Newspaper Jokes

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Funniest Newspaper Jokes

Hey girl, are you a newspaper? Because there’s a new issue with you every single day

Score: 13041

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper... I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

Score: 11507

I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper... She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 3824

A cockroach can survive a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly This shows how toxic the media is

Score: 388

I asked my daughter for the news I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

Score: 332

I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad

That fly didn't stand a chance

Score: 328

Girl are you a newspaper? Cause you've got a new issue every day.

Score: 322

I asked my daughter.... .....if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

Score: 161

“Now how’s he going to read the newspaper, all rolled up like that?" ...thought the spider.

Score: 151

A Soviet newspaper announces: "Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."

"...in four microseconds."

Score: 147

I was visiting my daughter last night and asked if I could borrow the newspaper... "This is the 21st Century". She said

"We don't waste money on newspapers, here use this iPad."

All I can tell you is this.

That fly never knew what hit him.

Score: 134

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She said that newspapers are old school and that no one reads them anymore, and proceeded to hand me her iPad.



That fly didn't stand a chance.

Score: 119

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She kindly told me that newspapers are old school. Then she said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

Score: 116

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads.... .

---

### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

---

.

Score: 99

I asked my wife for a newspaper. She said not to be daft and to borrow her iPad. That spider didn't know what hit it.

Score: 96

Daaaaaaayuuuuuuum girl, are you the newspaper? Cause everyday you got a new issue

Score: 92

I asked my wife for the newspaper I said to my wife, "Get me a newspaper."

"Don't be silly," she replied, "you can borrow my iPad."

The spider didn't see that coming.

Score: 90
Funny Newspaper Jokes
Score: 85

I was visiting my daughter last night when i asked if i could borrow a newspaper. "Its the 21st century" she said, "We dont waste money on newspapers anymore. Here, use my IPad."


I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him.

Score: 79

A grandmother goes to the doctor A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"

Score: 66

I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.



That fly didn’t stand a chance.

Score: 61

Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away? "Nut screws and bolts".

Score: 59

A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

Score: 59

I read in an American newspaper last night "15 die in twister"... ...I don't think you're playing it right.

Score: 56

Newspaper and IPAD I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. "Don't be silly", she replied. "Borrow my iPad." .... That spider didn't knew what f***ing hit it.

Score: 56

I submitted 10 puns to a local newspaper, hoping one would make it in. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Score: 55

A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts”.

Score: 54

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout but dies when you swat them with a newspaper... Shows how toxic our media is...

Score: 52

I asked my girlfriend if she could get me a newspaper "Don`t be silly", she replied, "you can borrow my ipad".

That fly never knew what hit it.

Score: 50

The wife looks at herself in the mirror and complain to her husband: “I am so ugly and wrinkle and fat. Do I even have any good traits?” The husband put down his newspaper and slowly answer: “Your eyesight is excellent darling”

Score: 46

21st century newspaper I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

Score: 38

I asked my daughter if she had seen newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance.

Score: 37

A man entered a pun contest in the newspaper He entered ten of his best puns hoping that at least one of them would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.

Score: 32

Women are like newspaper articles... They have a new issue every freaking day

Score: 26

I'm reading the newspaper with a vengeance. This time it's personals.

Score: 23

A failed tv presenter, a disgraced newspaper editor and a phone hacker walk into a bar.... ..and the barman says "What'll it be, Piers?"

Score: 23

When I was your age, my mom sent me to the store with a quarter and I came back with a loaf of bread, a bottle of milk, and a newspaper. But you can't do that anymore because there's too many surveillance cameras.

Score: 17

How many??? A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Score: 15

I told my daughter to give me my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school, and people nowadays use tablets, so she gave me her iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance

Score: 14

Girl are you a newspaper? Cause you’ve got a new issue everyday.

Score: 14

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New Newspaper Jokes

What is the name of a rightwing newspaper MAGAzine

Score: 0

I asked my dad to hand me a newspaper He said "oh, just use my iPad."

Poor fly didn't know what hit him.

Score: 2

I once dated a daily newspaper executive, though I should have known it wouldn't work out Too many issues

Score: 0

The businessman took off his jacket, kicked his shoes off and started reading the newspaper The hobo was dumbfounded to say the least.

Score: 1

My son was yelling at the newspaper I asked him why he's yelling at the paper

he told me that mom told him it's the "Edit or Yell" Section and he didn't want to edit

Score: 0

I asked my daughter to get me a newspaper... I asked my daughter to get me a newspaper.
She said, "Dad you're so old. Use my phone."


So I took her phone and slammed it down on the spider crawling up the wall. :D

Score: 2

A granddaughter lives with her grampa One day the grampa asked the granddaughter if she can give him a newspaper but the granddaughter said " Grampa you are so old, just use my phone" so the grampa smashed the phone against the wall killing a fly

Score: 0

Why wouldn’t the newspaper go out with the other newspaper? because she wasn’t up to date.

Score: 2

Why did the wrigley’s gum store set up next to the newspaper stand? Cuz the newspaper guy did all the advertising.

“Extra, extra, get your extra here!”

Score: 2

What's black and white and red all over? I don't know, but it's definitely not the newspaper these days!

Score: 6

What’s black and white and red all over? The newspaper!

(Get it? Like red/read?)

Score: 2

I wish, I was a newspaper.. Wife- I wish I was a newspaper, so I would be in your hands all-day.

Husband- I too wish, that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one everyday...

Score: 1

In USSR there were two popular newspaper... ..."The Truth" and "The News".

One visitor asked a local what the difference between them were.

"Well, there's no news in "The Truth", and no truth in "The News""

Score: 3

An old woman is visiting the doctor "Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.

"About 2 cm under the nipples." the doctor answers.

Headline of the newspaper on the next day:

"Woman tried to commit suicide. Shot herself in the knee instead."

Score: 4

Two guys debating about whose dog is smarter Guy 1: "My dog is very smart, every morning he always fetch my newspaper"

Guy 2: "I already know that"

Guy 1: "What? Who told you about that?"

Guy 2: "My dog"

Score: 8

Spiders are making newspaper headlines. Well, the ones in my house are.

Score: 6

I sent in ten puns to my local newspaper's pun competition, hoping that, at least one of them would win something. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Score: 3

Can I .. ? A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying:
'Man seeks woman to date.'

He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"

Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"

Score: 2

A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more. The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts."

Score: 4

I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
$35,000 - $40,000

So I rang them and said, "The answer is -$5,000"

Score: 8

Sunny day with my gf. I ask honey if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad."

She is right, I kill the son of b* in one shot.

I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.

Score: 9

What is doggos favorite newspaper? The New Bork Times

Score: 1

Did you hear about the car mechanic who was in a brief relationship and then left? There was an article in the newspaper.
MECHANIC NUTS AND BOLTS

Score: 12

My local newspaper ran a story on the decrease of cow psychics. It was called "Steak Medium Rare"

Score: 3

What's a zergling's favourite newspaper? The Guardian.

Score: 3

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