Husband Jokes

A husband and wife have a tif. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

A wife begins to question the faith of her husband. Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"

Husband: "You're Both."

Wife: "What do you mean?"

Husband: "You're pretty ugly."

A wife was dreaming... Suddenly she wakes up and yells "Quick get out my husband's home!" her husband hurriedly wakes up and jumps out the window.

A husband buys a dozen of panties of the same colour for his wife. His wife protests: " Why the same colour, people will think i don't change my panties."

Husband asks" which people?

A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"

A wife sends her programmer husband to the store for bread. As he's leaving, she says, "if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 loaves of bread

Wife: "Would you like dinner?" Husband: "What are my choices?"
Wife: "Yes or No"

Husband: "I'm getting you diamonds for our anniversary" - Wife: "Nothing would please me more" Husband: *Gets her nothing instead*

A nude woman is standing in front of her mirror She says to her husband,

"I feel horrible, I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment."

The husband : "your eyesight is perfect."

A wife says to her husband... "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry. Husband : Yes…so ?


Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?


Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

A bus full of wives going on a picnic fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...

"My wife missed the bus!!"

Can't get pregnant Stacy: I have to be very careful, i just can't get pregnant now.

Tiffany: Didn't your husband get a vasectomy?

Stacy: Exactly!

Edit: a word

Women is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judges says, "First Offender?" She says, "No, First a Gibson, then a Fender."

My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.

A man calls the hospital and yells that her wife is in labour... The nurse tells him to calm down and asks "Is this her first child?" to which the man replies "NO THIS IS HER HUSBAND!"

Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?" Husband: "Right"

An old woman drinks whisky for the first time. She thinks for a while, and then says: “Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!”

I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes... because he left when I was 2.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband... Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

My friend said her husband has erectile dysfunction Me: "Well, I guess your husband has thrust issues."


I'll see myself out.

jobs Woman: I don't think I will ever be working there again after what my boss said to me!

Husband: What did he say to you?

Woman: You're Fired

A woman called her husband about what she had seen on the news. She says, "Watch out honey! There's a madman driving on the wrong side of the highway."
The husband replies, "One? There are hundreds of them!"

A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!" The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"

Husband: our wedding video

A man told his wife that he dreamt of a beautiful woman... His wife asks: "Was she alone in your dream?"

"Yes, she was. How did you know?" - The husband replies

The wife says: "Because her husband was in my dream"

Who's guilty here? A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

Not Tonight Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"

He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."

She says, "I don't have a headache."

To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"

Wife: Can my husband come in with me? Wife: Can my husband come in with me?


Doctor: Don't worry I'm a respected doctor.


Wife: But my husband isn't, and he's staying out there alone with your secretary.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

My husband and I like to role play in bed... He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!" He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

A man and woman go to marriage counseling Therapist: So you're considering ending the marriage?



Wife: I am sick of all the Star Wars puns.



Husband: Divorce is strong with this one.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Wife: "I have blisters on my hands.." Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."

Husband: "Next time take the car, silly."

A husband asks his wife: If I died, would you marry again? A husband asks his wife:
-
If I died, would you marry again?
-
Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
-
No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.

A wife calls her husband driving to work and says, "Honey be careful. There's a maniac driving on the wrong side of the road on the highway."


He responds, "One maniac? There are hundreds of them."

A woman is looking at herself in the mirror "Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."

Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact."

2 year old son spits on the floor. Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

"I look fat..." ...said a woman to her husband. "Please give me a compliment."

"Honey," he said, "Your eyesight is perfect."

A wife complains..... A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”
 
  The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!

Guitar joke A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

A cockroach's last words to a husband: "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."

I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"

"A billionaire."

Husband: "I have good news and bad news" Wife: "Tell me the bad news first."

Husband: "The washing machine broke."

Wife: "And the good news?"

Husband: "The dogs are clean."

A husband was checking his weight on the scale and started sucking his gut in when his wife says "you know that doesn't change anything, right?" He replies "It does too!" "Now I can see the numbers..."

A couple was having a conversation, when... ...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

Wife was in ICU Doctor: She is in a coma.

Husband: Please save her. She's just 30.

*Just then, ECG starts beeping. Fingers move. Her lips mumbled...

And she spoke:
I'm 29

A guy is having a beer with his wife says: You are my dream, my angel, my love. I don't know what I would do without you. I love you.
The wife says 'is that you talking or is it the beer'?
Husband says: It's me talking to the beer.

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns

Husband: Divorce is strong in this one

A police officer called the station on his radio... "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"



"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

A husband and wife are sitting in a bar. They see a man downing beer across the room.

The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."

The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"

What do you call a woman who always knows where her husband is? A widow.

Husband has 6 months to live Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

My husband and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.

A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

An elderly lady calls her husband during his drive home, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5, Please be careful!"... Stanley said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"