Hilarious Late Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Late Jokes

Score: 16198

The saying “say no to drugs” has always made me laugh. I mean, if you’re talking to them, it is probably to late to say no to them.

Score: 10834

What do you call a 60-year old whose puberty just started? A late boomer

Score: 4029

My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third. At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

Score: 2451

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush. I also pull out way to late.

Score: 2016

I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.

Score: 1627

How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? When this gets 500 upvotes, I'll tell you the answer.

EDIT: Slightly late, but:

10: one to change it, one to post about it for karma and eight to repost it a few months later.

Score: 1385

Electrician gets home late... Electrician didn't get home until after 2am. His wife asked "Wire you insulate?" He replied, "Watts it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?"

Score: 1223

fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting

Score: 1152

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

Score: 931

Fight Club was awesome! Hey guys so I found this Fight Club last night and had a blast! I showed up a little late so I missed some of the rules but I highly recommend it!

Score: 856

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

Score: 850

What do you give a cannibal that shows up late to dinner? A cold shoulder.

Score: 813

"Say NO to drugs" they say... I mean, if you're talking to drugs then it's already too late to say NO.

Score: 770

Was late to my first Fight Club last night So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.

Score: 724

A man stayed late at the pub after work when he got a call from his wife Wife: "I've cooked your dinner and if you're not back in 10 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog!"

Man: "Hey, it's not his fault!"

Score: 647

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

Score: 606

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

Score: 562

Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

Score: 531

A man wanders back home at 3:00 am. His wife: You are late.You said you would be home by 11:45 pm.

Man:(Casually) I said i would be home by a quarter of 12.

Score: 387

I'll never forget the words of my late Grandfather... "Sorry I'm late."

Score: 375

One time last year when I was in Baltimore out late, I got jumped by three big black guys. They were real nice, car started right up with no problems.

Score: 360

My boss asked me why I've already been late three times this week I told him because it's only Wednesday

Score: 325

A cannibal showed up late to the luncheon His friends gave him the cold shoulder.

Score: 298

My period is late .

Score: 284

I was so late to the cannibal banquet They just gave me a cold shoulder

Score: 275

The owner of the local strip club has a lisp. I tried to go late last night, but they were clothed.

Score: 252

Why was the math teacher late for school? He took the rhombus

Score: 244

A joke my late grandfather told me... Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.

Score: 233

I’ll never forget the words of my late grandfather. “Sorry, I’m late again.”

Score: 224

A man lost $100 bill Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Score: 181

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy. "You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

Score: 157

I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything. I called him 9/12

Score: 152

What happened when the cannibal was late for lunch? He was given the cold shoulder.

Score: 137

An asian asks for help at an airport... Asian: "why is my plane late? It said it would be here at 6:30."

Airplane help guy: "fluctuations."

Asian: "fluck you americans too."

Score: 105

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

"Drunk again?!" she asks.

He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

Score: 104

My husband is like the New York subway... He makes me angry, frustrated, and late for work but I still can't help but ride him every day.

Score: 96

I went to my first Fight Club last week. I was unfortunately late to it and so I missed the rules. But I had a great time at Fight Club, and I would strongly recommend Fight Club to everyone.

Score: 91

Don't show up late for a cannibal's dinner party... You'll get the cold shoulder

Score: 89

Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation. Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."

Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."

Score: 85

New Late Jokes

Little Johnny was running behind for his weekly trip to the prostitute When he got there, she said

"Eh Jack! You late!"

Score: 10

I went to first time Fight Club meeting last night. Unfortunately I arrived 15 minutes late, so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone

Score: 26

I was late to my own circumcision. Some guy cut me off.

Score: 27

My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week I replied "because it's only Thursday"

Score: 30

Why did the skeleton show up late to prom? He was boning someone.

Score: 5

Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building? So the people coming in late don’t run into into the people going home early.

Score: 5

What do you call a kid with Down Syndrome who's late to school? Retardy

Score: 7

My boss asked why I was already late twice this week "Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

Score: 21

The Bison. My son and I were hiking one day when a bison charged towards him as he was taking a leak. I shouted “Bison” but it was already too late and he died. My wife tried to console me and said “Atleast you were able to say goodbye”.

Score: 8

A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy. The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"

and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."

Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

Score: 5

A message from my late father... "Caught in traffic. Running behind."

Score: 11

I still remember the words of my late father... "Hey, son, sorry I'm late."

Score: 10

A guy shows up late for work The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why, what happened at 8:30?"

Score: 26

Why was the pig late turning in his college essay? His printer was out of oink.

Score: 6

What does a dyslexic atheist with insomnia do with their time? They stay up late at night wondering if there is a Dog.

Score: 25

Just got back from fight club. I really enjoyed it! I was late though so I missed the rules. I'm sure they weren't important though.

Score: 27

A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

Score: 10

A guy shows up late to work. The boss yells, 'You should have been here at 8:30!' The guy asks, 'Why? What happened at 8:30?'

Score: 38

A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk... Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"

The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"

Score: 20

Say no to drugs! Or say yes to drugs. If you're talking to drugs, it's already too late.

Score: 18

Old joke (1930s) - Little kid comes in late to school. Teacher says, "Why ya late?"... Kid says, "Had a take a heifer down—get 'er bred."

Teacher says, "Couldn't your father do it?"

Kid says, "Sure he could, but not as good as the bull."

Score: 13

My late grandmother's star sign was Cancer, which is ironic... She got killed by a giant crab.

Score: 17

Do you know what it means to come home late and being embraced, kissed and loved? It means you're in the wrong apartment.

Score: 30

Why was the broom late to school? Because it over swept.

Score: 8

My girlfriend told me she'd slept with seven people before we met. I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.

Score: 83

The Bishop was late for service One day, the Bishop was late for church service.
He said it was traffic, but I don't think he went straight there.

He probably went diagonally.

Score: 9

Why don't dolphins make mistakes? They do everything on porpoise.

I thought of this myself, but I'm probably late to the punch.

Score: 43

An old woman drinks whisky for the first time. She thinks for a while, and then says: “Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!”

Score: 27

I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work

Score: 54

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

Score: 20

I had a Muslim friend in college who was always running late. We called him 9/12.

Score: 32

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m... ..and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” the mathematician replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Score: 35

What do you give a cannibal that is late to dinner? The cold shoulder

Score: 13

Off to Work A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, ‘You should’ve been here at 8.30!’ He replies. ‘Why? What happened at 8.30?

Score: 5

I got invited to a cannibal's luncheon last week, but I showed up about 30 minutes late. They gave me the cold shoulder.

Score: 53

"Better late than never" works with any situation Though not as much with funerals

Score: 4

I wish teleportation was possible.. I would never get late to the airport and lose my flight again...

Score: 11

Last night I went to a group activity called Fight Club... I arrived late so I didn't hear the rules, but I enjoyed it anyway.

Score: 4

What happens to the cannibal when he's late for dinner? He gets the cold shoulder

Score: 30

I was walking around a shady street late at night, and someone pulled a pair of scissors out at me. Fortunately, I pulled a rock. Had I pulled out paper, I would've have lost.

Score: 5

As my late father always said... Buy a decent watch

Score: 29

I was up late last night trying to make a belt out of wristwatches... It turned out to be a waist of time.

Score: 5

A man is late for work... Upon entering, his boss yells "you should have been here at 8:30!"

The man replies "Why, what happened at 8:30?"

Score: 21

A guy is pulled over at 2:00 a.m. for driving 93 MPH.... Cop - hey buddy, where are you rushing at this late hour?

Guy - to a lecture.

Cop - a lecture?!?!? Who gives lectures at 2:00 a.m???

Guy - **my wife!**

Score: 4

The broom was late Because it over swept.

Score: 9

What happened to the cannibal that turned up late? He got the cold shoulder!

Score: 21

My girlfriend and I were about to go for a late night walk. Her dad said, "Don't forget to wrap up."

I said, "Don't be silly, she's on the pill."

Score: 5

What happened to the cannibal who was late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder.

Score: 46

A student walks into class late... Teacher: "Why are you late?"

Student: "While I was coming, I saw a sign that said **School ahead. Slow down.**"

Score: 8

I was walking behind a girl late at night I open silently the bottle of chloroform so she doesn't freak out.
I put out my tissue,
put chloroform on it,
*sneezing*
clean my nose,
and pass out

I'm not a smart man

Score: 4

What do you call an abominable snowman who's always late? A not-yeti.

Score: 17

A man asks a bartender: "How late does the band play?" "Only about half a beat behind the drummer." The bartender replies.

Score: 66

What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party? You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

Score: 4

I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late'

They said 'you're hired'

Score: 41

how can I live longer than 100 years? Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

Score: 20

Why is stormtrooper always late from work? He keeps missing his train

Score: 6

Tardiness makes me extremely angry. As my late wife found out.

Score: 5

A cannibal came late to the family dinner. He was given the cold shoulder.

Score: 7

What do a pregnant woman, a burned pizza and a frozen beer have in common? In all three cases somebody took it out TOO LATE

Score: 14

Advice to the worm Sleep in late!

Score: 7