Hilarious Heart Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Heart Jokes

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

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My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

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My mother always used to say, "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman... ...useless surgeon.

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As I looked into her eyes... ...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

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My father has the heart of a lion... And also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads. We don’t care how many “heart attack victims” you have to “take to the hospital.”

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A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

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Marriage is like a deck of cards At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

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My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.

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What gave Hitler a heart attack? Seeing his gas bill

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion, ... and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

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I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

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Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

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My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river… I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

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Yo mama so fat... ...she had an heart attack while running an app.

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It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive

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If a woman thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach... She’s aiming a little too high.

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My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.

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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach... ...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage.

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It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

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I've got the eye of the tiger, heart of a lion, and... a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies: Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

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I have the heart of a lion And a lifetime ban from the local zoo

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I've got the eye of the tiger, the heart of the lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle and A lifetime ban from the zoo

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I think my friend is a vampire I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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I have the heart of a lion... and a lifelong ban from the zoo.

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What is a pirate's favorite letter? You'd think it'd be "R", but me heart belongs to the "C".

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Most people think I'm sick and twisted... But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.

In a jar.

On my desk.

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If I ever need a heart transplant.. I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

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A grandmother goes to the doctor A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"

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I have the heart of a lion And a lifetime ban from the Oregon Zoo

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Guys, I’ve got the heart of a lion! And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

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My girlfriend thinks it's seductive to bite her lip.. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.

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My grandpa has got the heart of a lion and a life time ban from the zoo.

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I wonder if George Michael was a organ donor So he could really give his heart to someone special this Christmas.

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Steve Irwin lived the same way he died... With animals in his heart.

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New Heart Jokes

Did you know I had the heart of a lion? I also have a lifetime ban from Toronto Zoo

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I never considered myself to be sentimental, but after I got my pacemaker... I knew it would always have a place in my heart.

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Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack? Because it's assault.

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Having a heart attack is pretty bad But even worse if you’re playing charades.

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A man was having a heart attack at a bar When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

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Today I awoke with a song in my heart. Someone had hacked my pacemaker.

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I found out what is going on with Hawaii Someone stole the heart of Tafiti

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What's the most likely kind of attack to happen while Donald Trump is President of the United States of America? A heart attack.

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My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon

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I dated a kleptomaniac once She stole my heart, and my laptop.

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My Grandfather has the heart of a lion And a lifetime ban from my local zoo.

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A graphic designer has a heart attack I guess you could call it...

a stroke.

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Son: Dad, why is dinner so cold and bitter? Dad: Because your mother put her heart into it.

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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach That way the ribcage won't be an obstacle

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You could say I have the heart of a lion... I also have a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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How many keys are there to my heart? Less than three

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I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime distrust towards my heart surgeon.

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An old woman is visiting the doctor "Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.

"About 2 cm under the nipples." the doctor answers.

Headline of the newspaper on the next day:

"Woman tried to commit suicide. Shot herself in the knee instead."

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I have the heart of a lion And that is why I'm banned from all zoos within a 100 mile radius

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I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation. I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

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If a heart was caught committing a crime... Would it be a cardiac arrest?

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Any woman who thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach... is aiming about ten inches too high.

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I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen. He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way.

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Do you know the key to anyone's heart? A Scalpel.

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Two men are in the woods... One man completely drops dead, eyes completely white, and his heart stops, the other man freaks out, and calls 911, they say to "Make sure he is dead." A gunshot is heard and the man asks:

"Okay, what now?"

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Absence may make the heart grow fonder... But abstinence makes the dong grow harder.

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How do you kill vegan vampires? With a steak to the heart.

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Friends are like bras Close to heart and always for support

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I have the heart of a lion and the eye of a tiger. And also a lifetime ban from the zoo

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My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart. My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"

^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.

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The hospital told me I needed a cardiac transplant, and initially I agreed to it. But then I had a change of heart.

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My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from out local zoo.

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The three little words that make my heart race "Out for delivery"

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My father has a heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo

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My uncle has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

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I got caught smuggling insects I was anxious. My heart began to race and I had butterflies in my stomach.

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A few weeks ago, my emo friend told me his heart was hurting. So, I told him to cut it out. Haven't seen him for a while.

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Don't break anybody's heart Don't break anybody's heart; they only have 1. Break their bones; they have 206.

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Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon... Let them do it for you. It's their job.

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I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart. It turns out that's just a metaphor.

Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.

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My father had a weak heart and terrible claustrophobia. He died at home, surrounded by his family.

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I had good prospects and thought I'd found a girl with a heart of gold. But it didn't pan out because she was a common 'ore.

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My Grandfather My Grandfather is a really cool guy. He has a heart of a lion, and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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My dad has the heart of a lion And a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

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NASA just reported they have lost contact with Voyager 1 after it crashed into something in the dark abyss of space Apparently they found my ex's heart, which drains all energy.

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What do you call a covert assasination mission carried out by North Korea in another country? A heart attack

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Coding Jokes post coding jokes

I will <br> your heart

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My dad has suggested that I register to be an organ donor.... I guess he is a man after my own heart.

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How does Link from Legend of Zelda always die? Heart complications.

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My X-gf has a really big heart. I have to give her that. She needs it, to pump all the ice water around.

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At least George Micheal wasn't a liar. Last Christmas he gave us his heart.

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Never date an Aztec woman.. They will rip your heart out.

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My grandfather was telling me about his Purple Heart. I told him he should really see a doctor.

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I can't trust my heart or my brain to tell me who the next President will be But I can trust my Vegas bookie and will be talking to him in October

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Why do people with heart disease always lose at poker? They have to take ACE inhibitors.

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Steve Irwin died the way he lived: with animals in his heart

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My dad has the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

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Last night my friend Gavin overdosed on heart burn medicine...... I can't believe Gaviscon.

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What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other? A surgeon.

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Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack mainly because their hearts are already broken

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