Hilarious Life Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Life Jokes

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

Score: 17668

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying? They were having a mid-life crisis.

Score: 17171

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!

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I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Score: 10857

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Score: 10025

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

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Went to Jail for the first time and found out that what they say about dropping the soap is just a myth I held on to that soap for dear life and it turns out they rape you anyway

Score: 3526

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt... 1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

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Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

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My daughter asked if I am going to die someday... I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

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The three unwritten rules of life 1.

2.

3.

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Why does Kylo Ren have no friends? Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them. I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

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Great wine is like great jazz... It confuses me and I'm pretty sure it's all the same.

EDIT: Front page? Hot damn! Now what do I do with my life?

Score: 2063

Give a man a plane ticket... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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I asked my North Korean friend what life was like in North Korea "Can't complain", he said.

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Why was the baby in Africa crying? It was having a mid-life crisis.

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Why did the African 3 year old cry? He was having a mid life crisis

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Leave a man on a plane and he flies for a day. Throw a man off a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

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What joke has the slowest build-up to the shittiest punchline? Life

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My dad always told me that I am special, that I'm the 1%. Later in life, i learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.

Score: 1713

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.

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My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin It's what he would have wanted...

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why was the 6 month old African baby crying? It was having a mid life crisis

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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

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Why does Kylo Ren never get girls? Because for most of his life he's Ben Solo

EDIT: Thanks for so many upvotes!

Score: 1393

What walks on 8 legs until it's one years old, 4 legs until it's twenty years old and then 2 legs for the remainder of it's life? Fred and George Weasley.

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Do Transformers get car insurance or life insurance? Neither because they live in America.

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Give a man...... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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Pro Life Tip Don't get an abortion.

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If your parachute doesn't deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.

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My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

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I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working... ... as long as I die on Thursday.

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My girlfriend's a pornstar. But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her.

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Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

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My Uncle always said "Do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life!" He did heroin

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I asked my friend in North Korea how life was He said he can't complain

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My friend drowned. So at his funeral... ...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.

After all...It's what he would have wanted.

Score: 493

New Life Jokes

Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for a few hours. Throw a man out of a flying plane and he flies for the rest of his life.

Score: 128

when i die I want it to be from being hit by a falling piano That way my life ends on a dramatic note.

Score: 103

My grandpa says my generation relies too much on technology. I said "No grandpa. Yours does" and then I unplugged his life support.

Score: 89

One Buddhist asked another Buddhist, "How's life?" The second Buddhist answered, "I've had better."

Score: 116

A guy with the nickname E saved my life, so now when I see him I say- -A E I O U

Score: 264

Swimming pool I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”

I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”

“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

Score: 141

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was. My dad beat me

Score: 323

Why do old people like golf? Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

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First Buddhist: "How's life?" Second Buddhist: "I've had better."

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I'm really worried about my Parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

My room-mate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying.

Score: 105

My girlfriend told me I'm bad in bed I told her she should learn to enjoy the little things in life

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Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life. But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.

Score: 68

I’m in so much debt, I can’t afford to pay my electric bill. These are the darkest days of my life.

Score: 109

Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

Score: 336

life is like a box of chocolates.... it is destroyed remarkably fast by an emotional woman.

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If you're ever skydiving and your parachute doesn't deploy, you don't need to worry. You have to rest of your life to fix it.

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My motto in life is to always give 100% It does make blood donation quite tricky.

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Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

Score: 226

Why do kids hate coffee, but adults enjoy it? Because, when you're a kid, coffee is the bitterest experience you've had in life.

Score: 129

How to always stay positive in life: | life |

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Life is like a soup Life is like a soup, you only get blown if you're hot.

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Do you know what two words can wreck a man's life? I do.

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How do you know when you're dyslexic? When life hands you melons.

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- "Dude, sarcasm will never get you anywhere in life" + "Well, it got me to the Sarcasm World Championship in Peru back in 98"

- "Really?"

+ "..."

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Why does an Ethiopian baby cry? It's having a mid life crisis
(Sorry If it's too dark)

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My whole life before age 12 was a blur. That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

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My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!”

Then I unplugged his life support.

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Last night I went out dressed as a chicken and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg... Life long question was answered

It was the chicken

Score: 103

My Grandpa said, " Your generation relies too much on technology. I'm doing you a favor" as he tossed my phone into the toilet. I laughed, and replied "No Grandpa, but yours does," as I unplugged his life support.

Score: 67

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for one night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Score: 101

I used to run a pro-life debate team. No one could de-fetus.

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It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system. You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.

Edit: changed the quantity of sons.

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I wanna make a joke about my life But I don't have one

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I'm so much in debt, I can't afford to pay my electric bill... These are the darkest days of my life...

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I started life as a man trapped in a woman's body. And after nine months I was born

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IKEA said if they catch me stealing anything else I'll be banned for life But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

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Pessimist: "My life could not get any worse" Optimist: "Oh sure it can"

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Life is like a box of chocolates... Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.

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I asked my friend from North Korea how life is He said he can't complain.

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My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though I'll figure out what procrastination means later

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If life gives you lemons... I hope ~~he~~ life also gives you water and sugar or else your lemonade's gonna suck.

EDIT: Made sure life's gender was no longer assumed.

Score: 124

Life is like a box of chocolates. It ends faster for fat people.

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My only form of income is donating blood It's sucking the life out of me

Score: 96

Why was the man who crushed recycled pop cans for a living sad with his life? Because his job was soda pressing.

Score: 89

Why was the 2 month old African baby crying? It was having its mid-life crisis.

Score: 127

What's an Ethiopian's favorite book? "My Life And Other Short Stories"

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My doctor checked my prostate last week It was the worst dentist appointment of my life.

Score: 116

Life is hard in a band Me and the guys started a rock band, we call it 1023MB. But no matter how hard we look we cant find a gig.

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My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr.

Score: 178

Math jokes never work on me I have trouble differentiating them. They aren't an integral part of my life and most of the time they just don't add up.

Score: 127

Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died? Because his life had no porpoise.

Score: 131

A Life Guard is walking along a beach A Life Guard is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

The Life guard laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

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So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn't have a life insurance His answer? "Because I want you to be truly sad when I'm gone" :(

Score: 146

Today has been the best day of my life as I am no longer a 30 year old virgin! I turned 31 today.

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"How is life in North Korea?" I wrote to my North Korean pen pal "I can't complain" he wrote back.

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And the Lord said unto John, '.... come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.' But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going He said "Can't complain".

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I really identify with the trans movement... For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

Score: 115

"Your generation is too reliant on technology," my grandfather said to me. "No, YOUR generation is too reliant on technology!" I said as I pulled the plug of his life support in order to further prove my point.

Score: 89

What does a box of chocolate and life have in common? They don't last long for fat people.

Score: 66