Hilarious Meat Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Meat Jokes

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!" I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."

credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

Score: 19532

A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

Score: 9460

Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat? Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

Score: 8653

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting." I said, "People who sell vegetables and fruits are grocer."

Score: 2292

Me: “Did you invite Dan to the party?” My friend: “Yeah.”

Me: “Cannibal Dan or Dan that can’t spell?”

*notification from my friends phone, it’s a text from Dan.* “I can’t wait to meat your friends tonight.

My friend: “I’m not sure”

Score: 2028

Score: 1843

What’s the cheapest meat you can buy? Deer balls, they’re under a buck...

(Told to me by my 12yo son)

Score: 1291

What is the cheapest meat? Deer testicles.

They're under a Buck.

Score: 639

I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".

Score: 585

A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting!" I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."

Score: 488

Old Soviet Joke Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

Score: 452

Vegans say whoever sells meat is disgusting, well i say people who sell vegetables are grocer.

Score: 428

What is the cheapest type of meat? Deer testicles. They're under a buck.

Score: 369

Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?" Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

Score: 349

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.

Score: 349

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them "By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

Score: 343

Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park... but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

Score: 338

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them. He asked: "By mistake?"

I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

Score: 328

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill... A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

Score: 314

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

Score: 247

I knew a guy who fell into an industrial meat grinder He's fine now.

Score: 243

My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.

Score: 230

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row. I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

Score: 213

Confucius says... It is good to meet girl in park
but BETTER to park meat in girl

Score: 201

‪If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan... Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

Score: 195

The butcher backed up... The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Score: 176

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer? The steaks would be too high.

Score: 170

Teacher :) Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Score: 156

The ladies call me Subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.

Score: 147

I left some burgers sitting in my fridge since the horse-meat scandal. AND THEY'RE OFF!!

Score: 131

What do you call a tree that grows meat? Dmitry!

Score: 77

I told my dad the strip club had the best steaks in town. He told me what their slogan should be. You can't beat the meat here.

Score: 59

One brave student... Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

Score: 58

Fat people are harder to kidnap But skinny people are worth less at the meat market

Score: 55

What's it called when a vegetarian starts eating meat again? Losing your veginity.

Score: 39

A teacher was quizzing Johnny on farm animals Teacher: "Johnny, what does the chicken give you?"

Johnny: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Johnny: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Johnny: "Homework!"

Score: 36

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today. Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

Score: 32

Confucius say lucky girl is girl who meet boy in park and lucky boy is boy who park meat in girl

Score: 28

What's in common between the vibrator and soy They both try to substitute meat

Score: 24

What’s the difference between new and old hamburger meat? One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.

Score: 23

New Meat Jokes

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

Score: 5

What does 6'7" butcher weigh? Meat

Score: 3

I bought a can of tuna cat food, but there was catfish meat inside. I got catfish catfish cat fish.

Score: 3

My neighbour showed up at my party last night. Me: My friend Jack is coming as well btw

Them: The cannibal Jack or the Jack that can't spell?

Me \[checks my phone for Jack's text message: I can't wait to meat ur neighbours!\]: Yeah I'm not sure either.

Score: 5

Did you hear about the shop that just opened in India that sells fresh meat and cheese? It's a new deli.

Score: 4

What kind of meat do end of the world, conspiracy theorists stock up on? Prepperoni

Score: 3

Do you know any good recipes for vegans? How do you humanely slaughter them and prepare their meat?

Score: 12

How are a priest and mcdonalds alike? They both stick thier meat in ten year old buns

Score: 3

A Hamburger in the Sovjet union Two bread coupons with a meat coupon in the middle.

Score: 3

A butcher is 5'10" and has a 38" waist. What does he weigh? Meat.

Score: 4

What did the ignored butcher say? Everybody needs my meat but nobody meets my needs.

Score: 3

My doctor told me to stop eating pony meat It was making me a little horse

Score: 3

What do cannibals love most about concerts? Meat and greets

Score: 3

What did the muslim guy say to his girlfriend when she was about to eat gorilla meat? "That's haram, bae."

Score: 4

What do you call a lion who doesn’t eat meat? A dead lion

Score: 5

What does baby wookie meat taste like? A little chewy.

Score: 6

"You like that meat, you MURDERER?" said my vegan girlfriend I just wish we could have one dinner without her reminding me of the time I shot her mom in the head

Score: 8

why did the soy based meat substitute cross the road? to prove it wasn't chicken

Score: 19

What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes? Communists waiting in line to buy meat.

Score: 16

What's the difference between a lion and a vegetarian? A lion only eats meat and can't talk and a vegetarian only eats plants and won't shut up about it.

Score: 3

What’s Lady Gaga’s favorite kind of meat? Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw, Raw

Score: 9

What's black and white, red all over, and swings? A nun on a meat hook!

Score: 5

Why did the butcher get fired? He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.

Score: 8

What does Michael Jackson and Burger King have in common? 50 year old meat between 8 year old buns.

Score: 3

'Why are you starting a hot dog business?' To make ends meat.

Score: 3

Talking to a vegan today I was talking to a vegan today and they said : "I think butchers or anyone who sells meat is disgusting ! " to which I replied "well I think people who sell fruit and veg are grocer"

Score: 6

How do emo's like their meat cooked medium rawr

Score: 15

What do you call a meat knife? A protein shank.

Score: 4

Why dont Jedi's eat baby Wookie meat? Because they're a little Chewy.

Score: 4

Teacher asks student Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Score: 5

I like my deli meat how I like my women Thin and shaved

Score: 14

Meat jokes are hard to do.. they're rarely well done.

Score: 19

What do competitive butchers say to each other? I will beat your meat!

Score: 4

You should know much bacteria is on raw meat. Lives are at steak.

Score: 4

Have you tasted baby Wookie meat? They say it's a little Chewie

Score: 14

Funny Jokes!!! Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Score: 23

My dad burnt this beautiful slab of meat last night... He made a terrible missteak.

Score: 5

The Butcher What happened when the Butcher backed up into his meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

Score: 5

What does a chicken give you? Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework

Score: 5

Why couldn't the meat butcher reach the top shelf? The stakes were high.

Score: 3

I like my women like I like my calzone... Folded over and stuffed with meat.

Score: 3

Priests & McDonalds What do they have in common?

They both put their meat in 10 year old buns

Score: 3

What is a programmer's favorite artificial meat flavoring? A boolean cube

Score: 7

A vegan club is the worst place for social activity. It's impossible to meat people there.

Score: 9

My doctor told me I was eating too much meat So I decided to quit cold turkey

Score: 5

What kind of party did the Donners have? A meat and greet.

Score: 4

What is the difference between a refrigerator and a child? It isn't a crime to stick your meat in a refrigerator.

Score: 6

What kind of meat does a catholic priest eat on Friday? Nun

Score: 2

Poor Russians A Russian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. "I see you have no vegetables today"
"No," said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street."

Score: 2

How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak? "Beat beet, meet meat."

Score: 8

Uh, hi. Yeah, I'll have a six-inch Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki on Honey Oat, please. No, thanks, no double meat or cheese. Yeah, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, banana peppers, and..." *checks phone* Oh, shoot. Wrong sub.

Score: 2

What do cannibals call shin meat? Below knee

Score: 5

My grandpa always said, it's good to meet a girl in the park... But it's better to park your meat in a girl.

Score: 2

What is the difference between a kid and a fridge The fridge does not scream when I put my meat in it.

Score: 4

My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam My gf asked me if gorilla meat was forbidden in Islam.

I told her, "Yeah, it's haram, bae."

Score: 18

What does primate meat taste like? Oh, it has sort of an orangutang to it.

Score: 2

What do you call a blue-eyed blonde that doesn't eat meat? A vegetaryan

Score: 15

Teachers be like... Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Students: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Students: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Students: "Homework!"

Score: 4

Have you tried the meat in India? Person 1: Hey, have you tried the meat over there in India?

Person 2: Nah, seems like an awful long way to go just for some meat..

Person 1: You should try it. Their Delhi is fantastic!

Score: 2

What spoils quicker than unrefridgerated meat? The Walking Dead's facebook page.

Score: 16