London Jokes

Apparently someone in London gets stabbed every 90 seconds. Poor guy.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 50 seconds. Poor guy.

I have decided to write all my jokes in capitals from now on. This one was written in London.

One British girl Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl


****Wife returns from London****


Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for nine months...

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

I read a joke about an alternate ending to Peter Pan where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter Pan back to London in a body bag. Not very funny and quite dark, but it requires a dead Pan delivery

A savage wife Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.

An English Girl.. WIFE: "I’m going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"
HUSBAND: "An English girl."
After a month, wife returns..
HUSBAND: "Where is my gift?"
WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"

My 13 year old son was victim of a stabbing in North London. Cradling his head on the cold, wet pavement I heard him mumble,
"I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die. Get me a priest,"
"A priest?" I said. "We're not Catholic."
"No," he cried. "But I don't want to die a virgin."

I was going from London to Australia for a holiday... I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

In London, a man gets robbed every 4.5 minutes. And he's getting fed up with it.

I lost 70 pounds last month I got mugged in London

I opened a sperm bank in London recently... We had a disastrous first day. Only two clients. One came on the bus; the other one missed the tube.

They say criminals often return to the scene of the crime That must be why there’s so many Australians in London nowadays

Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party last night in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event: "It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

Apparently in London someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy

"wife going to the london" Wife : what gift do you want?

Husband: one british girl


"wife returns"


Husband : Where's my gift?

Wife: Wait for 9 months

As I stood before the airline ticket agent, I said "I want to buy a ticket to London. But I want one bag to go to Tokyo and the other to Moscow." "Sir, we can't do that," the ticket agent exclaimed.

"Why not?" I asked. "You did it to me last time I flew with you?"

What's black on the outside and white on the inside? The streets of London.

British Airways. Breakfast in London. Dinner in New York. Luggage in Tokyo.

Chinese man in a London bank A Chinese man living in London went to the bank and asked the banker, "Why I have less money in my account than yesterday?" The banker replied, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man said, "Oh yeah? Well fluck you Blitish too!"

My friend just fainted whilst riding The London Eye. He's slowly coming round.

I'd never been on a London double decker, didn't have any money but told the driver I was dying to get on He looked me dead in the eye and said "Life isn't fare."

Apparently someone gets stabbed every 52 seconds in London Poor guy

What was the motto of the German rocket program? Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you'll hit London.

A naughty child A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London? A great big pho queue.

Iron man should have joined the London philharmonic orchestra. He'd have made a good conductor.

A couple of dwarves got arrested... A couple of dwarves got arrested in London the other day.

They got charged for possession of small arms.

What's the time difference..? A blonde called a telephone operator.

Blonde: “Could you tell me the time difference between Singapore and London?”

Operator: “Just a minute…”

Blonde : “Thank you” *puts down the phone*

I was at the train station. The woman next to me said, "Is the next train from London to Edinburgh?"

I said, "I doubt it. I don't think trains are that long."

Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon? He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles

I only wanted some chocolates ffs When I was in London, I went to buy some chocolates.

The cashier was like, "That will be ten pounds."

I'm like, "Rub it in, why don't you?"

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

My friend recently visited London. He said everyone was very polite, except in Greenwich. Whenever he asked someone for the time they got all mean about it.

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York. What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

London attacker has been identifed as Khalid Masood. Well, he definitely Khalid Ma-mood yesterday.

Why do the conjoined twins travel to London? ...so the other twin gets the chance to drive a car =(

why are the busses in London red? You would be too if you had to come every 10 minutes