Contents
Contents
I dated a girl in a wheelchair
She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.
I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"
Why must 8 always stand up? If it lies down, it's forever.
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one stupid student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're stupid?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"
I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian I can stand up, now all I need is comedy
To all the people who stand up as soon as the plane has landed... You must suffer from premature evacuation.
If there are any idiots in the room, stand up...
...said the teacher.
After a while, one student stood up.
"Now then, why do you consider yourself an idiot?"
"Well, actually I don't" said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."
There's this wheelchair bound kid that gets bullied alot. It's really sad cause he can't seem to stand up for himself.
I told my mom I wanted to become a stand up comedian. She laughed.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? It's two tired.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired.
I'm not racist. I always stand up for black people. It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.
I'm surprised so many people stand up against vaccinating their kids. I thought the Polio would have prevented that.
Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to do stand up comedy Well, no one's laughing now
Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own? Because it's too tired.
Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own?
It was two-tired.
*Slaps knee*
*Prosthetic leg falls off*
I quit being a stand up comedian... Every time I performed people would just laugh at me
What do you call an Iguana that can't stand up straight? Ereptile Dysfunction.
One thing a paralyzed person can not do is? Stand up comedy
The guy will stand up to get knocked down But the girl will lie down to get knocked up
Why can't bikes stand up on their own? They are two tired.
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it's two tired.
Why do eco-activists make horrible stand up comedians? They consistently refuse to use anything but recycled material.
Why couldn't the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired.
I really hate being a comedian so I broke my legs Guess who’s not doing stand up comedy
"Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?" Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? It was two tired...
Why are crippled people always picked on? Because they can't stand up for themselves
Im a stand up comedian and magician... One joke and the audience disappears!
Why couldn't the bike stand up on its own? It was two tired!
Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was too tired.
My bicycle can't stand up by itself. I'm sure that it is two tired.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? Because it was two tired.
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up? Because it was two tired
Why does everyone make fun of the cripple kid? Because he can't stand up for himself.
What has two legs and can't stand up? Half a cat
I coult figure out why my bike wouldn't stand up on it's own Then I realized it was two tired.
Why do disabled people hate Pixar? Because they can't stand Up.
These national anthem protests are getting out of hand. Even the U.S. paralympics team won't stand up for the national anthem.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
PS: Saw this somewhere on Facebook not my original.
What do you call it when an iguana gets too old and can't stand up on its own any more? A reptile disfunction.
Do you know why persident Trump is a fan of Pfizer? He can't read well enough to differentiate between election and erection, and thinks if he just buys enough blue pills, the erectoral college will stand up for him
I saw the funniest two person stand up comedy act last night!! Definitely not gonna miss the next *presidential debate*
I was doing stand up comedy at my school's ceremony They thought I was used as an example by the drug awareness campaign
My disabled friend told me a joke. It wasn’t funny, I guess he’s not a stand up comedian
Why couldn’t the stand up comedian sit down? Because he had haemorrhoids
A list of two things people in wheelchairs hate:
Stand up comedy
Stairs
I tried doing stand up comedy as a paraplegic It didn’t work out
My friend told me about some new socks that help you stand up more. I said “I don’t understand.”
I used to want to do stand up comedy. Both my legs and dreams were crushed the next day
I saw a kid at my school who didn't stand up for the National anthem I went to him and kicked him right out of his wheel chair
Why did the Middle Eastern kid stand up on the table and smoke a joint? He was trying to establish a high-iraqi
A Terrorist Tries Stand Up Comedy for the First Time... Let's just say he was the bomb.
I took my blind friend to go see stand up comedy once after the viewing had ended, he told me that the jokes were so old, lame, and boring that even he could have seen them coming.
A Jedi would make a terrible stand up comedian. Their jokes would always feel forced...
How come bikes can never stand up by them selves? They are always too tired.
I always thought Air Force would make great stand up shows... Their delivery is the bomb!
A husband and wife go and watch a stand up comedian
At one point he's going on about how you should know all the small things about your wife. "Do you even know what your wifes favourite flower is?"
The husband leans over and says "Is it self-rasing flour"?
My paraplegic son was complaining about how people pick on him all of the time. I told him to stand up for himself.
Why was Lorena Bobbitt found not guilty? Because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court...
What if Stephen Hawking is the real slim shady But we never knew because he can't stand up.
Did you hear about the stand up with the banana's stand up act? I heard it was a-peeling!
My friend that lost both his legs has always wanted to be a comedian... But he can't stand up...
"Stand up for what you believe in" What if I believe in sitting down?
What do you do if you get lost in an Icelandic forest? Stand up
Did you hear about the hair dryer that tried stand up comedy? He blew it
My leg is going to be removed tomorrow. What's something I should do while I still have it? Stand up comedy.
I bought a Rolex before trying & failing at stand up comedy. Apparently you need more than impeccable timing.
My Journey from $60k College Debt to $115k Net Worth & 816 Credit Score. And all thanks to this community! I started stand up and got beat up. Settlement has been a blessing!
A murderer tried stand up comedy and he killed it.
What if Steven hawking is the real slim shady We'll never know because he can't stand up
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
I went to this party full of stand up comedians The only way to get a drink was to wait for the punch line.
looking for a great stand up comedy show? just watch the GOP debate
Funniest Jokes
New Jokes