Hilarious Some Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Some Jokes

White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”

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Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

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My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

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My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

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I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. It's nice to have some company.

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I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks It's nice to have a bit of company.

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My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!" I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

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I'm not passive aggressive. Unlike *some* people.

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I was very lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company.

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I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

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My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

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America sure is having some bad luck It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

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The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realised I only had a £20 note I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?". I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

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Some of us live thousands of miles away from most of our relatives and can't be with them this holiday season... ... Please don't be jealous

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A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

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If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

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In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.

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I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares. Now I have a bit of company.

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They say you are what you eat... today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough I was ready to eat chicken.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

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I was changing some fuses at Buzzfeed... ... Number 14 shocked me.

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Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too

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Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

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I took a video of my shoe yesterday. It was some pretty good footage

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Some day, Canada will take over the world. And then we'll all be sorry.

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During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"

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My wife just called me. She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

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Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar.... I said, is that a fret?

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What do Jewish pedophiles say? “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

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My wife gave me some bad news today "But," she said, "I bought your favorite soy sauce to help cheer you up."

"Great," I said. "Just Kikkoman when he's down, huh?"

I'm very soy for that pun. I'll just wok away now.

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My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

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An ego and a superego walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll have to see some id"

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I don't understand why some people say, "Taco Bell isn't real Mexican." It gets the job done for less than half the cost. That's about as Mexican as it gets.

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I'm not passive aggressive Unlike *some* people
Edit: thank you kindly for all the upvotes!

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My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day. So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

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I went to the Atlanta Falcons locker room to get some change for a dollar... But they only gave me 3 quarters.

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My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make some coffee.

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During a job interview yesterday I poured myself some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly.

"Nervous?" Said the interviewer.

"No" I said, "I always give 110%"

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New Some Jokes

Beethoven (to crowd): "Alright... are you guys READY FOR SOME SYMPHONIES?" Crowd: (*Cheers*)

Beethoven: "I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

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Some mystery person keeps adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

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What's a pregnant woman, a frozen beer, and a burnt pizza have in common? Some moron didn't pull it out.

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Got an email from boredhousewife423 saying she was looking for some action I sent her my laundry. That'll give her something to do

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If your girlfriend starts smoking.. Use some lubricant.

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JFK Assassination Document Release From what I hear, they reveal some pretty mind-blowing information

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A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

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My sister made me some coffee today Me: You make a mean cup of coffee, sis

Her: It was good?

Me: I just said it was average.

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Light travels faster than sound! That's why some people appear bright until they talk.

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I beat my wife and she immediately divorced me. Some people take Monopoly way too seriously.

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What can you say about your car, but not your girlfriend? She died last week, but I still use some of the parts

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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went out and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer

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I'll often test new jokes for my set by posting them to /r/jokes The only downside is when I tell them on stage some dude in the back yells out "REPOST!"

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down, and maybe use some lubricant.

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I have some sausage and cheese for emergencies... But I will only use them in a wurst käse scenario

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I should never have given my real email address to Rolex. Now I'm forever placed on some kind of watch list.

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Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

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Every family has that weird, slightly perverted uncle. Not me, though! I just have some really hot nieces who won't let me buy them beer.

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However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order. A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

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Some say filling animals with helium is wrong But I say whatever floats your goat

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Why is net neutrality so important? Somebody tell me, please! My ISP won't let me access the info for some reason.

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I lost some eys rom my eyboard. uc

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I tried to take some High Res pictures of my farmland and fields. They still came out pretty grainy.

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Why do some couples not go to the gym together? Because not all relationships work out.

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A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

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Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32 It's simple meth

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A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That is true in every country, son."

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Some people are like slinkies They don't really have a purpose but it still brings a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs

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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

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I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length… Must be some kind of milestone…

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If you're genuinely asking me to choose between my career as a reporter and our relationship Well then I've got some news for you

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My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine… So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…

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Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland. When they see a sign at an intersection.

"Disneyland left" ←

so they went back home.

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Any bug can hit a windshield.. But it takes some guts to stick.

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I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

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I just booked some cheap seats from United. They were in the nosebleed section.

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My graphing calculator works really well... Some would say it functions perfectly.

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Everyone pees in the pool... But you do it once from the high dive and you're some sort of monster.

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My wife and I found some S&M videos on my son's computer... "What should we do?"

"Well, we can't spank him."

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Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway… I'll play golf wherever I want!

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I love relaxing with some sand paper It's just a little something to take the edge off

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My brother always gets mad when I mess with his red wine So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now he's sangria than ever...

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My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead if killing it. We had some drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

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Three blondes found some tracks... The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"

The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"

The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"

And that was when the train hit them.

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I was feeling lonely I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

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I hate breakups. Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".

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A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."

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I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

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Is there some kind of platonic version of Tinder? Asking for a friend.

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If I had a dollar for every gender... I'd have $2 and some monopoly money...

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I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance ... So I pushed him over

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I just bought some £300 noise cancelling headphones for my wife. But i can still hear her.

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A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator... And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.

The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."

The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"

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If Donald Trump wins I'm going back to Africa For some political stability..

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A programmer goes on a walk A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

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EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"

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I heard some guy tell two horrible Malaysian Airline jokes The first one got no response, and the second one was shot down in flames.

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I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

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Some kids called me fatty as I walked down the street today. I just turned the other chin.

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