Hilarious Home Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Home Jokes

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 20851

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Score: 16624

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Score: 16323

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.

Score: 16264

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?” “We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Score: 15909

Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..

Riceless

Score: 15884

I bought a dog from a blacksmith this morning... ...within 10 minutes of getting him home he made a bolt for the door.

Score: 13956

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids. But when I came back home, they were still there.

Score: 12385

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person

Score: 11171

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Score: 10857

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.” A tachyon walks into a bar.

Score: 10622

Score: 10241

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Score: 9663

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Score: 9322

I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

Score: 8816

I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away

Score: 8109

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore... Definitely time for a new keyboard.

Score: 8043

I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.

Score: 7786

I think my family is racist... when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

Score: 6407

Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

Score: 5103

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home." One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Score: 4668

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

Score: 3448

Bought a dog from a blacksmith today... Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

Score: 2912

Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the containers: Riceless

Edit: Just got back from incubating eggs to find out my brother now knows my username.Thank you.

Score: 2241

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian. Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

Score: 2115

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want kids. But when I got home they were still there.

Score: 2103

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home." *Boy throws bag at teacher* Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!

Score: 2019

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

Score: 1936

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid.

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

"No," slurs the mathematician...

“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Score: 1928

I have designed a website for orphans there isn't a home page

Score: 1821

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

Score: 1459

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

Score: 759

This morning I made my coffee using Red Bull instead of water... ...After 15 minutes on the highway I realized I left my car at home...

Score: 710

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work... ...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Score: 689

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

Score: 571

I bought a thesaurus at a store today. Brought it home to find all the pages were blank... I have no words to describe how angry I am

Score: 517

Sometimes i rub sand into my pubes Just so I can make my crabs feel at home.

Score: 471

I just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out all the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Score: 413

I bought 6 cans of Sprite from the shop today.. But when I got home I realised I'd picked 7up

Score: 407

New Home Jokes

Why are old men given Viagra in the nursing home? So they don't roll out of bed

Score: 266

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine... She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

Score: 204

Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Score: 118

England is like a father to me. Both don't come home.

Score: 170

What was the hardest thing for Louis CK when he had to leave his disrespectful kids home alone? Getting someone to watch his little jerks.

Score: 90

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night... "Golly!" the boy says, "It sure is scary out here!"

"You think you're scared!" the clown replies. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

Score: 90

A baby's laughter can be the most beautiful sound you will ever hear... Unless it's 3am

And you're home alone

And you don't have a baby...

Score: 88

A programmer's wife tells him to go to the store She says 'buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen."
He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

Score: 145

A guy goes to the doctor. A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Score: 162

I once mixed Red Bull and coffee After 20 minutes on highway I noticed that I forgot my car at home

Score: 270

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread. As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

Score: 139

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing things at his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there

Score: 398

What's the difference between E.T. and a refugee? E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

Score: 183

My ex is like the Mona Lisa It’s not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be overjoyed if I came home to find her hanging in the living room.

Score: 87

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Score: 220

What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe

Score: 182

How does a penguin build his home? Igloos it together.

Score: 108

Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.

Score: 87

Fish and chips I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Score: 187

Two blondes are going to Disney Land At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"

They went home crying.

Score: 346

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store... She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

Score: 121

My New Dog I bought a dog from a blacksmith today...

...As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

Score: 123

What's the best thing about going to Auschwitz? Plenty of seats on the train ride home.

Score: 113

Dad! Are you stealing? I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 179

What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home

Score: 96

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello." At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…

Score: 172

I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends panties, they're really starting to chaffe my thighs.

Score: 149

15 dollars for a rat trap, 3 dollars for cheese Coming home to find a house not full of droppings?. Miceless.

Score: 92

I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got home he made a bolt for the door.

Score: 233

I just bought a dog from the town blacksmith When I took it home, it made a bolt for the door.

Score: 104

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home? To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Score: 239

Once two girls asked me if I wanted a threesome. I told them that if I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I would just go home to my parents.

Score: 136

I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

Score: 173

What's the difference between a refugee and E.T.? E.T. could speak English and wanted to go home.

Score: 146

First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Score: 117

A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps. He was delighted.

Score: 289

The man entered his home and was absolutely delighted Someone had stolen every lamp in his home

Score: 230

What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.? E.T. learned English and went home.

Score: 273

I told a girl to text me when she got home She must be homeless, poor thing

Score: 209

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar.... Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

Score: 340

Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland. When they see a sign at an intersection.

"Disneyland left" ←

so they went back home.

Score: 217

On my way home from work saw a man texting while driving.. Knowing how dangerous this can be I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window and threw my beer at him.

Score: 208

Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night." The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

Score: 104

Video games let you live out your wildest fantasies. For example sims gives you the chance to have a stable job and own your own home

Score: 386

I was walking down the road and I saw this really hot homeless girl... So I asked her if I could take her home with me. She said yes and so I took her box to my house.

Score: 90

My GF just called & said "nobody's home come on over" I went over - nobody was home

Score: 126

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread. "Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

Score: 190

My girlfriends dad told me that he'll do to me whatever I do to her. So I said "I paid for dinner and drove her home".

Score: 146

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 274

My wife asked why I brought a gun home I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.

Score: 131

When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off The straps are killing me

Score: 220

What's the difference between an illegal immigrant and an alien? E.T. learned to speak English and wanted to go home.

Score: 89

Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse... They hit too close to home

Score: 151

Her: Come over, Joseph! Stalin: Can't, I'm sending people to gulag

Her: My parents aren't at home

Stalin: I know

Score: 100

What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants? E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

Score: 165

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Score: 198

Dad: Say daddy! Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!

Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: F*ck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a b*tch.

Score: 329

Why can't an orphan play baseball? Because he can't run home

Score: 153

An elderly lady calls her husband during his drive home, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5, Please be careful!"... Stanley said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

Score: 88

I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

Score: 228