Opening Jokes

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic... He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

I thought opening a door for a woman was polite But she just screamed and flew out of the plane

I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it... "Get a load of this guy"

Why should you always knock on your fridge door before opening it? Because there could be an Italian dressing inside.

Thinking about opening up a sperm bank in New Jersey. Gonna call it: "Get a load of this guy over here!".

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

Whats the difference between me and Jimmy Fallon? I can get through his opening monologue without laughing

My brother asked if i could help him come up with a way to advertise the new vacation resort he was opening up. I said "Brochure."

Opening a gym... Gonna focus on power walking & door knocking. I'll call it "Jehovah's Fitness"

Why should you always knock on the refrigerator door before opening it? There might be a salad dressing.

The Ukrainian government is opening up a tourist attraction in Chernobyl. It will be like Disney World, except the six foot tall mouse is real.

My wife got angry with me for opening a door for her. It almost made me lose control of the car.

I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" A kid meal is £250

I Thought Opening A Door For A Lady Was The Polite Thing To Do But She Just Screamed And Flew Out Of The Airplane

Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date. When he found her naked, he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."

Did you hear about the epileptic midget opening a pizza shop? It's called Little Seizures.

I'm opening a restaurant called "whatever" It'll immediately be every girlfriend's favourite spot.

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?" "Run-CMD"


(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

I thought about opening up a cemetery... but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.

Dating a stripper is like opening a bag of chips in church eveybody looks at you in disgust but deep inside they all want some.

Why should you always knock before opening the Fridge? Incase there is a salad dressing.

I applied for work at a furniture factory and they said they had an opening for someone to inspect the mirrors. I told them, "That's a job I could really see myself doing"

I freaked out the electrician by opening the door naked. I couldn’t tell what gave him a bigger shock – whether the fact that I was naked, or that I got into his house.

Opening a new restaurant, focusing on gourmet noodles and spaghetti. We're also going to offer free delivery. We're calling it Send Noods

What is the similitude between and air conditioner and a computer? Opening windows makes both less efficient.

A couple friends and I are opening a chicken wings restaurant called the "Right Wing Cafe." We don't actually sell any wings, we just complain about other wing places.

Did you hear that Dollar Tree is opening a store in the U.K? They're naming it pound town.

I thought opening the door for a lady is a polite thing to do... But she just screamed and flew out of the plane.

My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control. I told her it’s because it’s child-proof.

Opening a new Pho restaurant that never closes Going to call it Twenty Pho Seven.

What do you get for opening the BEST Vietnamese soup joint in London? A great big pho queue.

What do you call a muslim opening a bar in Hawaii? Aloha Snackbar.

I watched this documentary about retina surgery.. It was eye opening.

A guy is opening a donut shop next to a medical marijuana shop... He’s calling it “Glazed and Confused”.

I did terribly in my quantum physics class, but still got an "A" and I also got an "F"
I'm not opening my report card.

I had surgery to change myself from Asian to Caucasian. It was a real eye opening experience

Aaron Hernandez's lawyers had him looking forward to prison. The told him it would be just like playing football again and that he would still have a lot of large men opening holes for him.

I'm opening a Comedy Club on the beach. Comic Sands.