Hilarious House Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest House Jokes

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.

Score: 23170

Score: 19936

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a thirty five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

Score: 14665

The pub is ten minutes from my house... However, my house is two hours from the pub...

Score: 10230

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house... I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

Score: 9082

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.

Score: 7594

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.

Score: 7125

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

Score: 7103

How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.

Score: 6731

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities. Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Score: 5197

Joke from my daughter Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

Score: 3843

What do a grenade and a woman have in common? You remove the ring and your whole house is gone

Score: 3371

A wife is yelling at her husband "Get out of the house! I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

The guy says: "So hang on a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 3085

Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.

Score: 2766

Huge Supermassive Endgame Spoiler Ok now that all the nerds are gone, I'm throwing an epic party at my house tomorrow and you're all invited!

Score: 2725

Wives are like grenades... Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!

Score: 2564

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Score: 2426

My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

Score: 2318

Give a man a jacket He'll be warm for the winter. Teach a man to jacket he won't leave the house.

Score: 2292

I was kicked out of the house for my bad impressions of Arnold Schwarzenegger. But that didn't faze me. As I left, I told 'em... "I'll be returning"

Score: 2149

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid. But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

Score: 2064

First thing Trump does as President... Is kick a Black man out of his house.

Score: 2053

Why didn't 4 enter the haunted house? Because it was 2 squared

Score: 1995

"Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

Score: 1846

How many divorced men does it take to change a light bulb? No one knows. They never get to keep the house.

Edit: Thanks for all the awesome comments. I can't keep up!

Score: 1749

You know, if I had a dollar for every time someone over fifty told me my generation sucks... Then I would be able to afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Score: 1673

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

Score: 1615

An insolent teenager stomps off to her room... Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

Score: 1546

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. "To fight the Decepticons," I said.

She laughed. I laughed.

The toaster laughed.

I shot the toaster.

Score: 1413

75% of men kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house. 90% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wives.

Score: 1359

"I'm going to punch your house until you come out and talk to me!" ~ Guy who invented 'knocking'.

Score: 1151

Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious

Score: 902

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Score: 791

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

Score: 673

I redid my entire house with mirrors... You could say it really reflects who I am.

Score: 637

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

Score: 571

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised. In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

Score: 518

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious… The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

Score: 467

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

Score: 464

Accidentally called 911 Set my house on fire to not look stupid.

Score: 430

New House Jokes

When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911. The police said it was the worst case of Domestic Violins they had ever seen.

Score: 43

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist

Score: 233

I don’t always kiss my wife goodbye when I leave the house... But I always kiss my house goodbye when I leave my wife!

Score: 420

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Score: 359

I’m dressing as the Republican healthcare bill for Halloween. I won’t be leaving the house.

(Heard this on the podcast “Fake the Nation” and thought you all would like it.)

Score: 124

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate. He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

Score: 63

I wish I had a home big enough for all the homeless people in my town. They wouldn't be allowed to come there. That's just how big I want my house to be.

Score: 42

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone.

Score: 420

Why are women like a Hurricane? They come at you all hot and wet and leave you without a house or car...

Score: 94

My love for you is like a candle. If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

Score: 68

A plumber fixes a damaged pipe in a doctor's house and asks for 200 dollars. Doctor says to him: "Even i, don't make so much money in such a short period and i'm a doctor". And the plumber goes: "I know sir. I used to be a doctor myself"

Score: 350

Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive... How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Score: 120

Just walked down a street where the house numbers were 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K & 1MB. Well, that was a trip down memory lane.

Score: 83

My marriage was a like a hurricane. At the beginning there was a lot of blowing, but in the end I lost my house.

Score: 399

Why are Hurricanes normally named after females? Because they arrive wet and wild then leave with your house and car.

Score: 48

Yo mama so ugly She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheque
Edit: not fixing the typo, deal with it.

Score: 142

I once stayed in a haunted house that played 70's music. At first I was afraid, I was petrified

Score: 90

I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Score: 124

My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill. They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

Score: 43

If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights... I'd be absolutely delighted

Score: 187

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house... it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

Score: 52

President Trump bumped into Mike Pence in a White House hallway this morning... Trump said "Pardon me."

Score: 99

My electricity bill was running suspiciously high Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

Score: 56

A lighthearted joke A man was absolutely delighted when he came home and saw that someone had stolen every lamp in the house.

Score: 62

An insolent teenager is having an argument with her father And as she storms off she shouts, "Oh and by the way, Jim Morrison SUCKS!"

The father looks back and responds, "Hey, there will be no slamming of The Doors in my house."

Score: 74

15 dollars for a rat trap, 3 dollars for cheese Coming home to find a house not full of droppings?. Miceless.

Score: 92

Thieves broke into my house last night looking for money... I quickly got up and started looking with em!

Score: 119

A girl calls her boyfriend and says... come over to my house, there's no one home. He goes to her house and there's no one home

Score: 75

I'm not saying it's hot in my house... ...but a hobbit just threw a ring through the front door.

Score: 40

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

Score: 379

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party, So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

Score: 344

What's the difference between a circus and a sorority house A circus is a cunning array of stunts

Score: 52

A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine

Score: 75

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie "My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

Score: 135

The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.

Score: 89

A wife asks her husband to sweep the house. After 5 minutes she walks in on him playing video games, "I thought I asked you to sweep the house"

"It's clean", he replies, "I didn't find any hostiles"

Score: 403

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Someone told her drinks were on the house.

Score: 127

Someone broke into my house and stole all the lamps. I was delighted.

Score: 103

You've got to be careful when getting your house exorcised If you can't afford the payments the priest will repossess your house

Score: 80

My girlfriend's parents are very religious The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

Score: 403

I was walking down the road and I saw this really hot homeless girl... So I asked her if I could take her home with me. She said yes and so I took her box to my house.

Score: 90

How many divorced men does it take to change lightbulb? Who cares? They never get the house.

Score: 54

My wife asked why I carried a gun around the house. I told her : Fear of CIA. She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon echo laughed.

I shot the echo.

Score: 205

Bilbo was surprised to wake one morning, and find that a Tesco had been built right next to his house It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area

Score: 51

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time. "Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" joked the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

Score: 47

My ex broke up with me My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away.

Score: 67

My girlfriends family is quite religious. I remember the first time i went to stay with her at parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame really because he's very attractive.

Score: 105

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I can take a look around, but they said "no" and slammed the door on me My parents can be real jerks sometimes.

Score: 334

If I had a dollar every time a baby boomer insulted me... I could afford a house in the economy they ruined

Score: 40

So a wife is yelling at her husband to get out of the house... "I hate you, I want a divorce! Get out!"

As he walks out the door she screams: "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"

Husband says: "So wait a minute, now you want me to stay?"

Score: 380

I live with my wife in a two story house... "I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...

Score: 115

I've always wanted my dad to be proud of me... It finally happened today. I started serving at a steak house and my parents came in to see me at work. When I asked my dad how he wanted his steak, he said "Well done, son".

Score: 93

When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together. Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.

Score: 88

How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.

Score: 280

What does an Indian kid say before leaving his house for the day?.. Mumbai

Score: 62

A programmer goes on a walk A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

Score: 224

A thief broke into my house, looking for money I got up and did the same thing.

Score: 43

If Donald Trump replaces Barack Obama in the White House Does that mean that orange is the new black?

Score: 70

Study reveals 20% of men kiss wife goodbye when they leave the house. 80% of men kiss house goodbye when they leave their wife. Conclusion. Want to keep your house, start kissing your wife.

Score: 138

My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

Score: 47