Hilarious Surgeon Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Surgeon Jokes

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I'll kill him... ...with my bear hands...

Score: 3285

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Score: 2275

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic." The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

Score: 1860

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana". It's hard on your joints.

Score: 1541

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

Score: 1045

My mother always used to say, "The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman... ...useless surgeon.

Score: 585

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ? Apparently it was an inside joke

Score: 348

Two surgeons are laughing during an operation when a dermatologist walks by... "What's so funny?" asks the dermatologist.

"Sorry, it's a inside joke." replies the surgeon.

Score: 129

My wife always says the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach… Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

Score: 60

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His hand slipped.

Score: 55

A Spine surgeon's to-do list 1) Get back to work!

Score: 38

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I lost my job as a surgeon. Apparently, I shouldn't have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Score: 34

If I ever find the surgeon who screwed up my transplant I'll kill him... With my bear hands

Score: 29

Surgeon: “Just relax, Michael. It’s just a small surgery.” Patient: “My name isn’t Michael.”

Surgeon: “I know, my name is Michael.”

Score: 27

Self service in the OR Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.

Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.”

Score: 24

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

Score: 21

Did you hear about the brain surgeon who was thinking of performing a brain transplant on himself? He ended up having a change of mind.

Score: 20

I know a surgeon that puts ograns back in upsidedown I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.

Score: 20

I just spoke to my lazy eye surgeon. I wish he was more energetic.

Score: 19

My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon

Score: 19

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel. It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

Score: 19

Did you hear about the surgeon who botched a vasectomy? he got the sack

Score: 16

Wanted: Circumcision surgeon $700 per week, plus tips.

Score: 15

Why did the Skeleton turned down the chance to be a surgeon?? Because it didn't have the stomach for it.

Score: 12

I went to the eye surgeon the other day and you won't guess who i bumped into. Everyone!

Score: 12

Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

Score: 11

You ever take something apart, poke around inside and put everything back only to realize you’ve left some parts out? It’s why I’m not a surgeon anymore

Score: 11

I'm a surgeon/mailman Overall I do a lot of de-livering

Score: 11

So... I went to the doctors surgeon and he said to me “pick a star sign, any star sign.” So I said “Capricorn” and he said “Nah you’ve got cancer.”

Score: 11

Never open up your heart to a cardiac surgeon... Let them do it for you. It's their job.

Score: 10

What is the difference between a Dentist and Brain Surgeon? A slip of the knife.

Score: 10

What did the patient say to the surgeon prodding at his tumor? Hey, cut it out!

Score: 7

My plastic surgeon didn't even recognize me after the surgery I guess he's just terrible with faces

Score: 7

surgeon's disappointing holiday A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing"' he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

Score: 5

What do you call a brain surgeon that got a C average in college? A brain surgeon. I hope your surgery goes well!

Score: 4

What did the Cannibal Hysterectomy Surgeon have for dinner? Left Ovaries.

Score: 4

What man knows the way to a girl's heart more than any other? A surgeon.

Score: 3

What happened to the bad circumcision surgeon? He got the sack

Score: 3

I once knew a guy who went to school to become a surgeon, but he lost his bottom two fingers in an accident Now he’s a gynecologist

Score: 3

New Surgeon Jokes

Martin walks up to the altar with his reconstructive surgeon groom. He muttered: "This wasn't what I meant when I said Mary me"

Score: 0

Why did the orthopaedic surgeon laugh when she broke her arm. Because it was humerus.

Score: 2

What did the surgeon have to go to when he was at the start of his career? An Open Mike.

Score: 1

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "David," he said, "don't worry. Remain calm. This is just a minor surgery." The patient replied, "my name is not David." "I know," the surgeon said. "My name is David."

Score: 2

What do you call an eeve that went through medical school? A Surgeon

Score: 3

My surgeon friend said he has my back Though I wish he would put it back

Score: 2

What is the worst part of getting a circumcision Realizing the surgeon doesn’t keep any tips

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What was the plastic surgeon's favorite video game? Altered Breast

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What do you call a surgeon who is post-call? Surgeoff

Score: 2

What's the difference between a plastic surgeon and a school inspector? A plastic surgeon tucks features...

Score: 3

I was a plastic surgeon for a short time. My son's Action Man needed repairing.

Score: 3

I just had a successful liver transplant operation. That surgeon really de-livered!

Score: 2

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime distrust towards my heart surgeon.

Score: 3

The head surgeon shouted at me for accidentally severing the patient's spine. I think I struck a nerve.

Score: 3

I had my appendix removed a few years ago... I hope I never need surgery again. If I do, how will the surgeon be able to find anything in my body?

Score: 1

Today I overheard a duck arguing with a plastic surgeon about money Apparently he was trying to get his bill reduced.

Score: 2

At one time I was a heart surgeon... ...but I was only in it for a short stent.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the guy who had the wrong leg amputated? Because the surgeon screwed up - he ended up losing both legs!

But he lost in court. The judge told him he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Score: 2

I am a non-unionized brain surgeon... AMA

Score: 2

I talked to the surgeon general today He offered me a pack of cigarettes.

Score: 1

I shadowed an opthamolologic surgeon today. The experience was really eye opening.

Score: 2