Hilarious Gold Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Gold Jokes

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

R.I.P inbox.

Score: 25791

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet... I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

Edit:*Wow thanks for the gold

Score: 21880

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

Score: 16837

Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

Score: 14726

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Score: 9266

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

EDIT: THANK YOU KIND STRANGER MY FIRST GOLD

Score: 7017

My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

Score: 6776

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

Score: 2890

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

Score: 2751

Dad joke warning ⚠ Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

I won a Gold medal! Wow! Thank you /u/ArticCamels! I appreciate you... Be safe out there.

Score: 2644

Today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit

Edit: Thanks for gold :D

Score: 2134

RIP boiling water You will be mist.

EDIT: AWESOME my gold cherry is gone!

Score: 2116

What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine.

Edit: Wow guys. Thanks so much for the upvotes, the hilarious comments and I finally got my 1st gold!

Score: 2071

If the number 666 is considered evil ..is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

Edit: My first gold! Thank you kind stranger.

Score: 1973

What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox? Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

Score: 1929

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

Edit: thanks for the gold! It's my first!

Score: 1831

What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn

^He^^He^^^He^^^^He

Score: 1370

What's the difference between a pickpocket and peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches

EDIT:
my first gold! Thank you kind stranger. I do like gold even though it gives me a gilt complex

Score: 1227

Today I got a girlfriend I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

Edit: Obligatory "omg so many upvotes/wow RIP my inbox lol/thanks for the gold."

Score: 1082

Why hasn't Africa ever won Olympic gold in basketball? Because Africa isn't a country.

Score: 984

10 Ways to disguise Click Bait! Edit:Thnx for the gold stranger :)

Score: 939

What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common? They both slowly remove clogs.

I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !

Score: 937

What did the robber say after detonating a bomb inside a bank? EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

Score: 738

What's the difference between an iPhone X and one ounce of gold? An ounce of gold will still be worth a grand next year.

Score: 671

If you find gold in Australia where do you look for silver? Agstralia

Score: 647

I was digging a hole in my backyard... I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold coins. In my excitement I ran back in the house to tell my wife when I remembered why I was digging a hole.

Score: 544

How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.

Score: 516

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person I was also fired from my job as a bus driver..

Edit: Thank you for the gold u/H4hack !

Score: 514

What did the burglar say after he broke into Fort Knox by exploding a bomb? Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold.

Score: 448

How do you make gold soup ? Put 24 carrots in it

Score: 290

Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: "Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"

Edit: Wooow, first gold, and on my birthday too :D

Score: 249

What did Sloth say when he found gold? AU GUYS!!!

Score: 102

What do you call a gold fish wearing a top-hat? Sofishticated

Score: 86

Gold and Silver walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Ey you, get outta here!"

So Gold left.

Score: 71

Redditors are like alchemists. They try to turn their nonsense into gold.

Score: 33

How did one gold atom greet the other gold atom? 'ey you.

Score: 32

What do you say when you get hit by a brick of gold? Auch

Score: 32

A Brazilian got the first gold medal The police are already after him.

Score: 27

What would you call a terrible piece of gold? Absolutely Auful!

Score: 26

New Gold Jokes

My chocolate egg had special inner foil, and a grand prize inside: on-set passes to the filming of Multiverse of Madness! Thanks for the Strange, gold Kinder!

Score: 2

I recently found some gold plated pecans Pretty nuts, huh?

Score: 3

[Skyrim] Why are the stormcloaks black and blue? Because they can't see the White*-*Gold Concordat.

Score: 2

What do you call dinosaur without it’s gold? A dinosr!

Score: 4

What do you call a Leprechaun in a stand-up routine? Comedy Gold!

Score: 2

What did the chemist say to the burglar? Ay U, is that my gold? Ah Gee, it’s just silver.

Score: 2

What did the scientist say when a lump of gold jumped on to his periodic table? Ay You, get off my table!

Score: 7

They missed an opportunity naming the movie “Dora and the Lost City of Gold”. It should be called “El Dora-do”.

Score: 2

Why does everyone like that little gold quiddich ball in Harry Potter? I thought people didn't like snitches.

Score: 4

Only reposters will get this Karma and gold

Score: 15

My wife and I got into bed last night I said "That box of different coloured condoms arrived, I think I'll wear the gold one today."

She replied: "Why don't you wear the silver and come second for once?"

Score: 6

Here is a joke on net neutrality To read further please upgrade to AT&T Gold.

Score: 2

What's the difference between iPhone X and an ounce of gold? An ounce of gold will still be worth $999 next year.

Score: 11

We all know that alchemy isn't real. You can't get gold from lead. You just get lead from Flint.

Score: 5

How do you scare bees? "Boo-bees!"

Gold from my local preacher

Edit: Formatting

Score: 11

What do you say about something gold and cute? Auuuuuu

Score: 3

Old but (terrible) gold What has 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog

Score: 3

Have you heard the story of the deaf gold medalist? Neither did he...

Score: 2

Why do Europeans never win the most gold in water sports? All their best divers are playing football.

Score: 5

TIL that the government is selling military equipment for precious metals. Edit: Tanks for the gold!

Score: 9

Gold and Silver haven't seen each other since Elementary School They decided to meet up at a bar. Gold walks in and sees his old friend and calls out to him.

"Aay, G."

Silver gets excited and shouts back, "Hey, you!"

Score: 4

What is better then winning a gold medal at the paralympics? Being able to walk.

Score: 2

What's better than winning gold at the Paraplegic Olympics? Walking

Score: 3

A Jewish father is dying... He calls upon his son. "My son" - he says - "I'm soon to take my last breath. I know you always liked my gold watch. I think now, is the right time that I could sell it to you".

Score: 2

Why don't gold diggers eat apples? They don't want to keep the doctors away.

Score: 6

They just opened a Gold's Gym in Havana, Cuba I'd like to see the line for that rowing machine...

Score: 2

Why did Harry Potter use so much Gold Bond when he got off his broom? Quiddichin

I'll see myself out.

Score: 3

I wanted to be a gold prospector.... But in the end it didn't pan out.

Score: 2

Deciding whether to buy gold or silver... ...is an either ore situation

Score: 26

What did silver say to gold? Au, get over here!

Score: 4

If I were stranded on a deserted island with 3 things of my choice... I would have to choose Michael Phelps, a saddle, and a stick with a gold medal tied to it.

Score: 26

How did the editor fix the writer's article about appreciation for a certain valuable mineral? Edit: Thanks for the gold

Score: 12

The dumb geologist had a gold ore in his backyard Poor man took it for granite

Score: 4

What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics? Walking.

Score: 13

How does gold get people's attention? "Au!"

Score: 4

What did the owner of the mining rig say to his workers after they blasted the rock and found gold underneath? Wow this really blew up! Thanks for the gold!

Score: 6

Do you know, what is better than winning a gold medal in Paralympics? Legs.

Score: 6

Since I was a kid I always wanted to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But I guess that is just something Irish for.

EDIT: I just thought of this randomly. I'm sorry this is a horrible joke.

Score: 3

I had good prospects and thought I'd found a girl with a heart of gold. But it didn't pan out because she was a common 'ore.

Score: 3

What does a gold digger use to dig? A hoe

Score: 2

I would make a pun about sealife... But I'm pretty sure half of you would krill me for it.

This is comedy gold(fish).

Score: 5

Two gold fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”

Score: 4

Human-beings get rich as they grow old: Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!

Score: 24

What's better than a gold medal in the paralympics Walking

Score: 3

"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.." "Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."

"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!"

Score: 24

A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven. He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?"

Score: 18

[Politics] Is mental gymnastics an Olympic Sport? If it is, Sean Spicer could take home the gold, silver and bronze for the US.

Score: 2

Nesta Carter was asked how he felt after winning a gold medal alongside Usain Bolt. "That was dope!"

Score: 3

Finding exactly what right women don't have in America is like transmuting iron to gold. You can't.

Score: 3

CLICKBAIT TITLE (*bad pun goes here*)

(*necessary edit acknowledging upvotes and more bad puns in comments*)

(*necessary second edit for the anon's gold*)

Score: 2

Mexicans used to excel at cross-country... ... but Donald Trump could be the reason they get a gold in pole-vaulting

Score: 2

A set of gold chains would be a great retirement gift.. For a really good slave.

Score: 3

I could win an Olympic gold medal If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid

Score: 4

What's better than winning a gold medal at the Paralympics? Walking

Score: 8

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers? The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

Score: 7

Where can you find the most gold? Au stralia

Score: 13

What's blue and gold and comes in brownies? Cub Scouts.

Score: 4

What's better than a gold medal at the Paralympics? Working legs.

Score: 3

What's the only thing better than a gold medal at the Paralympics? Legs

Score: 8

What is better than getting a gold medal at the paralympics? Having legs.

Score: 15