Jealous Jokes

Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous

My wife asked me how I was going to feel when our son started dating... Apparently jealous was not the right answer.

I heard they found water on Mars... I bet California is pretty jealous.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There’s always a cashier checking me out.

Wars would be obsolete if women ruled the world There would just be a bunch of jealous countries who do not talk to eachother.

A cockroach's last words to a husband: "Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous I will make your wife scream more than you do when I climb her."

Why was the trombone player jealous of his computer's RAM? It has more gigs than he does.

I'm jealous of agriculture majors who become farmers... Because they always find a job in their field.

My doctor said that I should stop mixing coffee and redbull He’s just jealous that I can lock a drawer and still have time to throw the key inside

I told my GF that I'm jealous of her V-J. She shows me NO pity, though. She just rubs it in my face

All of my friends are jealous when they find out I hooked up with my math teacher in high school But honestly, being homeschooled sucked.

Why is Batman jealous of Superman? Superman got adopted.

Why was purple jealous? Because red blue green.

Why are 1 and 3 jealous of 2? Because it's Tuesday.

What's the best part about banging your cousin? It makes your sister jealous

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver.. Counselor: So,you're jealous?


John: No,im just wondering?


Counselor: Wondering about what?


John: We dont have a car.

I don't understand why everyone keeps calling me a narcissist They're probably just jealous because I'm better than them.

Two school girls are arguing, one preppy the other nerdy The preppy girl says, “you’re just jealous because I’m a 10 and you’re not!”
The nerdy girl responds, “Yeah you’re a 10! On the pH scale, because you’re so BASIC!”

What do you call a jealous container? An envylope.

"How many men have you slept with?" A jealous husband asks his wife.

"Only you," she replies.

"Good."

"All the others were awake."

do you ever think lemons get jealous? Of the limelight?

I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr. Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

My wife is upset and jealous about the one night stand I had. We are going to go out and buy one for her side of the bed today.

My wife is an angel. All my friends are jealous because their wives are still alive.

Researchers in Texas have cured diabetes in mice without side effects. I bet the scientist that are trying to cure diabetes in humans are so jealous right now.

You're the only person to be jealous of Two-Face Because at least half his face is normal

I'm jealous of Santa... ...he can yell "hoe hoe hoe" at anyone and get away with it.

I'm jealous of the people who first invested in elevators They really got in on the ground floor.

A man was going to kill a cockroach Man: Any last words?
Cockroach: You're just jealous of me.
Man: Why would I be jealous of you?!
Cockroach: Because I can make your wife scream louder than you can!

What do Eric Clapton and Donald Trump have in common? They were both jealous of the size of a black man's crowd.

A cockroach's last word to Andrew 'Go ahead, kill me coward. You are just jealous i make your wife scream more than you do when i climb her'

Our ancestors would be so jealous of modern dryers’ lint traps They had to get by on whatever they could capture in their belly buttons

Everyone's just jealous of Kim Jong Un At least the guy has a Korea.

I'm jealous of my grandmother with Alzheimer's. She's always surrounded by people she doesn't even know who care so much about her.

What do you call someone who's jealous of the pictures on your Instagram? Graham Greene

Why is Uranus jealous of Jupiter? Because when it comes to moons- Jupiter has 69.

What do you call a Jealous Mexican? A Green Bean.

Jealous girlfriend My girlfriend's jealousy is getting worst by the day..The other day she flew into a rage while looking at my calendar and demanded to know who April and May were.