Hilarious Listening Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Listening Jokes

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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How did Metallica get people to stop pirating their music? They stopped releasing anything worth listening to.

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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

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I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.” I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

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What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself? Your ear listening for foot steps.

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*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?' Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

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Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?" Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

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My wife is weird... She begins every conversation with "Were you even listening to me?"

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My girlfriend is weird, she always starts conversations with, "Are you even listening to me!" Thanks, I'll be here all week.

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At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years I answered:

“Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”

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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Me: "I'd say my biggest weakness is listening"

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My wife is weird... She starts every conversation with "Are you listening to me?"

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My wife just stopped and said, "you weren't even listening were you"... I thought, that's a funny way to start a conversation

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My wife has an odd way of starting conversations. She always begin by saying "Hey, are you even listening?"

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My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

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My wife just screamed at me, “You haven’t been listening to a single word I’ve said!” What a weird way to start a conversation

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A father asks his child, "Could you please stop listening to Korean music?" "K, pop."

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My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet. I said I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

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My dad told me I was listening to way too much Korean Music. I told him, "K pop"

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My girlfriend shouted at me, “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!” Which I, personally, thought was a very weird and rude way to start a conversation!

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My wife was like: "Are you even listening to what I'm saying?!?" And I was like... that's a strange way to start a conversation.

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My neighbors are listening to good music Whether they like it or not.

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Wife has strange ways of starting a conversation.. ... out of nowhere she'll ask me: are you even listening at all?

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My neighbors are listening to really good music Whether they like it or not

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My wife has an odd way of starting conversations ... She always begins by saying, "Hey, are you even listening?"

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My wife is so weird She starts every conversation with *"were you even listening to me? "*

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My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

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My dad asked me the other day: "Are you even listening to me?" Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.

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My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

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My girlfriend just yelled at me saying, "You weren't even listening, were you?" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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My girlfriend likes it when I am silent. She thinks I am listening.

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My wife yelled at me today, saying, "You were not even listening now, were you!?" What a weird way of starting a conversation!!

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I was listening to some music with my friend and he told me "you should turn the bass down on your speaker". It was sound advice.

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I told myself I need to stop drinking so much ...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

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People think listening to a really great song and having an eargasm is great Thats until you get hearing aids

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My neighbors are listening to some great music! Whether they like it or not....

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Girl: You weren't even listening just now were you?! Guy Thinking: "Hmm, that's a weird way to start a conversation."

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My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you!?" I thought, "Wow, what a weird way to start a conversation."

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I've noticed that I can't leave the house without listening to Back in Black 3 times.. I think I have OCDC.

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New Listening Jokes

I heard the Playstation 5 is going to be extremely quiet and have tons of ventilation Looks like Sony started listening to its fans

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What do you call people listening to music? the audio-nce

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My friend told me that I am really bad at noticing what people are trying to tell me, and that I am also really easily distracted She told me some other stuff but I wasn't really listening as there was a squirrel in a tree looking at me

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On the day that Neil Peart passes away... "Gonna be listening to Rush today in honor of Neil."

"Oh, cool."

*turns on Rush Limbaugh*

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Iran listening to amrican Radio Radio: "it seems like our strongest solider Joe just lended in Iran"

Iran:"how's Joe?"

Radio:"Joe mama!"

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What music service are the current DNC nominees listening to? Pandera!

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You know, it is times like this I wished I had listened to what my mother has always told me -“what did she say?”

I don’t know, I wasn’t listening

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I've been listening to Harry Styles' new music recently and I must say... He has gotten a lot better ever since he went in the other direction.

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I'm trying to talk to a Nintendo fanboy But he's not listening to Mii

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A brother and sister, and husband and wife, are sitting in the living room listening to the radio. Suddenly, “Sweet Home Alabama” started playing. The two looked at each other and exclaimed, “Our song!”

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My wife asked me why I speak so softly while I’m at home... I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerburg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

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My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her Mark Zuckerberg was listening... She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

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Listening to the Rolling Stones seems to be influencing my subconsicous. I had a dream last night that I was piloting a plane,

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So I heard wind turbines enjoy listening to rock music.. Apparently they’re big heavy metal fans.

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What do you get after listening to Ear rape? Hearing AIDS!

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What do you call a cat that’s been listening to too much rock and roll? Def Leppard.

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Brett: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Brett: What do mummies like listening to on Halloween?
Brent: I don’t know.
Brett: Wrap music!

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I always considered myself a Canadian American in spirit I apologize when I enter an empty room in case the NSA is listening.

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I was at a scholarship ceremony, and after listening to awards given for diversity, I left the room, crying. When someone asked me if I was okay, I responded.... "I'm all-white."

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Voting and Racist Jokes (original content) What do telling someone you voted for Trump, and telling someone a racist joke have in common?

They both begin by looking around to make sure no one else is listening.

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3 Brazilian A blonde was listening to the radio when suddenly she heard "3 Brazilian men died in a fatal car accident." The woman then asked, "How much is a Brazilian?"

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When I was young I always dreamed of being a witch doctor. I guess I'll stop listening to all the trolls.

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Listening to Metal music quietly is like being a guy with no index fingers... ...Pointless.

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What's the only thing worse than listening to country music? Enjoying it.

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My wife yelled at me today "You weren't even listening to me just now!" I thought "what a weird way to start a new conversation..."

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My doctor advised me for stress reduction to listen to opera music He gave me a CD. I've been listening all night but I'm not sure if its actually having an effect. It says on the cover the guys name is Placebo Domingo.

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I was listening to a concert in Bermuda. Suddenly, and without explanation, the guy playing the triangle disappeared.

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I was listening to some Mozart... And I realized that he made some top nachtmusik.

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I got pulled over by the police... Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round"
Police: "Turn around"
Me: "Every now and then I get a little bit tired of listening to..."

That's when I got tasered.

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A man goes to the Doctor and says "I can't stop listening to the Arctic Monkeys" The doctor replies- "Snap out of it".

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You can tell a lot about a person by their house Peeking in through the windows
Recording their every move
Listening in with lasers
Yep, you can tell a lot about someone by their trash
Or behind a bush

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Reincarnation I told my wife that when you die, you can reincarnate into anything you want, except something that you already are. She said she wants to become a cow. Clearly she's not listening to me...

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Listening to music at work... Pearl Jam "Better Man" comes on... My coworker turns to me and says "Can't you find a better band?"

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I’m not Deaf I shouted to the barmaid, “Two pints of lager please.”
She said, “I’m not deaf.”
I said, “Sorry, I noticed your wedding ring and the black eye. I presumed you had a problem listening.”

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My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Wonderwall I said maybe..

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NSA.. Always listening to our customers.

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An interviewer asked me what my biggest weakness was So I replied "Well I'd say my best strength is my listening skills"

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I Can control sheep just by listening to them I herd it with my own ears

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I was listening to music and dropped my computer into the ocean... Guess now it's A Dell Rolling in the Deep

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My girlfriend told me to stop listening to Oasis I said maybe..

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I've seen videos of grandmas smoking weed, and listening to rock music. I don't know about you guys, but I'm looking forward to when they complete the trilogy.

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I can't have teamwork at League of Legends because... the only people listening to my calls are the NSA.

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