Hilarious Jews Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Jews Jokes

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Why do Jews get circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

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Judaism is a lot like the pH scale. On one side of the spectrum there are basic Jews, and on the other side, Hasidic.

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The Jews may be the "Chosen People"... ... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

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Who led the Jews through a semi permeable membrane? Osmoses

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I'm starting to think this country really is run by Jews But it's still only my first week in Israel.

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How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll sit in the dark and blame the Jews

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"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?" "Because its a gas planet son"

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Why do jews get their penises circumcised? Because Jewish girls won't touch anything that's not 10% off

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Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane? Osmoses

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What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry gets to take the train back.

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When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot

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If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter? Because it's a gas planet.

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What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? The way they traveled through the chimney.

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What do you call gingers in Auschwitz? Concentrated Orange Jews

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Who had it worse than the Jews in 1941? The Jews in 1942.

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Hitler walked in to a bar... The bartenders says "whoa, hitler I thought you were dead"

Hitler says "no, just hiding. I'm planning to kill the rest of the Jews and 5 clowns"

The bartender asks "why the clowns?"

Hitler says "see no one cares about Jews"

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I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal. Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

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What's the difference between Santa Claus and the Jews? Santa goes *down* the chimney.

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What do Jews throw when they riot? Mozeltov Cocktails

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[Offensive] What do you get when you cross a bowl of fruit and the holocaust? Orange Jews from concentrate

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What’s the difference between an orange and the Torah? One can make acidic juice and the other can make Hasidic Jews

(Just made this up today)

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What the difference between jews and harry potter Harry got out of the chamber alive

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What was Hitler's favorite drink? Orange jews, 100% concentrated

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Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek? Dad: Cause it's the future son

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What was Adolf Hitler's campaign slogan? *"Auschwitz the old, in with the Jews!"*

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My son thinks the land of the Jews is fake. I told him it Israel.

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Why do Jews get circumcised ? Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it's 10% off

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I always feel bad for the kids in africa when I waste water.. And when I leave the oven on, I feel bad for the jews.

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Hitler was talking to one of his generals, Hitler: I want to kill 6 million jews and 5 clowns.

General: Why the 5 clowns?

Hitler: See? Nobody cares about ze jews!

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I met a conspiracy theorist in Israel the other day. He kept ranting about Jews secretly not controlling the government.

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Why are black jews the worst off race? They have to sit at the back of the oven.

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What do the colors in the German flag stand for? Black: cars

Red: sausages

Yellow: beer

Blue: jews

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I ran into Hitler!!! I was surprised to see him and asked him what he was up to? He said "This time I am going to kill 6 million Jews and two clowns!"
"Two Clowns? Why are you going to kill two clowns?"
"See? Nobody cares about zee Jews."

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Did You Know Hitler Was Good At Insulting People He at one point Roasted 6 Million Jews

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Why are no jews on Jupiter. Cause it is a gas planet.

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Why don't Jews do drugs? because last time they got baked it didn't go so well

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What did the Jews rate their stay at Auschwitz? One star.

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My time machine landed right in the middle of Hitler's living room I thought to myself, now's my chance to make the world a better place

"Please sir," I pleaded, "Don't gas the Jews."

"Gas the Jews?" Hitler replied, "Hmm, I hadn't thought of that."

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Why did jews play football? To get the quarterback!

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New Jews Jokes

On Easter, the Jews of the world... ...decorate the chickens

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I want to find someone to blame for Easter and all the stores being closed So I tried blaming Christians but no, it wasn't right

Then the Romans, but I think I am being judgemental

Then I read about the Jews and it pretty much nailed it.

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What do Jews and hotdogs have in common The both go well with mustard

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A joke about Hitler. (Offensive? Probably). So Hitler is a nice guy He just took the Jews on the Holocoaster

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Hitler needed to watch his weight So he tried a Jews cleanse

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A large group of Jews got onto a train They never got off

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What do Jews and guns both have in common? They always go to temple.

(My friends drunk joke, we're both Jews so don't hate)

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What do you call a button which makes Jews feel pain? An ow switch

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New research says Hitler didn't really want to kill the Jews. He just wanted America's support to pit them against the Palestinians.

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They say there's a safety in numbers Tell that to the 6 million jews

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Jokes about jews aren't funny. Anne frankly they are quite offensive.

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You know what my favorite kinds of jews are? Orange jews, apple jews, tomato jews...

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What do you call a family of jewish people who grow apples Apple Jews

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What's the difference between Santa and the Jews? Santa leaves presents behind before he goes out the chimney

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Two Jews walk into a bar.... mitzvah.

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Hey dad, why are they no jews on jupiter? Because its a gas planet son

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I saw Trump's Twitter video wishing the Jews a happy holiday As a Democrat I want to make fun of Trump. As a Jew I want to make fun of myself that Trump's Twitter had to be the one to tell me my people's holiday was today. True story

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What do you call a Jew in a compressor? Jews

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There are types of people I despise... Racists, Hypocrites and Jews

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What's the difference between jews and scouts? Scouts come back from the camp.

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Why do Jews make the best doctors? Because if they give you six months to live and you can't afford to pay your medical bills before then they'll give you another six months.

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Jews are the worst Christians Except for one. One became the best.

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What is Hitler's most hated drink? Jews

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How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None! They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

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I was reading about these Hasidic folks from Lakewood, NJ getting arrested for welfare fraud and I thought to myself, "They really give Jews bad names" I mean, really. Zalmen? Shimy? Yocheved?

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The Jews run everything - the government, the media, the banks... Israel is an interesting place.

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Why do Jews have large noses? Because Air Is Free.

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How do you get 2 Jews to fight? Throw a penny between them.

How do you get 2 Catholic priests to fight?

Do the same thing but this time with a small boy.

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Which state contains the most Jews? Gaseous state.

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What do you call Israel's soldiers? G.I. Jews

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I could never date a jewish woman Because i believe the jews have suffered enough

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Two old Jews were sitting on a park bench... ...one of them says, "Abie, I heard about the fire at your warehouse, I'm so sorry."

Abie says "Shhh...it's tomorrow."

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Why don't Jews believe in the New Testament? Because they won't buy a book unless it's 50% off.

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How was the first copper wire made? Two Jews found the same penny

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"Safety in numbers" Tell that to six million jews

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2 Jews walk into a bar... mitzvah

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My hebrew friend has let me down several times, so I am no longer friends with him Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on jews.

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What do you call a train that carries Jews? A Jew-Jew train.

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Man, black Jews must've had it rough... They had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.

(I'm so sorry)

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What's the difference between Jews and the GOP? Jews always pass the bill.

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I would make a joke about the jews... But I'm not one for cheap humor.

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I hear jews don't use weed I guess they don't like getting baked.

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The Holocaust really proved one thing... It's the *Jews* who are the master race

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Where's the highest density of Jews in the world right now? In the stratosphere.

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TIL How Copper Wire Was First Invented Two Jews saw the same penny.

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What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry Potter rode the train back.

I'm not apologizing.

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How do jews celebrate Christmas? By installing a parking meter on the roof.

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How do you fit 6 million Jews into a car? Send them to clown school.

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The Holocaust would be very different if it happened today and was orchestrated by the Italians The Jews would have gotten a one-way ticket to Flavortown just so Guy Fierri could show them that they don’t even know what “money” is.

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How many Jews can you fit in a car? Two in the front ,two in the back, one in the boot and fifty in the ashtray.

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What does Hitler drink each morning? Some Jews

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(very dark) what's the difference between jews and boy scouts? the boy scouts return home from the camp

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Jewish Pun What did Hitler say when the Jews got away?

Aushwitz, they got away!

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The jews rated their trips to Auschwitz... they all gave it one star.

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The Holocaust Wasn't That Bad "The holocaust wasn't that bad."

"Of course it was!"

"I'm going to go out and kill a million Jews and one clown."

"Why the clown?"

"See, no one cares about the Jews."

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Hitler had a half-deaf secretary..... Hitler is fuming furious one day, he called his half-deaf secretary to his office after recieving some news. He yells, "Glass of juice, not gas the jews!"

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(Warning: Dark Humor) Worm in the Apple A: Whats's worse than a worm in the apple?

B: The Holocaust.

A: What's worse than the Holocaust?

B: 5 Million Jews.

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Two Jews are eating in a cafe... One looks up at the other and says "this hummus Israeli good"

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What is the difference between a white Jew and a black Jew? [Racist Joke Warning] Black Jews sit in the back of the oven.

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What does Kansas and jews have in common Dust in the wind

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