Hilarious Lincoln Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Lincoln Jokes

Why was Abraham Lincoln never put in jail? Because he was in a cent.

I know it’s stupid but c’mon

Score: 11547

My wife left me for an Indian guy It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows

edit: shout out to my boy caleb i know u see this abrafam lincoln

Score: 1890

Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.

Score: 1722

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

Score: 768

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place" Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

Score: 644

My dad’s joke was “you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln.” (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, “We’ll, I wasn’t named before him!”

Score: 464

Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Score: 274

NBC is planning a sitcom about the life of Abe Lincoln. Shot in front of a live studio audience.

Score: 270

Which president is least guilty? Abraham Lincoln. He is in a cent

Score: 228

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..." "...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

Score: 218

Score: 139

I was named after Abraham Lincoln. People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.

But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..

Score: 138

What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common? Both were shot before a live audience.

Score: 123

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?" One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

Score: 105

Forget Washington, Lincoln, JFK. Trump Is Simply Going To Be The Best President To Have Come in A Melania.

Score: 92

Who is the least guilty U.S. President? Lincoln.

He's in a cent!

Score: 66

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age.

Score: 65

JFK, Ab. lincoln, & Martin luther king Jr walks into a bar They get a few shots

Score: 55

So a teacher was lecturing his student... Teacher: Billy! You have failed your tests again, When Lincoln was your age he was the top student in his class!

Billy: Yeah, but when he was your age he was President of the US already.

Score: 47

Do you know which president has the cleanest record Lincoln, he was in a cent

Score: 43

Which US President was least guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent.

Score: 38

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln, because he is in a cent.

Score: 38

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree? "I freed the what?"

Score: 37

Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent.

Score: 37

Why were Lincoln and Kennedy such good presidents? They were open-minded

Score: 37

What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie?

Score: 36

Who was the least guilty President of the them all? Lincoln. He was in-a-cent.

Score: 36

Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC? Shot in front of a live studio audience.

Score: 36

Which President is the least guilty? Lincoln.
He is in a cent.

Score: 33

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime? "I'm in a cent"

Score: 29

So I was talking to Abrham Lincoln And I asked him, "what are you doing tonight?".
He said, "My wife's dragging me to a play somebody please kill me."

Score: 16

Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln? Maury

Score: 11

If Abraham Lincoln were alive right now, he'd probably say... ...why is it so dark in here?

Score: 10

A Chinese man goes to an optometrist complaining of blurriness in one eye The optometrist examines him and says "You have a cataract."

To which the Chinese man replies "Noh, I drive Lincoln Coninenal."

Score: 8

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime Because he's innocent.

Score: 7

Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it. -Abraham Lincoln

Score: 6

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today. Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

Score: 6

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more. They're called the Lincoln Logs.

Score: 5

Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish? He was shot in the temple

Score: 5

Abraham Lincoln was so nice Even his war was civil

Score: 4

New Lincoln Jokes

I had an axe that once belonged to Abraham Lincoln... The head was replaced once and the handle twice but I got documented proof it belong to Abraham Lincoln.

Score: 3

After further examination, it was determined Abe Lincoln had actually been shot in the temple Who would have guessed he was Jewish?

Score: 0

Abraham Lincoln and I have a lot in common, you know. We’re both ugly, depressed, and tell bad jokes.

Score: 2

What did the cherry tree say to Abe Lincoln? Don't axe me!

I read that on a bubble gum wrapper.

Score: 1

Racist joke I heard from The Sopranos A Chinese man walks into the eye doctors

The doctor said “I know why you have trouble seeing, you have a cataract.”

The Chinese man said “No, I drive a Lincoln.”

Score: 2

Who is my dog's favorite president? Bark Obam—

NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.

But then it won't be funny.

STEVE.

...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.

Score: 3

A history teacher asked his class "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he have to say about the NFL protests?" A student raised his hand and said "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he'd probably say 'LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX'"

Score: 2

Did you know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? He was shot in the temple

Score: 1

Two guys famous for having been shot in theaters . . . . . . Abraham Lincoln, and the guy sitting in front of Peewee Herman

Score: 2

When they were making "Lincoln", do you think the casting director said, "I need to see some head shots."

Score: 1

Lincoln decided to go to the theatre that day... He comitted a *grave* error.

Score: 1

I heard Abe Lincoln was having a fine old time at Ford's Theater... that is until he asked John Wilkes Booth for a headshot.

Score: 3

How do you tell an X chromosome from a Y chromosome? Pull down its genes!

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-Lincoln Pierce, author of the Big Nate series

Score: 1

Who was the most innocent president? Lincoln, he was in a cent.

Score: 3

What did the feminist slave say to Lincoln? I don't need you to MANcipate me.

Score: 3

Did you Know that Abraham Lincoln was Jewish? It's true. He was shot in the temple.

Score: 1

Who is the most innocent president? Lincoln, as he was in a cent.

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"Everything on the internet is accurate" -Abraham Lincoln

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What do Lincoln, Kennedy, and Trump have in common? Nothing. Yet.

Score: 1

What do they call a traffic jam in the Lincoln Tunnel? A Linkin Park.

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A black guy and an asian guy walks into a bar after a lincoln costume party. The black guy hurt his head and the asian got his hat knocked off.

Score: 2

Apparently Abraham Lincoln was falsely accused of several crimes for almost a hundred years. Good thing they eventually found him in a cent.

(This is probably a repost. Didn't bother to check.)

Score: 2

You know... KFC'S business has been booming ever since Abraham Lincoln became president

Score: 2

My bragging friend My friend bragged that his dad had a hat of Lincoln and sword of Washington. But I told him my dad has an Adam's apple.

Score: 1

Donald Trump went to sleep. He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

Score: 3

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

Score: 4

How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent

Score: 4

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day. Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

Score: 4

Which president was least guilty? Lincoln, he's in-a-cent.

Score: 3