Hilarious Nuts Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Nuts Jokes

Score: 6075

What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

I'll see myself out.

Score: 3505

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

Score: 2365

How do you make a room full of epileptics go nuts? Ask someone with parkingsons disease to turn off the lights

Score: 2166

What did one saggy boob say to the other? If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.

Score: 1674

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats "That's nuts!" I exclaimed.

Edit: Wow! Who knew that by posting an original joke I'd get this many upvotes! That's nuts!

Score: 1437

What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

Score: 1186

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25 Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

Score: 1133

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty. Deer nuts are always under a buck...

I'll see myself out now.

Score: 706

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? "Hold onto your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow job."

Score: 658

Whats the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts Beer nuts are $1.50 a lb. And deer nuts are under a buck.

Score: 507

How does a robot do a one night stand? It nuts and bolts

Score: 459

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?

Score: 398

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.

Score: 336

What does a robot do on a one night stand? Nuts and bolts.

Score: 316

What do you call a robot whose sole purpose is to have one-night stands? Nuts and bolts

Score: 261

My boyfriend is the best cook With only two nuts, a sausage and some milk he can fill my stomach for 9 months.

Score: 203

Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing Man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but cellophane. The doctor says "I can clearly see your nuts"

Score: 178

What's the worst thing about a woman's panties? Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

Score: 158

A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender looks at the steering wheel and asks, "Doesn't that bother you?" The pirate responds, "Yar it's driving me nuts."

Score: 147

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer nuts are $1.29 a bag.

Deer nuts are just under a buck.

Score: 143

A pirate walks into a bar... ...with a ships wheel on his crotch. One of the patrons says "Hey, you knw you got a ships wheel on your crotch, right?" To which the pirate replies "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Score: 142

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants The bartender looks at him and asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?"

The pirate looks down and says, "Arrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

Score: 130

A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

Score: 129

Archaeologists in Egypt have unearthed a tomb containing a mummy covered in chocolate & nuts. Excited they believe it is the remains of the long lost Pharaoh Roche.

Score: 128

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"

The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."

Score: 124

Why is C afraid of D? Because DEEZ NUTS!

Score: 120

Women are like a box of chocolates You never know which ones gonna have nuts

Score: 111

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? You can get one beer nut for $1.35, but two deer nuts are just under a buck

Score: 102

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says "Hey Pirate, you've a got a steering wheel coming out of the front of your pants!"

The pirate says "Argh, it's driving me nuts."

Score: 101

I just found out that Archeologist were recently digging in the Pyramids of Egypt and found a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts on site identified the mummy as Pharaoh Roche.

Score: 88

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2? Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Score: 74

Life is like a box of chocolates... Sometimes you just end up with nuts in your mouth.

Score: 71

My friend told me about a wonder food that he discovered that contains protein, fiber, and good fats That's nuts, I told him

Score: 61

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are always under a buck

Score: 61

What does a robot do on a one night stand? He nuts and bolts

Score: 59

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants... And the bartender asks "what's wrong?"

The man replied "I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

Score: 53

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants. Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.

Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.

Score: 52

What is it called when a robot has a one night stand? Nuts and bolts.

Score: 51

Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards

Score: 49

New Nuts Jokes

A man walks into a psychiatrists office. He's completely naked and wrapped in cling film. The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Score: 7

Have y'all heard of the ancient Greek hero Bophades? He was a lot like Achilles, he had one weakness. Except it wasn't his heal, it was his groin. You may have heard the term Achilles heel, but have you heard of Bophades Nuts?

Score: 13

He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish He who stands with holes in pockets feels nuts

Score: 10

What's yellow and eats nuts? Syphilis

Score: 19

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says, “hey, you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants.”

“Ayy, matey. And it’s drivin’ me nuts.”

Score: 5

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts cost $1.39 and deer nuts are under a buck.

Score: 5

**What did hurricane Irma say to the coconut palm tree?** Hold on to your nuts this ain't no ordinary blow job!!!

Score: 17

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office... A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing absolutely nothing but a pair of shorts made out of saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're (your) nuts!'

Score: 6

I know a botanist who does research on nuts. He works in macademia.

Score: 31

Two almonds Two almonds walk into a bar. They order 20 tequila shots each.

Bartender says: "What are you guys, nuts?"

Score: 6

Turns out Michael Jackson actually died from food poisoning My sources tell me he ate 12 year old nuts

Score: 9

Why isn't Bruno Mars named Bruno Snickers? Because he doesn't have the nuts.

Score: 18

How does Bob the Builder have a one night stand? He nuts and bolts

Score: 6

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts will cost you $1.39.

Deer nuts are under a buck.

Score: 7

I was considering going on an all almond diet. But that's just nuts.

Score: 28

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $2.99, but, deer nuts are under a buck.

Score: 40

Life is like a box of chocolates. If you're allergic to nuts, you might die.

Score: 8

What do nuts say when they sneeze? Cashew!

Score: 10

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts? Beer Nuts are $1.50.

Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Score: 48

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran-wrap... The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see your nuts".

Score: 6

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? One costs 2 dollars, and the other is under a buck.

Score: 9

Did ya hear about the naked man in seran wrap? He went to the psychiatrist.
The doc said "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Score: 4

What does a mechanic looking for a one night stand do? He nuts and bolts

Score: 14

A pirate walks into a bar..... with a peg leg, a parrot on his shoulder, and a steering wheel on his pants.

The bartender says, "Hey, you've got a steering wheel on your pants."

The pirate says, "Arrrr, I know. It''s driving me nuts."

Score: 39

A guy walks into his psychiatrist's office The guy's wearing only plastic wrap for underwear. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can see your nuts."

Score: 13

M&M's Came out with a Honey Flavor. They coated the peanuts in the Peanut M&M's with honey.

They called them "Beez Nuts"

Score: 5

My local ice cream man was found dead this morning. He was covered in nuts, sprinkles and raspberry sauce.

Apparently he topped himself.

Score: 7

Why is Ricky the Robot a bad lover? Shortly after he sticks it in, he nuts and bolts.

Score: 6

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel for a belt buckle Bar tender says "I like the belt buckle"
Pirate replies "Arrgh, it's drivin me nuts"

Score: 10

What does a mechanic do when he has a one night stand? Screws, nuts, and bolts!

Score: 15

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants... bartender asks him " what's up with that steering wheel, that can't be comfortable"?

Pirate says "yahr, it's drivin' me nuts"!

Score: 4

I like my women how I like my chocolate... No nuts.

Score: 9

Today I met a man who said that everything in the universe was made up of pistachios, almonds and cashews. But that's just nuts.

Score: 4

What do you call two mental patients in bed together? Two nuts in the sack.

Score: 4

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office? I can clearly see you’re nuts.

Score: 28

A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says, "Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer crotch there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

Score: 8

What does a robot do with his first girlfriend? He nuts and bolts

Score: 28

What did Bruce Wayne say to the hungry squirrel? YOU WANNA GET NUTS?

C'mon, let's get nuts.

Score: 6

How to add extra fun during your amusement park ride ? Carry some extra nuts and bolts with you.

as soon as the ride begins, Tap on the shoulder of the guy in front of you. Show them the nuts and bolts and ask

"Are these from your seat ? "

Score: 24

I walked into my psychiatrist's office today wearing only Saran wrap underwear… The doctor took one look at me and said, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Score: 17

A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.

Score: 24

An oak tree walks into a bar. Nuts on a woman, barks something inappropriate, and leaves.

Score: 8

Don't make fun of my midget girlfriend I'm nuts over her.

Score: 10

A pirate walks into a bar A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asks "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Yar, it's driving me nuts!"

Score: 5

A pirate walks into a bar The bartender says to him:

"Hey pirate, are you aware there's a steering wheel coming from your zipper?"

The pirate replies:

"AARRGHH matey, it's drivin' me nuts!"

Score: 4

The Pirates pants A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says to him "why have you got a steering wheel on your pants isn't that annoying".

The Pirate says "Aye its driving me nuts".

Score: 6

I have a steering wheel in my pants.. ..It's driving me nuts!

Score: 4

Did you hear about the car mechanic who was in a brief relationship and then left? There was an article in the newspaper.
MECHANIC NUTS AND BOLTS

Score: 12

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)

Score: 6

What does a mechanic do at a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

Score: 7

A pirate walks into a bar.. With a wheel on his crotch. The bar tender says
"Aye, what's with the wheel?"

Pirate says "arrrrrghhhhhh, it be driving me nuts"

Score: 6

I played a blank CD full blast on repeat all night last night. The mime next door went nuts!

Score: 15

What's green and eats nuts? Syphillis

Score: 4

What animal do psychiatrists bring in to mental hospitals to help patients with social anxiety? Squirrels; they're the best at getting nuts out of their shells.

Score: 4

A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his crotch... The bartender asks, "What's that hangin' off ye?"

The pirate responds, "arrr! I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

Score: 8

A nude man walks into a doctor's office. A nude man walks into a doctor's office wrapped in Cellophane from head to toe.

The doctor says, "Well, clearly I can see your nuts."

Score: 18

Where does almond and cashew milk come from? Crazy cows. They have to be nuts.

Score: 24

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office... Wearing nothing but seran wrap. The doctor looked at the man and replied, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Score: 4

Winter- Pros: Chestnuts roasting. Cons: Deez nuts freezing.

Score: 6

A joke my granpda tells to me every time I see him A pirate walks into a bar and sits down. He orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and says "sir do you know there's a steering wheel in your pants" the pirate replies "yarr, its driving me nuts"

Score: 45