Hilarious Grandpa Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Grandpa Jokes

1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!" 2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"

Score: 1869

Grandpa joke: What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters? Short

Score: 1366

My grandpa said "your life revolves too much around technology. Then I said, "no, yours does." Then I unplugged his life support.

EDIT: Came back from school to this! R.I.P Inbox!

Score: 1319

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive... ...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

Score: 1268

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Score: 875

I asked my grandpa.. I asked my grandpa: “After 65 years you still call grandma darling, beautiful and honey. What’s the secret?”

Grandpa: “I forgot her name 5 years ago and I’m scared to ask her.”

Score: 822

Score: 735

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

Score: 729

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

Score: 612

My grandpa always says, “When one door closes, another opens.” He was a good man, but a lousy cabinet maker.

Score: 604

“Grandpa, grandpa! I’m watching a soccer game!” “Who’s playing?”
“Austria-Hungary”
“Against who?”

Score: 590

I was talking to my grandfather When he said
"your generation relies too much on technology"
I then said
" no grandpa yours does"
Then I unplugged his life support.

Score: 402

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

Score: 379

My grandpa always said "As one door closes another opens." He was a great man but a terrible cabinet maker.

Score: 361

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!”

Then I unplugged his life support.

Score: 341

A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why? Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!

Score: 340

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly. We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

Score: 336

Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist? Because they're not-z's.

Score: 333

Grandpa Always told me... Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.

Score: 307

My grandpa's so cheap... When he dies, he'll probably walk towards the light - and turn it off.

Score: 284

My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them... Says he has always been able to count on them.

Score: 242

During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

Score: 234

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans. Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

Score: 234

I remember the last words my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket... "Hey, how far do you reckon I could kick this bucket?"

Score: 197

A guys asks his grandpa how come he still calls his wife "darling" after being married for over 60 years. the grandpa says : shush it, I forgot her name 30 years ago.

Score: 173

I asked my dad "What's it like having the best son in the world ?" He replied "I don't know, you'll have to ask Grandpa."

Score: 154

I'll never forget what my grandpa said to me just before he died... "are you still holding the ladder?"

Score: 147

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance? Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

Score: 142

An old man is walking in the hospital... An old man is walking in the hospital and talks to himself:
-aquarius?... no, no no... was it gemini?... naaah...
young doctor cant stand it anymore and walks to him:
-cancer grandpa, you got cancer!

Score: 119

“Your generation relies too much on technology!” My Grandpa told me, “your generation relies too much on technology!” I told him, “no, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then, I unplugged his life support.

Score: 117

In America, it's called Alt Right In Germany, it's called "This is Why Grandpa Lives in Argentina"

Score: 94

Knock Knock Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave walked away crying because his grandpa had Alzheimer's.

Score: 91

My grandpa says my generation relies too much on technology. I said "No grandpa. Yours does" and then I unplugged his life support.

Score: 89

You know what my grandpa said to me right before he kicked the bucket? Hey Billy how far do you think I can kick this bucket

Score: 82

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet. I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

Score: 67

Yesterday I watched "Get Out" with my racist grandpa He thought it was a documentatary.

Score: 58

they asked a 100year old grandpa why were all the women still crazy about him? grandpa said nothing! just gently licked his eyebrow

Score: 57

My grandpa always had it had on my generation... My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

I then proceeded to unplug his life support.

Score: 56

My grandpa told me My grandpa told me: "Your generation relies too much on technology".
So I replied: "No , your generation relies too much on technology" as I unplugged his life support.

Score: 51

My grandpa told me that my generation relies too much on technology So I unplugged his life support

Score: 44

New Grandpa Jokes

My grandpa claims that his was the first profession to go all digital. He’s a proctologist.

Score: 6

Little Timmy goes up to Grandpa O’Malley and says... “Can I have 5 bucks for a guinea pig?”
Grandpa O’Malley says “here’s 10 bucks, go get yourself a nice Irish girl instead.

Score: 6

My Dad and I were helping my Grandfather find his hearing aid.. “We don’t need to find it, I’ll be okay without it”

“No Grandpa we should still try and find it”

“What?”

I rest my case

Score: 3

What’s the difference between my grandpa and a smart person The smart guy has a stroke of genius and my grandpa has a stroke

Score: 3

My grandpa has the heart of a lion He's not allowed back into the Detroit Zoo.

Score: 3

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? Full.

(Courtesy of my grandpa)

Score: 31

My grandpa told me that my generation relies too much on technology... I told him: No grandpa, your does. Then I unplugged his life support.

Score: 7

I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket He said “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Score: 23

My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?" Step on her toe

Score: 4

My Grandpa was a retired Boxer. He had trouble sleeping. He tried counting sheep but everytime he got to 10 he got up.

Score: 3

My grandpa told me about the 3 rings of marriage today... The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Score: 19

My Grandpa said that Snoopy is his favorite rapper. He went on to explain that he generally doesn't like the hipping hop, but Snoopy Dog was his favorite.

Score: 2

I'll always remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket. "Hey, bud. Wanna see me kick this bucket?"

Score: 4

My grandpa told me, "You millennials are too dependent on technology... .. so I plugged out his life support

Score: 17

My grandfather told me my generation is too dependent on technology. I said, "No grandpa, your generation is too dependent on technology." Then I unplugged his life support.

Score: 35

My Grandpa said, your generation relies way too much on technology and then unplugged my phone. I said no, your generation relies too much on technology and unplugged his life support.

Score: 43

I really hate the feeling of wrinkly fingers in the tub But he's my grandpa, what can you do?

Score: 3

What did grandma and grandpa do before there was Internet? I mean, didn't they get bored?

I asked my 32 uncles and aunts, but they didn't know either.

Score: 22

When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa and not like the screaming, horrified people in his car.

Score: 32

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game "Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

Score: 30

My friends and I just started a music group. We're calling the band "Grandpa's Life Support." That way, if we ever have an acoustic album, it'll be called "Grandpa's Life Support: Unplugged."

Score: 5

I'd like to die like my grandpa, in my sleep. Not screaming and yelling, like the people in his car.

Score: 6

I want to die peacefully and in sleep like my grandpa not screaming and kicking like the passengers in his car.

Score: 5

Kid: I played with grandpa today! Mom *angry*: I told you not to dig in the sandbox!

Score: 41

I'll never forget what my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket I wonder how far I can kick this alligator

Score: 6

Knock, Knock, who's there? Grandpa! Quick stop the funeral!

Score: 37

My grandpa died in a concentration camp He got so drunk one night that he fell of a watch tower

Score: 2

I would like to give a shoutout to my grandpa... Because it's the only way he can hear

Score: 3

We recently attached wheels to my 104-year-old grandpa's bed so he could spend some time outside before he died He went downhill very fast after that

Score: 2

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday." Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."

Friend, "But you can't die of that!"

Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

Score: 7

Shoot the kids, hang the parents, frame grandpa... I tried to tell Rob the slogan for his new photography business needed fixing but he wasn't having any of it.

Score: 7

The doctor told my grandpa, he had one week to live, but my grandpa proved him wrong against all the odds. He died the next morning

Score: 2

What does a WiFi Router and my grandpa have in common? an SS ID

Score: 11

My grandpa has got the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the zoo.

Score: 34

Grandpa used to say that laughter is the best medicine. I guess that's why most of us died from tuberculosis.

Score: 3

My grandpa kicked the bucket yesterday, but he's still in the hospital. His toe injury was more severe than originally thought.

Score: 7

Want to know the last thing my grandpa said before he kicked the bucket? "Hmm, I wonder how far I can kick this bucket..."

Score: 6

Money can't buy happiness... but it makes a great down payment!
~My Grandpa

Score: 8

My Grandpa who is a veteran had a heart of a lion Which is why he is banned from every zoo

Score: 2

I can still remember my grandpa's last words... "Hey, stop shaking the ladder!"

Score: 10

My grandpa always told me that cooking and cleaning was a woman's job, so I was surprised when he confessed he does his own laundry... I guess he's really passionate about separating whites from coloreds.

Score: 4

We call my grandpa "Spider-Man" He doesn't have any super powers, he just finds it hard to get out of the bath

Score: 9

Yesterday, my grandpa bought a book called "how to prevent Alzheimer's disease" He bought one today, too.

Score: 26

My grandpa died in a concentration camp. Poor guy fell out of the guard tower.

Score: 32

I have just been told that my grandpa was on the Titanic...... ....... and, as far as I know, he still is.

Score: 3

My granddad always did say that we were too reliant on technology... I replied, "No, you are grandpa." As I unplugged his life support

Score: 10

"Dad, why couldn't the doctors save grandpa's life? "Doesn't matter son, he would have suffocated in the coffin"

Score: 3

This was my grandpa's favorite joke: why don't elephants wear ties? Because then they'd be called Elegants !

Score: 16

My grandpa always said, it's good to meet a girl in the park... But it's better to park your meat in a girl.

Score: 2

A joke my grandpa told me before he passed. "Pull my finger."

Score: 2

My grandpa said ur generation relies too much on technology! I said, " no your generation relies too much on technology!" Then... I unplugged his life support

Score: 41

How do you want it die? Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa.

Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying.

Score: 16

Voldemort tried to kill my grandpa twice during the war! That's why his helmet has two lighting bolts.

Score: 17

Did you hear Mexico agreed to help Donald Trump build his wall? They've gotta keep all those Americans out once Donald gets elected.

Sorry, super liberal grandpa told me this one on Father's day. Couldn't help but share.

Score: 5

A family is at the table eating dinner. "I don't like Grandpa" said the boy to his Mom.
"That's okay honey, just finish your potatoes instead." She replied.

Score: 4

My grandpa told me this before he kicked the bucket. He said, "Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"

Score: 16

A son comes to his grandpa.. ... And asks him "Grandpa, how comes all girls still like you?"

"Eh, eh, my lil' son...", said the old man licking his eyebrow

Score: 4

I told my grandpa he should wear his hearing aids but he won't listen

Score: 3

I can't laugh at jokes about concentration camps, since my grandpa died there too. The dumbass fell from a watchtower.

Score: 6

My grandpa always had it hard on this generation... My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!"

I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!"

I then proceeded to unplug his life support.

Score: 11