Secretary Jokes

Trump calls Angela Merkel's office... Trump calls Angela Merkel's office. Secretary answers.

Trump: ”What’s the time difference between Washington and Berlin”?

Secretary: ”Just a second, Mr. President…”

Trump: ”Thanks” <click>

My secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her blouse at lunch today when she said, "Remember, you have
a wife."

Invisible... A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

My secretary doesn't wear any bra or panties to work. But he types really well.

"Honey, I have to confess something", said the husband on his deathbed "...I have cheated on you multiple times with you best friend, your sister, my secretary and a side piece"

Wife: "Sshhh, it's okay babe. Just relax and let the poison work"

I’ve lost count of the number of times my secretary has been late, so I’m finally doing something about it. From now on I’m using condoms.

Trump chose his Secretary of Defence But who will be Secretary of De Wall?

What kind of secretary is the best secretary? One that never misses a period.

CEO asks the VP: “ Hey, have you been boning my new secretary?” VP says: “No!”.

CEO: “Good, then YOU fire her.”

Secretary's day is very important to me. If it weren't for secretaries, I wouldn't have a stepmom.

A lawyer was confused and hassled with mathematics of a case... ... So he asked his secretary:
"If I give you USD 3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary: "Everything Sir! Dress, Underwear, Everything."

The secretary keeps hearing music coming from the printer... I think the paper is jamming.

Wife: Can my husband come in with me? Wife: Can my husband come in with me?


Doctor: Don't worry I'm a respected doctor.


Wife: But my husband isn't, and he's staying out there alone with your secretary.

Problems... Husband: Honey, I have a problem
Wife: Don't say "you" have a problem, instead say "we", remember your problems are my problems too, honey.
Husband: Ok, "our" secretary is having a baby that' is "ours".

Who will be in charge of Trump's border wall? The Secretary of Da' Fence!

Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?" He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby."

I just got a job typing capital letters for a one-armed secretary She's really nice, but I can't stand the shift work.

“I’m here to see the doctor.” Secretary: “Which doctor?”

“I suppose, if the real doctor is booked.”

Good news / bad news The lawyer looked at his client and said, "I've got good news and bad news. Your wife has found a picture worth $1 million."

"Well, that's amazing!" exclaimed the client, "but what's the bad news?"

"It's a picture of you and your secretary."

Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come” Secretary: “Doctor the invisible man has come. He says he has an appointment.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can"t see him.”

What's the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary? A good one says, "*Good morning.*"

A great one says, "*It's morning.*"

-Honey, I have some problems at work. Wife:
-Now there. Not "I" but "we"! When we got married your problems became my problems. What's wrong?
Me:
-Well then OUR secretary is expecting OUR child.

The Boss asks his secretary for some paper Secretary: A4 paper right?

Boss: No, A for apple.

A girl and her mom are in a car. Girl: "Why is my name Rose?"

Mom: "Your dad loves roses."

Girl: "Why is my brother named Robin?"

Mom: "Your dad loves the bird."

Girl: "Then why is my sister named Secretary?"

Mom: "That's why we are driving away from home."

Best Secretary A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I gave you $1,500 minus 3%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate for Secretary of Low Energy.

I'm glad that DeVos was confirmed as education secretary. Now I don't have to worry about my grandkids being able to read some of my dumbest Facebook posts... or anything else, for that matter.

What's the difference between a good secretary and a personal secretary? One says "Good morning, boss !".

The other says " It's morning, boss !"

abortion bill President Bush is sitting in the oval office when a secretary comes in and hands him a slip of paper. Bush asks what it is, and the secretary replies "it's the abortion bill. What do you want to do with it?" "Just go ahead and pay it".

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary and he shouted at him... Boss - "Is this what I pay you for?"
The manager - "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

The secretary of defense is telling the president a joke Secretary: Knock Knock

President: Who’s there?

Secretary: 9/11

President: 9/11 who?

Secretary: You said you would never forget

Sorry if it’s a repost. I haven’t seen it on here yet.

Ben Carson was asked why he didn't want to be Secretary of State. He answered: "to...me....everyone...seems...like...they...are...always...Russian."

Monica Lewinski could’ve been a great White House secretary... Too bad she blew that opportunity

Hitler had a half-deaf secretary..... Hitler is fuming furious one day, he called his half-deaf secretary to his office after recieving some news. He yells, "Glass of juice, not gas the jews!"

A psychiatrists secretary walked into his study... And said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded...

"Tell him I can't see him."

Did you hear of Trump's new cabinet position for border security? The Secretary of De Fence.

A secretary walks into Churchill's office "Mr. Churchhill you are drunk!"
he replies:
"And you are ugly, but tomorrow i will be sober."

A boss forwards an email to his secretary and inquires whether it is from his lawyer or his tailor. The email read: SUIT IS READY, TRIAL ON MONDAY.

(Psychiatrist's office) There's a man who thinks he's invisible. Secretary: "Sir, there's a man outside who thinks that he's invisible."

Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."