Hilarious Knife Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Knife Jokes

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

Score: 18774

2 blind guys were about to fight I shouted: I bet the one with the knife wins!
Both started running away.

Score: 11732

How do you break up two blind guys fighting? Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”

Score: 10529

I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

EDIT: Thanks guys, you blew up my inbox again. At least this time I know how to disable inbox replies.

Score: 6865

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo. All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

Score: 5956

I was on a blind date with this girl... And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

Score: 4004

I was walking down the street with a friend and we saw two blind guys fighting We got closer and I said "My bet is on the one with the knife."
They both ran

Score: 2913

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

Score: 2195

Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.

Score: 2108

I saw two blind men fighting And I yelled out "I'm rooting for the one with the knife"

Then they both ran away

Score: 1665

Score: 1611

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging few year ago. Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.

Score: 1303

Today, I saw 2 blind people fighting Then I shouted: "I'm supporting the one with the knife", they both ran away.

Score: 1041

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy. Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

Score: 920

A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

Score: 869

Inventor displays the first knife ever. His friend, "that's the greatest invention since bread"
Inventor, "well I'm about to blow your mind"

Score: 743

What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife... The knife has a point.

Score: 635

I've decided to start carrying a knife. After an attempted mugging last week I've decided to start carrying a knife. Since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.

Score: 634

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns Go for the juggler

Score: 613

I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo. The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.

Score: 527

What is the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend? The knife has a point.

Score: 468

When I see.... ...lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Score: 458

“Do you really have to lick the knife!?” she asked with a disapproving frown. “Whoops! Sorry! Force of habit.” I said, chuckling. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?!” “Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Score: 456

I used my knife to conserve ammo... the rest of the paintball tournament were horrified

Score: 453

When I see lovers' nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

Score: 453

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked frowning. “Sorry, force of habit!” I chuckled. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?” “Yes, but not during surgery, doctor.”

Score: 442

I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day... .. and I yelled "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"

Both of them ran away.

Score: 438

Out on a blind date. I told her, being funny is the 2nd best way to get a girl into bed. She said "What's the best way?" I said "A big knife" She laughed and said "You're funny" I said "wise choice"

Score: 433

I started carrying a knife after a failed mugging attempt last year... All my attempts have been pretty successful this year.

Score: 432

What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife? The knife has a point.

Score: 428

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300. You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

Score: 337

What's the difference between arguing with a knife and arguing with your girlfriend? The knife has a point.

Score: 286

An inventor shows his friend the first knife ever. His friend says, “Wow! That’s the best thing since bread.”

The inventor says, “Well, I’m about to blow your mind.”

Score: 254

*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

Score: 205

I got banned from laser tag today.... I guess they didn't like it when i used a knife to save ammo.

Score: 180

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree.. When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Score: 138

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting" then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

Score: 121

Today I donated my watch, my phone and $500 to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

Score: 96

Today I donated a watch... Today I donated a watch and $500 dollars to a poor guy. You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put back his knife in his pocket.

Score: 86

I begin to carry a knife since a robbery attempt a few years ago Since them, is being a lot easier to rob people

Score: 53

New Knife Jokes

A man broke into my house with a Knife and a gun But I wasn’t scared Becuase if he stole anything it would be illegal

Score: 0

My grand mother is living clickbait My GM: Do you want to see a trick
Me: Yes
My GM: Lay an orange on a plate. Take a sharp knife. Give this a try, you will be telling your friends about it.

Score: 0

What do you call it when someone kills someone with a 1000 degree knife? 1000th degree murder

Score: 0

What is the definition of am atavist? A man who brings an atlatl to a knife fight.

Score: 1

Parenting is sometimes like being a criminal For instance when I'm in the kitchen and yell "Stay back! I have a knife"

Score: 2

My girlfriend introduced me to her father and mentioned I was a knife salesman He said he’s happy she’s dating me because I must be pretty sharp.

Score: 4

Meet the Utensil Family Baby spoon, father knife and mother forker.

(Be easy, came up with this when drunk)

Score: 2

Did you hear about Reese whatever-her-name-is stabbing herself? Person 2: Witherspoon?

Me: No with a knife silly.

Score: 3

What's the difference between a woman and a knife? A knife has a point...

Score: 3

My snarky boss nicked his thumb with a knife and missed two days of work. I need your help with puns or cutting remarks.

Score: 1

I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend But it just won't cut it.

Score: 8

What is the difference between a Dentist and Brain Surgeon? A slip of the knife.

Score: 10

I saw 2 blind men fighting... And said,"My bet's on the one with the knife."

Then they both ran away.

Score: 15

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.... Pointing a knife at me.... He asked me "your money or your life!"....

I told him I was married.... So, I have no money and no life....

We hugged and cried together
It was a beautiful moment....
😁😀😃

Score: 7

If you ever get into an argument with a girl and she pulls a knife, Pull out ham, bread, and mayo. Instincts will kick in and she will make you a sandwich.

Score: 11

I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"

I told him I was married so I have no money & no life

We hugged & cried together...

It was a beautiful moment

Score: 31

So I was robbed last night... So I was robbed last night. The guy pointed his knife at me and said “your money or your life”

I told him I was married, so I have no money and no life.

We hugged and cried, it was a beautiful moment 🤗

Score: 3

What do you call a meat knife? A protein shank.

Score: 4

I started carrying a knife with me after an attempted mugging a few years ago. The muggings have been working out a lot better now.

Score: 7

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago Since then, my mugging attempts have much more successful

Score: 19

So today I gave my watch, my phone and $500 to a homeless guy I was so happy when he put his knife back into his pocket.

Score: 5

"Did you hear about that actress who killed her self?" "Did you hear about that actress who killed herself? Her name was Reese something-or-other... I don't remember."

"Witherspoon?"

"No, no... with her knife."

--

A joke my 5th grade teacher told me years ago

Score: 10

A blonde was walking down a shady alley, when all of a sudden a mugger jumps out from behind cover and says "I have a knife, give me all your money!" She screamed and yelled "Don't shoot!"

Score: 3

What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick knife

Score: 2

Spreading girls's legs is alot like spreading butter You can do it with a credit card, but it's much easier with a knife

Score: 5

What is the difference between a woman and a knife during an argument? A knife has a point.

Score: 28

"Hey, some actress named Reese tried to kill herself last night." "Witherspoon?"

"No. With a knife."

Score: 2

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago Since then, my mugging attempts have been more successful

Score: 27

Is that a Ginsu knife in your pocket... ...or are you just happy to sashimi?

Score: 1

[really stupid] A prostitute pulled a knife on me... ET TU FLOOZAY!?!?!

Score: 3

Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have a knife. Get in the van.

Score: 9

What's the difference between a knife and a woman? A knife has a point.

Score: 3

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet at all. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Score: 33

Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy You don't know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket

Score: 1

I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife... I just didn't cut the mustard.

Score: 4

When you use a knife, you press with the same force but at a much higher pressure. That's kinda the point.

Score: 5

Did you hear the one about the defective knife? He couldn't cut it.

Score: 2

What do you call a reptile wearing a hoodie and holding a knife? An alleygator.

Score: 13

When I see lovers' names carved into a tree I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Score: 7

I saw two names carved in a tree... I do not think its cute. On the contrary, its alarming how many people take a knife on a date.

Score: 11

"Ain't" is like a Swiss Army knife It's got a lot of uses but you can't use it in school.

Score: 3

I know Mexican judo Judo know if I have a knife.
Judo know if I have a gun.

Score: 48

When I see lover's names on a tree, I don't think it's sweet… … I think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Score: 17

Did you hear about that Reese lady? Guy 1: Hey, did you here about that celebrity that stabbed some poor guy to death? What was her name, Reese... Reese Wither... Wither...

Guy 2: Witherspoon?

Guy 1: No, with her knife.

Classic that I haven't seen for awhile

Score: 3

When people tell me I'm a nerd for being good at math... ...I simply tell them that I'll add a knife to my hand, divide all their blood vessels, and subtract them from this world.

Score: 3

Bring a Knife on a Date! When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Score: 2

What does mime use to cut to cut bread? A charaded knife.

Score: 3