes, but then I told just one more I got no reaction, and now all my friends Argon

Score: 166

My girl is so smart! My girlfriend is so smart. I called her from my friends phone and she said "what's up honey?". She already knew I was on the other side of the line ;)

Score: 251

I've decided to freeze myself down to -273.15 degrees Celsius. My friends all think I'm crazy, but I'll be 0K.

Score: 197

What do electrical engineers call their friends? Ohmies

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I played my wedding video backwards today. It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

Score: 286

A treehouse is cruel... It's like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.

Score: 39

What do friends and trees have in common? They both fall down when you hit them with an axe.

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What do girls call guys who are less than 6 feet tall? Friends.

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One by one, all of my best friends have started to become interested in men as well as women. So I’m just sitting here, watching the world go bi.

Score: 57

Teacher asks: You have 12 apples and you give your friend 7, how many apples you have left? I answer: 12. I don't have any friends. (Crying internally)

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I have an invisible boyfriend... My friends don't know what I see in him.

Score: 32

The thought of one of my friends catching me playing with my train set is so embarrassing. So I covered the set up with bedsheets. Nobody will find out now, my tracks are covered

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My friends are like my guitar. I don't have a guitar...

Score: 98

How do ghosts make friends? By buttering a flight of stairs.

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I got a white noise machine to help me sleep... but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

Score: 80

If I killed all of your friends. I still wouldn't be a murderer

Score: 91

Friends are like snowflakes When you pee on them they disapear

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Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police? He's now a seasoned veteran.

Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this

Score: 38

What is it called when you accidentally kill one of your friends? Homiecide

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Why did Steve Bannon call Trump supporters working-class hobbits? Because they're friends with grand wizards.

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A couple was having a conversation, when... ...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

Score: 252

All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

Score: 24

There are 3 perks of having Alzheimer 1. You can make new friends every day.
2. You can look for the Easter eggs you hid yourself.
3. You can make new friends every day.

Score: 23

Do you know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends? He got married.

Score: 23

I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth.. Now her friends call me ruthless.

EDIT: Got hacked. Password and emailed changed, this post was changed to something else for a brief period by the hacker.

Score: 68

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

Score: 298

What does Sherlock call his friends? His Holmies

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My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend... We're the Suicide Squad!

Score: 28

When guys are best friends it's a bromance. When girls are best friends it's..... Temporary.

Score: 67

Man my friends are such jerks, as soon as I tell them I'm a dance addict... ...what do they do? Put me in this amazing 12-step program.

Score: 59

How do gingers make friends? No seriously, im getting lonely.

Score: 277

Started teaching my son and his friends Karate... I'm not qualified I just really enjoy kicking children.

Score: 159

Why are Egyptian saxophonists all such good friends? They've got a "toot in common."

Score: 21

Friends son turned 13 today. Any teenager jokes I could give him? I'll start. Why do we know Abrahams son wasn't a teen when Abraham tried to sacrifice him? Because if he was a teenager, it wouldn't have been a sacrifice.

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