Hilarious Just Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Just Jokes

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

Score: 35246

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.

Score: 28934

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

Score: 24914

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Score: 24660

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Whoops, wrong sub

Score: 22839

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

Score: 22119

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Score: 21887

My wife left me because I’m insecure and paranoid. Edit: Nevermind. She was just getting the mail.

Score: 21609

The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?” I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.

I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.

Score: 20888

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 20851

My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Score: 19494

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Score: 18854

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Score: 18591

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 17941

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

Score: 17386

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

Score: 16648

Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls? They love anything that's 15% off

Just a joke lol

Score: 16449

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

Score: 16352

I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

Score: 16297

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation. This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

Score: 16164

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

Score: 16129

I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.

Score: 15394

I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Score: 15059

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.

Score: 15004

My brother who has a stutter is in prison. It’s just heartbreaking knowing he will never finish his sentence.

Score: 14851

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Score: 14813

Republicans are the true snowflakes... they're white, they're cold, and if you put enough of em together they'll shut down public schools

EDIT* Thanks for the gold! You popped my gold cherry!

its a joke folks. just a joke.

Score: 14726

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there? Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

Score: 14109

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waste.

Score: 14064

Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence

Edit: I fell asleep after posting this and woke up seeing it on the front page, thanks guys!

Score: 13945

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row… They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Score: 13034

If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because... 4:22 is 4:20 too.

Score: 12453

My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.

Score: 11841

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."

"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."

"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

Score: 11811

Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, "This money's just going to get spent on booze or drugs." That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.

Score: 11486

"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?"

"Yes."

Score: 11405

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Score: 10857

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Score: 10775

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.” So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

Score: 10627

I just found out I'm colorblind The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Score: 10323

New Just Jokes

I removed the shell from my racing snail to make it go faster but it just made it more sluggish.

Score: 1314

I just want to thank student loan for letting me get through college I don't think i can ever repay you

Score: 2233

Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield? She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.

Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.

Score: 6474

Scaring men is easy I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is..

Score: 2069

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Score: 1261

I just joined a gym for religious minorities. Jehova's Fitness

Score: 1466

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home." One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Score: 4668

What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband's voice just right

Score: 9617

Just another dad joke WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 3229

I asked a prostitute "How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

Score: 2654

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision I can just see it now.

Score: 2093

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

Score: 1558

The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory - just one byte.

Everything crashed.

Score: 2219

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

Score: 2760

Dating is a lot like fishing... Sure there is plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, I am just stuck here holding my rod.

Score: 8818

If someone calls you a nobody, just remember Nobody's perfect.

Score: 1305

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

Score: 3071

Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year? Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it.

Score: 3825

This idiot on the treadmill at the gym. Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.

Score: 2019

Just found out the local barber has been arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 15 years and I didn't even know he cut hair.

Score: 4312

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters? They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

Score: 1972

I know every single digit of pi! Just not in the right order

Score: 1903

Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.

Score: 2722

A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Score: 2517

Kid 1: "Hey I bet you're still a virgin " Kid 2: "Yeah I was a virgin until last night"

Kid 1: "As if"

Kid 2: "Yeah just ask your sister"

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister"

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months"

Score: 1448

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 6086

A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:

"Name?"

"Hans Kleiner"

"Age?"

"31"

"Occupation?"

"No no, just visiting"

Score: 2347

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Score: 9322

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Score: 2124

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

Score: 1502

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

Score: 1916

My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye." I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.

Score: 8090

I just read through six pages in a dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

Score: 4758

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Score: 3084

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure... Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

Score: 2385

Have you ever played quiet tennis? It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

Score: 2034

Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'

Score: 1340

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Score: 2135

A girl says to her mom, "I want a Barbie and a GI Joe". Mom says, "Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?"

And the girl replies, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She just fakes it with Ken."

Score: 1757

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

Score: 4529

My wife gave me some bad news today "But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

Score: 1759

Just got a bike for my wife. It was a good trade.

Score: 1336

The last four letters in "queue" are not silent They're just waiting their turn

Score: 3568

I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

Score: 10068

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway! The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Score: 1967

The oldest computer... The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve.

Yes, it was an Apple.

But with an extremely limited memory.

Just one byte.

Then everything crashed.

Score: 8125

I know every single digit of pi! I just don't have them in the right order.

Score: 10168

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Score: 5938

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly... She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

Score: 2249

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

Score: 2335

I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.

Score: 5690

I just read Trump's book "The Art of the Deal" It had four Chapter 11's.

Score: 1593

A Muslim walks into the U.S Just kidding

Score: 2005

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

Score: 1962

A man cheats with his wife's sister Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

Score: 1822

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

Score: 3827

I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...

Score: 1444

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

EDIT: I know this is a repost but what do you expect? This is /r/jokes

Score: 1429

I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs.

Score: 2549