Old Woman Jokes

How do you get an 80-year-old woman to yell, "F**k"? You get another 80-year-old woman right next to her to yell, "Bingo!"

An old woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

A reporter interviewed a 103-year-old woman. "And what is the best thing about being 103?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman? A 4 year old's favourite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favourite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers. “I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”

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“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

How do you get an 80 year old woman to say f***? Have another 80 year old woman yell "bingo!"

An old woman drinks whisky for the first time. She thinks for a while, and then says: “Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!”

What does a 74 year old woman taste like? Depends.

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

A 95 year old man and a 93 year old woman file for divorce. Lawyer: Why divorce now after all this time together?
Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

What do you call a 27 year old woman in Mississippi? Grandma

An old woman goes to the doctor's office... ....The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."

What does it taste like when you eat out an 80 year old woman? Depends...

An old woman's husband dies She wants to kill herself but she can't find her heart so she goes to the doctor and asks him, "Doctor where is my heart?" The doctor says, "Right behind your left breast." She goes home gets naked and shoots herself in the knee.

How do you get an 80 year-old woman to swear? How do you get an 80 year-old woman to yell "F*ck"?

You get another 80 year-old woman next to her to yell "BINGO"

What does eating out an 86yr old woman taste like? Depends..

Why did the old woman fall into the well Because she couldn't see that well

Today I gave a blind old woman my seat on the bus. That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Did you hear about the old woman named able? Every time someone insulted her, she broke their legs.



Thats how everyone learned not to diss able

Q:What does it taste like when you go down on an 80 year old woman? A:Depends

An old woman is upset at her husband's funeral . . . "You have him in a blue suit, and I wanted him in a brown suit," she cried.



The mortician says, "We'll take care of it ma'am," and yells to the back, "Ed, switch the heads on two and four!"

It was really romantic to see an 85 year old man and 77 year old woman who were a couple for 65 years. It was horrifying when I did the math.

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman? A 4 year old's favorite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favorite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

Why did the old woman fall down the well? Because she didn’t see that well

An old woman goes to the dentist... ...takes off all her clothes and spreads her legs.
The dentist says "I think you have the wrong room..."
"You put in my husband's teeth last week", she replies. "Now you have to remove them."

A reporter is interviewing a 104 year old woman... ....and asks:"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?"

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, "I think you have the wrong room." "You put in my husband's teeth last
week," she replied. "Now you have to
remove them."

What does an 80 year old woman have between her thighs that an 18 year old woman doesn't? Her nipples.

Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"

What did the old woman who lived in the shoe do when her kids moved out? She moved into a flat.

A man threw milk at an old woman before... I said how dairy

An old woman is visiting the doctor "Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.

"About 2 cm under the nipples." the doctor answers.

Headline of the newspaper on the next day:

"Woman tried to commit suicide. Shot herself in the knee instead."

What do you say to an old woman with a jug of protein? No one ma'am should have all that powder

An old woman just kept using all her pokemon up I guess that's just what happens when old women go through metapods.

An old woman suffers a heart attack on a United flight... Looking panicked, a flight attendant asks if there are any doctors on the aircraft.
One man stands up, 'Yes, do you need me to do something?'

'Yes, get off the aircraft please.'

I met an old woman the other day who started telling me about her four sons. "Their names are Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Jack."

"Jack?", I said. "Why not Moe?"

She just looked at me grumpily. "Cause I didn't want no Moe!"

An old couple prepares to go to sleep... The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"
The old woman replies, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."