Hilarious Hearing Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Hearing Jokes

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Score: 12896

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong. It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

Score: 8253

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..." Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Score: 7504

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

Score: 2030

Score: 1783

I went to the doctors with hearing problems He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

Score: 1103

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.. He said "can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Aye, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair!"

Score: 644

Went to the doctors the other day and said ‘ I’m having loads of trouble hearing people when they speak’ Doctor said ‘ right ok. Can you describe the symptoms?’
I said ‘yeah Marge has blue hair and homer is a fat bloke’

Score: 610

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world. Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

Score: 548

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 487

During a parole hearing. Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Prisoner: It's bec...

Officer: Yes?

Prisoner: I think i have...

Officer: Go on.

Prisoner: Can i please finish my sentence!

Officer: Sure, Parole denied.

Score: 484

A woman walks into a dry cleaner... and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"

Score: 326

I went to the doctor with hearing problems He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer is fat, Lisa is smart and Marge has blue hair"

Score: 306

I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?" I said "Homer's a fat guy and Marge has blue hair"

Score: 291

If a deaf person goes to court Is it still a hearing?

Score: 281

Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms. Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

^(Posted on behalf of /r/ScottishPeopleTwitter's comment section)

Score: 258

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices He says I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 238

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS? Acting surprised

Score: 207

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" Inmate: it's bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think i have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can i please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Score: 198

A lady walks into a dry cleaners... ...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

Score: 162

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

Score: 161

A group of deaf people get together to protest The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!

Score: 158

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

Score: 153

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 150

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head... She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist...

Score: 134

Dry Cleaning Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

Score: 124

Dry cleaners. A hot blond walks into a Dry cleaners. She tells the teller "I need to get a stain removed from my sweater. The teller being a little hard of hearing asks "Come again?" To which she replied " No, its mustard."

Score: 118

Doctor... there’s something wrong with my hearing! Describe the symptoms....

Uh...Well Marge has blue hair....homer is fat...

Score: 115

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes? Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over

Score: 112

My doctor told my that I need to start wearing condoms on my ears when I go to sleep That way I don’t get hearing aids

Score: 111

The hard of hearing stoner... got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

Score: 109

Went to the doctors with hearing problems.. He says can ya describe the symptoms,

I said yes Homers fat and Marge has blue hair

Score: 64

If you lose your hearing,... is it ear replaceable?

Score: 58

I didn't go to college, I went to the 'School of Hard Knocks'. Because I wanted to get a job as a door-to-door hearing aid salesman.

Score: 51

New Years resolution Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution

Score: 34

Guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems... Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?

Guy: Yeah, Homers the fat one and Marge has big blue hair

Score: 23

People think listening to a really great song and having an eargasm is great Thats until you get hearing aids

Score: 20

Went to the doctors yesterday... ..I said: "doc, im having problems with my hearing"...."really? Can you describe the symptons?" he replied I said "yes, Marge has blue hair and Homers a fat bloke"

Score: 20

"You da bomb" was one of the best things to hear someone tell me when I was younger. But the possibility of hearing it now has me scared to death here in ISIS.

Score: 15

I told my therapist that I was hearing voices. He told me I didn't have a therapist.

Score: 15

New Hearing Jokes

There is nothing nicer than hearing childrens screams coming from your basement It was so much fun turning off the power while my daughter and her friends were playing with a ouija board

Score: 3

Two guys were sitting in a library One guy tells the other,"Hey bro, can you pass me the biology book?". Hearing this, the librarian hushed him and said,"Be silent!". Hearing this, this guy repeats the question,"Hey ro, can you pass me the iology ook?".

Score: 2

My hard of hearing travel agent took me to Afghanistan. But, I asked for a place with nice dessert.

Score: 3

If a deaf person turns a dude on talking about their disability He's going to be hard of hearing

Score: 2

I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up. According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

Score: 5

My Dad and I were helping my Grandfather find his hearing aid.. “We don’t need to find it, I’ll be okay without it”

“No Grandpa we should still try and find it”

“What?”

I rest my case

Score: 3

What did the cat say after hearing to a funny joke ? Lmao.

Score: 3

I once met a hearing-impaired genie. Needless to say, it was the worst day of my life.

On top of ending up with a million doll-hairs, I am now the owner of a man's shin...

...and the legal guardian of an 8-inch pianist!

Score: 2

Thought I lost my hearing but I actually just left my ear buds in It was a near deaf experience.

Score: 4

A hooker called me the other day I'm not old or anything but I now have hearing aids

Score: 3

I’m not sure you should have gone to that concert during our vacation in Europe, you lost your hearing for the rest of the trip! Are you sure it was worth it? Deaf in Italy.

Score: 3

I keep hearing about all these battered women... All these years I've been eating them plain.

Score: 2

A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000 The daughter asks "What kind is it?"

"It's 5:45 dear"

Score: 13

What are deaf people tired of hearing? Nothing.

Score: 4

My Grandma told me all her friends had AIDS... I told her I was sorry for them and she asked me to speak up.

She too had AIDS,

\*hearing aids\*

Score: 2

Since it's Groundhog Day today, does anyone know any good jokes? Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over...

Score: 4

A young couple is in a bus. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Score: 7

I’ve been hearing how easy it is to convince ladies not to eat Tide pods... It’s somewhat more difficult to deter gents.

Edit; I’ll show myself out.

Score: 4

Shout out to... ...those that are hard of hearing.

Score: 2

What do you get after listening to Ear rape? Hearing AIDS!

Score: 2

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid It cost me $5,000 but it is state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

Score: 3

What did the feminist say after hearing her impending misfortune? Oh, men.

Score: 2

When new self driving cars become mainstream, country music will change We'll be hearing songs about how my truck ran off

Score: 2

I went to the doctors with hearing problems last week. He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homer's fat and Marge has blue hair"

Score: 6

Old guy goes to the doctor His wife is with him to help due to his bad hearing. The doctor says he'll need a stool, urine, and sperm sample. Not sure what he said the man asks his wife. She replies "The doctor needs your underwear".

Score: 2

I was kind enough to make you breakfast in bed. If I'm kind enough to wake you up with breakfast in bed, I don't need to be hearing all this, "how'd you get into my house?," nonsense.

Score: 4

Replaced my girlfriend with a supercharger At least I enjoy hearing it whine

Score: 4

Read a story recently about a guy who went deaf as a result of having acquired immune deficiency syndrome. He had hearing aids.

Score: 2

If a deaf person goes to court Is it still called a hearing

Score: 4

Got tired of hearing my girlfriend complain that I never went down on her She stopped after I chewed her out.

Score: 2

I went to the doctors I went to the doctors about my hearing problem, and he goes can you describe the symptoms, and I said yes well homer is the fat one marge has blue hair.

Score: 6

I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.

Score: 3

How well did OJ do at his hearing today? He murdered it!

Score: 5

All elderly people have AIDS Hearing aids, band-aids, and Rol-aids

Score: 4

What did Jeff Sessions say at the Senate hearing? I can't recall

Score: 4

Everyone was tired of hearing Greg complain about his car troubles It was always a Saab story

Score: 2

I told my dad that his hearing was terrible. He said, "You can say that again."

Score: 10

I go to the Doctor Title:
Doctor: I understand you're experiencing hearing difficulties. Please describe the symptoms.
Text:
Patient: Well, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

Score: 2

Hearing Aid My neighbor just told me, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," . "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty"

Score: 2

I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing… He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

Score: 7

My doctor said "I understand you are experiencing hearing problems. Please describe the symptoms. " So I told him that Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.

Score: 4

Did you hear what Charles Manson said after he was asked what he would do if he got out on parole at his hearing? CM: "I don't know, settle down? Maybe start a family?"

Credit to my friend for this joke haha.

Score: 2

"What's wrong, Bubba?" Asked the pastor

"I need you to pray for my hearing," said bubba.

The pastor puts his hands over Bubba's ears and prayed.
When he was done he asked, "So how's your hearing?"

"I don't know," said Bubba "It isn't until next Tuesday."

Score: 2

What did the hacker say at the congressional hearing? "I will answer any related queries to disassembly"

Score: 2

Sharing earbuds and headphones spreads disease How do you think I got hearing aids?

Score: 3

Why does the grim reaper need a hearing aid? Because he's deaf.

Score: 11

My girlfriend asked me, "what are we going to do with your eyesight?" "we're going to have to buy a larger hearing aid."

Score: 2

I told my doctor I´d got hearing problems He said "describe the symptoms"
I said "Homer´s a fat bloke, drinks beer, and Marge has got blue hair"

Score: 5

3 men, hard of hearing: "Its Windy out, isn't it?" "No, it's Thursday", responds the second; to which the third replies "Me too, let's go grab a beer".

Score: 3

I went to the doctor because my hearing problem The doctor said 'Can you describe the symptoms?'
I said 'Yeah, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair'

Score: 12

Hellen Keller had legal trouble... she missed her hearing.

Score: 4

Last week somebody came in my ear now I have hearing AIDS.

Score: 2

I've been volunteering a lot with the hearing impaired lately: I couldn't care less about them as a group, but it's the only way to find a girlfriend who is completely mute.

Score: 2

Why did the hearing aid salesman quit his job for a life of piracy? Because he only ever made a good Buccaneer

Score: 2

I just bought the politically correct edition of Doctor Who. What's the deal with all these Cyberpersons I keep hearing about?

Score: 2

I told my grandpa he should wear his hearing aids but he won't listen

Score: 3

I hate hearing jokes about midgets and roller coasters. They usually come up short.

Score: 1

What do you call a queue of people waiting for hearing aids to be fitted? Deaf row

Score: 11

I keep telling my Grandma that she needs hearing aids... ...but she just won't listen.

Score: 7

I keep hearing about how the Washington Redskins name is offensive. Well, if they really want to be offensive, they should change their name to the Riggers. You know, because politicians rig elections.

Score: 1