Mattress Jokes

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not. I should probably sleep on it.

Just got a repressed memory foam mattress, it holds me just like my gym teacher did

Great pickup line... You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

What is a mattress' favorite season? Spring.

Your momma’s so fat she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

Yo mama's so fat She gave her memory foam mattress brain damage

Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school keep flooding back to me. I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

Why is King Joffrey like a mattress? Two twins make a King.

What's the difference between a mattress and a highway? A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

What's another word for a mattress? A loaf of bed.

I bought a new mattress and reached for the stupid label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it. I decided to sleep on it.

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress? a Tempura-Pedic.

Me: How long have we had that mattress? Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed...... ....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

My wife wanted a new mattress... I said I'd have to sleep on it.

Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out. I figured I'd sleep on it.

Why did the mattress go to the therapist? Because it was depressed

(Did I tell this before I mean it’s my classic joke)

"So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?" "I'll sleep on it"

I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress I'm going to sleep on it.

My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress I asked him to sleep on it

I walked down the street and saw a man with a mattress strapped to his back I stopped him and asked what it was for,

He said “you know my father always said I should have something to fall back on”

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They were married in the spring!

What do you call a fat man trying out a new tempurpedic mattress? The great depression

I had a horrible night last night My blow up doll ran off with my air mattress

I searched high and I searched low, in the mattress and under the rugs, then it occurred to me that only users lose drugs.

Welcome to Lannister family mattress store! Where we push two twins together to make a king.

Not saying my Ex was fat But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

I bought a new mattress but I'm not sure if I like it.. I guess I should sleep on it.

How can you tell an elephant is on its period? There's a quarter on your night stand and your mattress pad is missing.

Who counts more sheep than mattress companies? Apple Inc.

I'm going to put wheels on a mattress it shall be called the tempur-speedic

I was at the mattress shop today, until I remembered I was supposed to be at the pharmacy. I was supposed to be picking up my dementia medication.

I was fapping so hard the mattress fell off the frame... My roommate wasn’t as pleased as I was

Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City? He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making. Just so I've got something to fall back on.

I asked my wife... If she wanted to do something illegal and it involves beds tonight. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she finds out we’re ripping all the mattress tags off this evening.

Two brothers started a mattress company They called it the Bed Shop Boys