Hilarious Married Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Married Jokes

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!" The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

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A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity" "Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

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10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

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My daughter told me I should treat her like a princess So I married her off to a stranger in order to secure an alliance with the French.

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I didn't take my husband's name when I got married. I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith

Score: 2009

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess... So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

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My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married? Feyoncè

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I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.

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A thief pointed a knife at me and said "your money or your life" I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.

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For those of you wondering what it’s like to be married I just found out this morning I’m on day 3 of an argument I didn’t know I was having.

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Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he 's married.

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Maybe the Pope just wants to finally get married. Or settle down with a couple of kids.

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My daughter demanded she be treated like a princess... so I married her off to secure an alliance with the French.

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Dad, I’m getting married! Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Why?
Dad: Just say sorry.
Son: I haven’t done anything wrong!
Dad: Say sorry.
Son: Okay, okay! I’m sorry!
Dad: You’re ready.

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Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

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Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

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I work in retail, a married man made me laugh Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

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My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

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A son walks up to his dad A son walks up to his dad and tells him: "Dad, did you know in other countries you don't know who your wife is until you get married?"

His dad replies: "It's like that everywhere son."

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My son wanted to know what it's like to be married I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

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If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers ...she'd have to give up the poon.

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The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week. Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

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Two biologists get married and have twin girls. They name one Jessica and the other Control.

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Why are married women heavier than single women? When single women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in the fridge, and head for bed. When married women get home, they settle in, take a peek at what's in bed, and head for the fridge.

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I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she's been giving me lately.

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My childhood crush and I are finally getting married this year! Me in August, and her in November.

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I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they’ll never meet.

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A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!" A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

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My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

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Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

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If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

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Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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My wife got naked and told me to show her a good time So I showed her a picture of my friends and I before we got married.

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She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man... Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

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Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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New Married Jokes

If any of you are thinking of getting married, please consider this carefully On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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My wife and I've been happily married for 3 years. Today is our 10th anniversary.

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As a married man, I always get the last word in a conversation or argument with my wife. Those words are usually, "Yes dear."

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I married a ghost but we're in couples counseling now... He can just be so possessive sometimes, ya know?

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I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks He asked, "What about your wife?"

I replied "Nah, she's married"

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I asked an old man, "Even after 60 years of being married, how can you still call your wife 'Honey', 'Darling' and 'Sweetheart'?" He replied, "Well I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her!"

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A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

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Two antennas got married. Wedding ceremony was a disaster. But reception was really good.

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What do you call two melons who can’t be married? Cantaloupe

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I've been married for 20 years, and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...

If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.

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Two satellites got married The wedding wasn't very good, but the reception was great.

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I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding, terrible reception.

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I want to get married on September 11th... That way I'll never forget my anniversary

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A hurricane is a lot like getting married... Starts with a lot of blowing, then you lose your house.

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'Dad, how much did it cost for you and mom to get married?' Dad's reply: idk I'm still paying.

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2 antennas met on a roof. They fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was incredible!

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Two antennas got married The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

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Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry. Husband : Yes…so ?

Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?

Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

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Why did the room packed with married people seem empty? Because there wasn't a single person there.

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I asked my gynecologist what he looks for in a girl. He told me he's married and to stop coming to his house.

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I was mugged last night by a thief on the way home Pointing a knife at me, he said
"Your money or your life"

I told him I was married so I have no money & no life

We hugged & cried together...

It was a beautiful moment

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I'm getting married to my pencil, I can't wait to introduce my parents to my wife 2B!

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After getting released from prison, I hear OJ wants to get married again.... I guess he wants to take another stab at it.

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Why are married women fatter than single women? A single girl gets home, looks what's in the fridge and goes straight to bed. A married girl gets home, looks what's in the bed, and goes straight to the fridge

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My friend wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

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A Scottish guy announced to his mate that he was getting married... I'll write this down phonetically, so use your best Scottish accent:

"Ahm gettin married next week."

"Are ye wearin a kilt?"

"Aye, ahm weerin a kilt."

"Wha's the tartin?"

"She's in a whit dress."

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What do you get when two antenna get married? A crappy wedding but great reception.

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I've been married for eight years and I still get head weekly. My wife would kill me though if she knew how much I was paying for it.

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Why didn't Miss Piggy get married? She was afraid of Kermit-ment

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I made my wife's dreams come true and we were married in a castle. But you sure wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around during the ceremony.

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Why do melons always get married in a church? Because they cantaloupe!

^^^^^^^I'm ^^^^^^^so ^^^^^^^sorry

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I finally met Miss Right! Unfortunately, I married her before I learned her first name is Always.

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How come Ray Charles can't see his friends? ...because he's married.

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Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel - You're lucky, mine's still alive.

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I had a one night stand and then got married Now we have two night stands.
(One on each side of the bed)

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The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves. Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

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A man is incomplete until he is married And then he is finished.

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Two antennas fall in love with each other on a roof and decide to get married The wedding was awful but the reception was great.

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Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married? No witnesses.

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Why do women gain weight after they get married? Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.

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A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?" A boy asked his father, "Dad, how much does it cost to get married?"

Father grimly replied, "I wouldn’t know son, I'm still not done paying for it."

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What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

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I just married again after a divorce... It was a wife changing experience.

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I told my son to get an education. He said, "I won't."

I said, "Why?"

He said, "Cause you got one and now you're married with five kids."

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If Bruno Mars married Venus Williams on Earth, do you think they'd have a Sun? Only if they planet.

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A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"

"A billionaire."

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What kind of fruit isn't allowed to get married? A cantaloupe.

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[AskReddit] I read that 4,156,257 people got married this year.... ....not to cause any problems, but shouldn't that be an even number?

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Do you know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends? He got married.

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Two melons have a secret love affair... One melon says to the other, "baby, I love you so much. I just wanna sneak away and get married right now."

The other responds, "no, we cantaloupe."

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I have two tickets to the 2017 Superbowl, but I'm getting married that day so I can't go. If you're interested in going in my place, the wedding is at St. Peter's church and her name is Laura.

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What's the difference between a married guy and a single guy? Wait, let me ask and make sure it's ok to tell the joke.

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My friend asked me how it felt to be able to say that i was married I said that "It has a nice ring to it"

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My co-worker is getting married today, 2/29/2016. He figured this way he would only have to celebrate his wedding anniversary once every four years.

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A married couple were fighting... ...when they drove past a farm full of pigs. The husband then asked his wife, "Family of yours?" The wife looked at the pigs, then replied, "Yea, in-laws."

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One group of people still can't get married in the US Ugly people

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This Vietnamese couple I knew got married... Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyễn-Nguyễn situation.

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Why didn't the watermelon get married to the honeydew Because fruits cantaloupe

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What can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married.

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A programmer gets home one day... ...and finds his wife crying. "Ever since we got married you've avoided this question. Now I want an answer: Do you really love me or did you just marry me so you won't be alone?"

So he replies: "Yes".

Score: 22