Hilarious Sleep Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Sleep Jokes

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!". Always Tolkien in her sleep...

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Its funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

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Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

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Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.

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My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.

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This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

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My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

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Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

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Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? Because there's no rest for the wicked.

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I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

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Where does a spy sleep? Under covers.

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I sleep better naked Why can't this flight attendant understand that?

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What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep? Roman Catholic.

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Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need: just five more minutes

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Is it ok to sleep with a second cousin? It must be, because the first one didn't seem to mind.

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Why did the Native American sleep in the hotel lobby? He didn't have a reservation.

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My girlfriend’s parents are very religious… The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

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Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

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I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight" Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".

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Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

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I sleep better naked... ...why cant the flight attendant understand that?

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My girlfriend started reading Bill Cosby's biography... But it put her to sleep.

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My girlfriend's parents are very religious The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? Ah, this one got me good :D

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Some mornings I wake up bitchy... Other mornings I let her sleep.

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“Stewardess” “Yes, Sir?”

“I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can’t see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can’t sleep.”

“Captain, shut up and land the plane.”

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Just because you sleep with someone named Stormy doesn't make you an expert on the weather... Mr. President.

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My wife once asked me if I would ever sleep with her sister if we split up. “Which sister?” is not the correct answer.

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I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep. Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

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I think it's interesting how people sleep differently I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town

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A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull. I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

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What's the main difference between light and hard? I can go to sleep with a light on

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There's something crazy I really want to try in bed.. Getting 8 hours of sleep

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Wouldn't you all agree that you just sleep better naked? I don't understand why the flight attendant was yelling at me...

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She told me she was too classy to sleep with a married man... Something I wish she'd mentioned before our honeymoon.

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When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

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My marriage counselor asked if it was true that I generally wake up grumpy in the morning I said, "Nah, most of the time I just let her sleep"

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I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep It’s called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

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New Sleep Jokes

What do you call a priest who walks in his sleep? A roaming Catholic

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I asked my girlfriend if I was the only one she slept with. She said: "Yes, I didn't sleep with the others"

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Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books. My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

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I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.

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A couple of guys stole hundreds of cans of Red Bull from our neighborhood store. I don’t know how they can sleep at night.

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What's the difference between 'Lamp' and 'Hard'? I can sleep with a lamp on.

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If you're a criminal and you go camping with EA, don't forget to bring something to sleep in... ... or they'll make you pay for the extra con tent

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Don’t ever take sleeping pills and laxatives at the same time... Because if you do, you’ll sleep like a baby...

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I had a dream last night I invented Lord of the Rings. I was Tolkien in my sleep.

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I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.

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I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like Grandma. Not screaming in panic like the passengers of her car.

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I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man

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My last girlfriend said I'm great in bed. I can sleep for days

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When I pass away, I want to pass away like my grandfather who passed away peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

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A guy told his neighbor "Close the window when you sleep with your wife cause I saw you yesterday" His neighbor laughed and said " I wasn't even home yesterday dumbass!"

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Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out. I figured I'd sleep on it.

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I just stayed up for 10 days straight I only sleep at night

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How did the mathematician sleep? Like a log

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Sleeping patterns It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

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When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa and not like the screaming, horrified people in his car.

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I have recently become a new man I don't drink, i smoke very rarely, i don't stare at girls, i go to sleep early, i wake up early and I work hard everyday. My supervisors are happy with me. I will definitely abandon this lifestyle once i get out of jail.

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Scientists have discovered exactly how much sleep an average person needs. Just 5 minutes more.

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A saw a kidnapping... I let him sleep.

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My parents told me not to give up on my dreams so I went back to sleep.

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I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird.... I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

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I saw a kidnapping in the park Pretty soon a policeman was there, he told the kid he's not allowed to sleep there.

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When I die, I want to go quietly in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in panic like his passengers.

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When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did, in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in the car.

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To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop, I don't know how you can sleep at night.

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It's funny how we all sleep differently... I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody... That sort of thing

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I only sleep with democrats. That way, I don't have to worry about the baby afterwards.

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I've always said that college students are a lot like koala bears They sleep 22 hours a day, and 90% of them have chlamydia.

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A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

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You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad... It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.

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What is it called when a kid refuses to sleep during nap time? Resisting a rest.

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I tried rocking my daughter to sleep She's not a big fan of Led Zeppelin, apparently.

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Just had a coffee and it was so black and rich, a Kardashian just tried to sleep with it.

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What's the difference between light and hard? It's easy to get to sleep with a light on

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Why don't keyboards sleep? Because they have 2 shifts.

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I bought a new mattress and reached for the stupid label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it. I decided to sleep on it.

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Last night my deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep... She almost took my eye out.

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I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

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When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

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I got a white noise machine to help me sleep... but it just keeps saying things like "I have many friends of different colors" and "I just wish America was like how it used to be."

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My girlfriends family is quite religious. I remember the first time i went to stay with her at parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame really because he's very attractive.

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I saw a kidnapping today But I decided to let him sleep.

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I had a dream last night that I was reading Lord of the Rings to people. Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep.

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When do you know it is time for the cows to go to sleep? When it is pasture bedtime.

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Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once? Fear of over dos

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Someone broke into my local corner shop and stole 30 cases of Red Bull last night Honestly, I don't know how these people sleep at night

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What does Bill Cosby have in common with Santa? They both come while you sleep

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Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when... The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap.

He said in a stern tone: "Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."

Jimmy retorted: "Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could."

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When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my dad did not screaming in terror like the passengers in his cab.

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My wife says that she still hears her grandmother's voice sometimes before she goes to sleep at night. But only when I forget to lock the basement.

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I wish to die peaceful and in sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and afraid like passengers in his bus.

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When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together. Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.

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How do you want it die? Personally, i want to go out as my grandpa.

Peacefully in his sleep. Unlike his passengers, screaming and crying.

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Husband has 6 months to live Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

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My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

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Advice to the worm Sleep in late!

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