Contents
Contents
What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian. It was the least I could do for the guy.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
A black guy in an library asked me where the colored printer was I said "Sir, this is 2019. You can use any printer you want".
Why is the white guy the scariest guy in prison? Cause you know he is actually guilty.
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.
The only person that keeps me from commiting suicide is that guy instantly upvoting anything I post.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol? Police think it is race-related
A guy with a stutter died in prison before he could finish his sentence.
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex He’s a small arms dealer.
How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”
If I had a dollar for every racist thing I said a black guy would probably rob me.
Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud... But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them
A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"
The judge responds "what's she doing"
The guy says "looking for me"
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday. Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
A black guy in a library asked me where the colored printer was I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use any printer you want."
a guy got an Interview for a job with EA
Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board
If light travels faster than the speed of sound... how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.” the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”
Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nuts
I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground. So I threw mine on the ground, too
Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities. Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.
Why didn't the Japanese guy get a high five? Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him. He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.
My town never changes population. Everytime a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.
To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: You can hide, but you can't run.
My wife left me for an Indian guy I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
A guy and his girlfriend are talking
Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.
I knew a guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He is now a seasoned veteran
A black guy and a white girl are at a party A black guy and a white girl are at a party. After a while they go together to a room, and she asks excited: "Show me if what they say about black men is true". He grabs her purse and runs
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."
A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say- -A E I O U
I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled...
"Does anyone know CPR!?"
I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.
Well, except for this one guy.
A guy asked an officer “why is a dog called a K9?” “Because if its K10, it’ll be a cat”
I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't stop pouring maple syrup on his bike?
Apparently he's stuck in a viscous cycle.
[just made this up \^_\^]
A guy goes to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken and meets a girl dressed as an egg. The answer is the chicken.
How do you find a blind guy in a nudist colony? it isn't hard.
A blind guy rang my door bell... When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.
So this guy at college keeps calling me a flamingo one of these days I'm going to put my foot down.
"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!" ~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.
To the guy that found my empty wallet. I don’t know how to repay you.
I got fired from PC World today.
A guy came in the store and asked me what was the best thing for finding your ancestors.
“Probably a shovel” was not the right answer.
I was in a bar last night when a waitress screamed...
"Does anyone know CPR?"
"I know all the letters of the alphabet" I shouted back.
Everyone laughed.........well except this one guy.
My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer
Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.
I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you". I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
I once thanked a French guy to death It was a merci killing
Did you hear about the guy whose spouse was hit by lightning? His entire wife flashed before his eyes.
I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"
So I was minding my business in the library today when a black guy walked up to me and asked me where the colored printers were. I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use whatever printer you want."
Know a guy who took an airline to court over missing luggage... ...He lost his case
Why is the white guy the scariest person in jail? You know he's guilty.
A priest, a paedophile and a rapist walk into a bar And that was just the first guy
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line"
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
If I had a dollar for every racist comment I ever made..... I'd probably get robbed by a black guy.
A guy was wondering what being a suicide bomber was like So I told him, "C4 yourself"
I lost my watch I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
A guy walks into a bar and orders fruit punch
The bartender says, "Pal, If you want punch, you'll have to go stand in line."
The guys looks around, but there is no punch line.
Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds.. poor guy.
Testing products on animals
Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.
A Man walked into a bar with a gun
The man - Which one of you F*cked my wife?!
Random guy in the bar - YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BULLETS!
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
I was at a restaurant....
and the the waitress yelled "Does anyone know CPR?!".
I replied "I actually know the whole alphabet."
Everyone laughed except for this one guy.
Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other:
Two guys were sitting in a bar, when one guy said to the other: "Don't you hate it when they repeat the title in the post?"
Edit: Wooow, first gold, and on my birthday too :D
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...
He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."
So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes." The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."
What's the difference between a guy with an Arts Major, and a guy with a Philosophy Major? One will ask WHY you want fries with that!
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...
"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
My best friend is a very chill guy He's 0K
A guy meets his buddy at the bar. He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend? I replied I would rather compete against one guy than the whole world
Why is that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he's a player But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys it's your mom?
An Irish guy walks out of a bar... I mean, it could happen.
Why is it that when a guy sleeps with a bunch of girls he is a player... But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys i'm not one of them?
Chocolate is bad
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business.
A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..
Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.
Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"
He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."
I used to work at the circus
I was the guy that circumcised the elephants.
The pay wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy. But he really saved the History channel.
Did you hear about the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism? He got repossessed.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
A Little Black Jewish Boy says to his father, "daddy, am I more black or more Jewish?"
Why do you ask? Says the dad.
The boy says, "well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I should haggle him down to $75 or just steal it"
Ladies: A guide to understanding what guys say...
* If a guy says you're hot, he's looking at your body.
* If a guy says you're pretty, he's looking at your face.
* If a guy says you're fabulous, he's looking at your brother.
I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it... "Get a load of this guy"
Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
Our new IT guy moved here from Australia... He comes from a LAN down under.
I had a job interview today.
I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.
The guy asked me when I could start.
I replied "In three months."
So a Black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder...
The bartender says "Wow, that's something real special you've got there! Where'd you get it?"
"Africa!", says the parrot.
I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won I said, "yeah man, you're free!"
A black guy walks into a bar with a parrot...
The bartender says, "Wow! That is really cool! Where did you get it?"
"Africa", says the parrot.
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