Hilarious Grandma Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Grandma Jokes

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

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"Dad, I don't want to go visit Grandma" "Shut up, and keep digging"

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The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

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On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

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I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”

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The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

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I took my grandma to one of those fish spa's where the fish eat your dead skin Sooooo much cheaper than burying her in the cemetery.

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Grandma's been staring through the window ever since it started to snow If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in

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What is the worst response to "I love you"? "I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

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From grandma: Why do women wear panties with flowers on them? In memory of all the faces that were buried there.

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My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker... ...so I told her to roll them tighter.

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I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking..... We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

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So I tried Colgate for the first time.. was not impressed- The tube said 'Guaranteed whiteness in 3 brushes". 3 brushes later, I'm still Asian.

(Speaking of still Asians, my grandma's a quadriplegic. She's a pretty still Asian)

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Where do Bees use the bathroom? At the BP station. (thanks grandma)

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Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window. I might have to let her back in if it gets any worse

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What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she gave him a scarf for Christmas? Gee, you knit?

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I was at a family barbecue yesterday night and my great grandma started giggling. When I asked her what was so funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

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I like Ouija boards It's the only game I can still play with grandma.

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My Grandma's favorite saying Life is the ultimate disease. Its sexually transmitted and terminal.

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Grandma, how old are you? "A woman never reveals her age", she replied to her young grandson.

He said "Alright, just give me the first digit"

"Six" she said.

"And the second?"

Grandma sighed. "Seven."

"And the third?"

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Dark I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

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But daaaad, I don't wanna go see grandma... "Son, shut up and keep digging,!"

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Why didn't Mr. Clean's wife ever get pregnant? He comes in a bottle.

- My grandma.

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I asked my grandma what her parents did for fun before there was television. I asked her 7 brothers and 7 sisters and they didn't know either.

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My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government. Visitors only see the nice china.

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Got a call that my Grandma only has 1 day left to live... But I'm still not paying the ransom.

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Mommy mommy I dont wanna see grandma! Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

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my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.”

my dad: "what kind is it?"

my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

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My grandma is 80 years old, and still doesn't need glasses... She drinks right out of the bottle.

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My 93-year-old grandma has rheumatoid arthritis and is slow at crosswalks. Yesterday, she got hit by a car. She's perfectly fine -- she has an auto-immune disease!

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My Grandmother was excited to hear that some cookies at the bake sale were baked by genuine prostitutes Grandma did always have a soft spot for ho-made products.

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I took my grandma to a new spa.. I took my grandmother to a new spa where they have little fish eat away at your dead skin for only $40.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

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My Grandma's like the Moon... Nobody's cared about visiting her for 40 years.

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Little Johnny: "Grandma, make a sound like a Frog." Grandma: "Why?" Little Johnny: "Cause daddy says we'll make a lot of money when you croak."

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What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

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My grandma recently claimed she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein.. What a stroke of genius.

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I used to think my drawings made me autistic... it turns out my Grandma was just from Boston.

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The worst birthday present I ever got... ...was from my grandma when i turned 5. She gave me three socks. When asked why, she responded "because your mom said you grew a foot."

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For the first time in 40 years I didn't get a Valentine's day card from a secret admirer I just don't understand it.

First Grandma dies, and now this!!

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New Grandma Jokes

My grandma called and told me she had a cataract removed... I told her, “Yeah I know, granny. They got my car too.”

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A girl is singing her favorite songs Her grandma comes in the room and says: ,,Oh, that was you, I thought it was the radio."

Girl: ,,And you came to listen granny!? :D"

,,Naw, I wanted to turn off the radio."

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My grandma sometimes lays out sunflower seeds so birds will come and eat them Instead, some Middle Eastern guys showed up and made themselves comfortable with their shisha.

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My dad went with my grandma to the doctors office and we found out she was diagnosed with dementia a year, but she forgot to tell us.

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Woman: (flashing diamond ring) “Look what happened last weeeeek!” Friend: “OMG really?!??!”

Woman: “That’s riiight,” she continues waving the ring around. “Grandma diiiiied.”

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A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000 The daughter asks "What kind is it?"

"It's 5:45 dear"

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My Grandma told me all her friends had AIDS... I told her I was sorry for them and she asked me to speak up.

She too had AIDS,

\*hearing aids\*

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I don't know why my grandma got kicked out of Knitting club... She only asked the others if they wanted to make glove

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Little Johnny does poetry. One day in English class, Little Johnny is asked to write a poem. He gets up in front of class and tells them "I've named this poem Old Lady's Underpants."

Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
Grandma's are purple.

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I often lay awake at night wondering if, in retrospect, my grandfather's hard work will be rewarded with some sense of peace or closure after my dementia ridden grandma passes. Damnit!!! And my socks don't match.

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What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers? Grandma on wash day.

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People call me Ruthless... ever since my grandma died.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like Grandma. Not screaming in panic like the passengers of her car.

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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin. It was way cheaper than having a funeral.

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My grandma was not allowed to bring her knitting needles on the airplane. They were worried she might knit an afghan.

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We had a sick gathering last night. The Roof was on fire! I'm sad to say that grandma's brain tumor isnt getting better and who knew chocolate chip cookies could flare up like that...

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My grandmother had a stroke last night. "Call me an ambulance!" she screamed.

"You're an ambulance, Grandma" I said, and then I left. It felt good to help.

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I offered my grandma five whole dollars for a ride on her stairlift... I figured she'd take me up on it

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What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi? Grandma

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I remember the last thing my grandma said to me before she died... She said "What're you doing in here with that hammer!"

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Why was Dre's grandma so happy when she found out his career choice? Because there was finally a Doctor in the family who could perform her hip op.

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At the age of 65 my grandma started walking 5 miles a day. She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.

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My grandma's star sign was Cancer so her death was pretty ironic... She was killed by a giant crab.

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A little boy is crying, because his pet bunny died... his mother asks: How does it come you are crying much more now than when your grandma died?
little boy:I didnt have to pay for her with my allowance.

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Grandma and the Bird I said, "Grandma, how do you like the bird I sent?"
She said, "It was delicious."
I said, "You ate it?! That was a two thousand dollar talking bird!" She said, "Well, he should have said something."

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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

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A girl complains to her mother about having to share her bed with her grandmother. Girl: "Mom, I'm sick of sharing with grandma. She smells!
Mom:"Honey I told you already, we can't afford to have her buried".

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What does eating out a 80 year old grandma taste like? Depends..

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If a light sleeper sleeps lighter with the light on, does a hard sleeper sleep harder with... the window open?

From my 88 year old grandma

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My 2.5 year old's joke **Grandma to kids:** Are you Jack? Are you Harry?

**Kids**: nooooo (laughter)

**Grandma to 2.5 year old grandson**: Are you Mo?

**Grandson**: I mow the lawn!

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Life is like a christmas sweater I want to get rid of it but that would just make my grandma sad

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Grandma weighs a lot A friend forgot his laptop on the floor of my room. My grandma thought it was a scale. Conclusion: She weighs $950.

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Visited my grandma for mother's day... My uncle Jack walked in while I was there and I greeted him "Hi Jack!" after which grandma said "Whatever you do, don't say that on a plane!"

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They say you shrink when you get older. My grandma lost a foot in her old age, but I think that was more so due to the gangrene.

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I've started calling the smallest of my three dogs 'grandma' She has mini paws

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If you can't stand the heat... You're probably at my grandma's house.

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Life cereal uses false advertising... I poured it on my grandma and she still didn't wake up.

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My grandma has nearly finished her jigsaw after 3 weeks Pretty good considering it says 7-8 years

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My grandma told me that hair is the secret ingredient in her famous carrot cake She says it tastes better when you put real keratin

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A kid and his mom went to go see their grandma Kid: But mom, I don't want to see grandma!

Mom: Shut up boy, and keep diggin'!

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We moved my 87 year old grandma into a nursing facility run by nuns It's assistered living

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I remember what my grandma said before she kicked the bucket... "How far do you think I can kick this bucket??"

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Little boy asks his grandma "What's that picture?" Grandma: It's a horse drawn carriage.

Little boy: It's so messy and scribbled, I bet I could do better.

Grandma: Don't be mean. You have hands, the poor horse was only using his hooves.

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My grandma once told me an inspiring quote about the ocean I can't remember exactly how it went. I just remember it being very deep

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I asked a hot grandma if I had a shot at getting in her panties She said, "Depends."

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My grandma just asked me, "Son, what's your retirement plan?" I said, "It's you."

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What's the difference between a grandfather clock and your grandma's favourite breakfast? The letter L

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What do you call a particularly crabby Chinese grandma? A crust-asian.

^(I'm sorry....)

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Got my first kiss on the lips today Too bad Grandma is seeing someone else

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My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet.

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An old woman is lying on her deathbed when her youngest granddaughter, holding back tears, says to her: "I love you, Grandma." The old woman replies:
Oh yeah? Name 3 of my albums.

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My Grandma Discovered an online knitting forum She was upset the other day, apparently she used the *wrong thread* and the Mods banned her.

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Little Johnny calls for his mom "MOM! MOM!"

"What is it Johnny?"

"Does Grandma know anything about car mechanics?"

"No, why?"

"She's outside, under a bus"

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What do you call a grandma that know martial arts? A grandmartial artist.

I apologise for any lost brain cells.

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Dad how it feels to have a awesome son? Dad: Ask your grandma.

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My grandma speaks Spanish and it's hard to understand what she is saying so I've decided to read her body language... But the only thing I've been able to come up with, is that she wants to go back to Mexico, because everything is hanging south.

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What happens when you put your grandma on speedial? You get Insta-Gram

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I keep telling my Grandma that she needs hearing aids... ...but she just won't listen.

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My grandma has ingrained this silly joke since I was young: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam!

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My Mennonite Grandma told me these ones What do you call a bad Mennonite poet?

Corny Reimer

Why do mennonites wear condoms?

To stop the spread of Abes

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