Hilarious Table Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Table Jokes

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 20851

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted? Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

Score: 14703

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

A cat walks into a bar. The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Score: 5284

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

Score: 2373

A mummy calls a restauraunt. - Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

Score: 1957

How to be insulting A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 1896

A man cheats with his wife's sister Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

Score: 1822

Nice Legs.. A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 1780

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she’s never... ...playing Scrabble with me again.

Score: 1361

I was banging this nice lady... I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every
day.

Score: 1169

These times are harder on people with disabilities. My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

Score: 1094

Score: 1045

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 983

"What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table

Score: 958

A banker, a worker and an immigrant An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".

Score: 930

I was banging this nice lady………. I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Score: 699

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night and brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 642

Why do midgets make bad parents? Cause they struggle to put food on the table

Score: 548

As I looked into her eyes... ...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

Score: 520

I went to a bar last night and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Wow, great legs."

She giggled and said "Really?"

I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

Score: 497

I had a job interview... ...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

Score: 455

A toast Wife at the dinner table: Please toast some bread for me.
The lazy husband raised his wine glass and said, "To bread."

Score: 410

Hellen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table, and then a stool.

Score: 385

I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table... I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 381

What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table

Score: 295

I waved the waitress over to our table. I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

Score: 291

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 274

One day, Obi-Wan and Luke visit a Chinese restaurant... Obi-Wan is eating normally, but Luke is having so much trouble with the chopsticks he's spilling the food all over the table.

Eventually, Obi-Wan becomes angry and says, "Use the forks, Luke!"

Score: 269

I went to a restaurant. Every table was occupied with couples,
there was no seat vacant.
I took out my phone and said loudly
"Dude, your girlfriend is here with someone else. Come here fast."

9 girls left their seats for me.

Score: 261

Which knight did King Arthur leave in charge of constructing the round table? Sir Cumference

Score: 184

Arthur: "That's a nice round table. Who built that?" Knight: "Sir Cumference"

Score: 159

Who build King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference

Score: 147

Why did the girl get the waitress job? You could say she brings a lot to the table....

Score: 129

I really hate my job as a waiter But it puts food on the table

Score: 124

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

Score: 110

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table... I needed a running start, but I did it!

Score: 100

Why does the Native American always get a table at the nicest restaurants? He has a reservation.

Score: 93

What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

Score: 83

What's the difference between a philosophy major and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family.

Score: 83

New Table Jokes

A pretty woman came up to me in a restaurant and asked if i was single I smiled happily and answered "yes"

she took the extra chair away from my table.

Score: 6

Why did the IRS officer arrest the prostitute at the dinner party? Because she was working under the table

Score: 11

What did the scientist say when a lump of gold jumped on to his periodic table? Ay You, get off my table!

Score: 7

I went to a Lord of the Rings themed restaurant. The food was horribly authentic and the waitress was as uglier than an Orc, but I have to give her credit. There was a table of 12 and it only took her ... ...one bring to gruel them all.

Score: 14

Who was the most popular knight of the round table? Sir Cumference

Score: 10

Who was the beefiest knight at King Arthur’s round table? Sir Loin

Score: 7

A blind man walked into a library And a table and a chair and people.

Score: 6

so I went to the bar last night and saw this fat girl dancing on a table... I said "Good legs." The girl giggled and said "You really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 68

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, and some chairs.

Score: 22

I auditioned for a musical about the periodic table I got the lead role!

Score: 59

Hellen Keller walked into a bar... Then a table, then a chair.

Score: 7

I wanted to post a periodic table joke... But all the good ones argon

Score: 11

Why does a window hurt more than a table? The window is double pane

Score: 9

My friend stole the book I was reading and threw it across the table where it slid with ease It was non-friction.

^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry.

Score: 11

A pessimist arrives at a restaurant for his date. He says, "A table for one, please."

Score: 9

Wow, nice legs! A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 63

My wife is very insistent on spooning in bed? But forking is apparently off the table

Score: 8

14 year old girls these days be like "I drink because I wanna forget." What are you trying to forget? The multiplication table?

Score: 14

A businessman, a worker, and a mexican are sitting around a table with 3 cookies on it The businessman takes 2 and says to the worker, "Watch out, that mexican is gonna steal your cookie."

Score: 6

What does AH stand for in the Periodic Table? The Element of Surprise

Score: 20

What was the name of the knight who built King Arthur's Round Table? Sir Cumference.

Score: 28

At a job interview, I sat down at at the table and in front of me was a pitcher of water and an empty cup. I poured too much and the cup started to overflow. "Nervous?" The interviewer asked me.
"No," I responded, "I always give 110%"

Score: 29

Helen Keller walked into a bar. Then a table, then a chair.

Score: 10

Who was the roundest knight at the round table? Sir Cumference, he had too much pi

Score: 42

SQL Three SQL databases walk into a bar... then they leave. Why?

They couldn't find a table.

Score: 6

A mummy phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I... The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?”

The mummy says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

Score: 13

I could see she was about to fold when I put my chips on the table… "Move them," my wife said, "I'm doing laundry."

Score: 47

What's big, green and if it falls out a tree it could kill you A pool table

Score: 52

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a tavern last night… And brought it to her friend's table…

Score: 18

What is fuzzy, has 4 legs and if it fell from a tree it would kill you? A pool table

Score: 15

How do you pay a midget? Under the table.

Score: 6

In today's economy what do Arts graduates bring to the table? Your lunch.

Score: 9

The periodic table just got one block smaller Scientists now say Plutonium is not a real element

Score: 12

When Kathy Griffin was 10 years old, she stood up at the dinner table and announced to her family that she was going to grow up and become a stand-up comedian. They all laughed in her face. No one is laughing now.

Score: 8

What's green has four legs and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table.

Score: 13

So Helen Keller walks into a bar... Then a table, then a chair.

Score: 30

My girlfriend reminds me of my pinky toe She's small, cute, and will probably end up getting banged on my coffee table tonight

Score: 45

So Helen Keller walks into a bar a table & a chair

Score: 10

If I was an element on the Periodic Table... ...I'd be a noble gas. I don't form bonds easily, if at all.

Score: 9

A QA engineer walks into a bar He buys a beer.

He buys 2 beers.

He buys 9999999999999999 beers.

He buys -1 beers.

he buys 0.1 beers.

He buys iguana beers.

he buys u9obgn;ufobefo6,.g beers.

he buys 2'); DROP TABLE *; beers.

Score: 6

Who was the fattest knight on King Arthur's Round Table? Sir Cumference

Score: 14

What's green and would kill you if it fell from a tree? A pool table.

Score: 12

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time. "Excuse me, I just need the toilet," I said, excusing myself from the table.

"Don't forget to spray the air freshener!" joked the dad.

I said, "No need. Cocaine doesn't smell."

Score: 47

Manager : So do you think you'd be a good waiter? Me : well, you could say I bring a lot to the table.

Score: 6

Dinner A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

Score: 9

An English speaker, a French speaker, a Spanish speaker, and a German speaker are in a park... ... when a man stands up on a table in front of them and asks if they can see him.
They all nod and say:
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."

Score: 15

*Interviewing for waiter position* I feel like I bring a lot to the table

Score: 38

I worked at a restaurant It didn't pay much, but at least it put food on the table.

Score: 8

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table. So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

Score: 17

My girlfriend is like ketchup. I always bang her on the table.

Score: 8

Helen Keller walks into a bar... Then a table, then a chair.

Score: 19

Who was the roundest knight at the King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference

Score: 6

I just got a new doorbell that when the button is pressed has a gorilla singing about table tennis. It's called The King Kong Ping Pong Sing Song Ding Dong

Score: 11

A man walks up to a girl in a bar and says "You remind me of my little toe" .
She says, "Is that because I'm small and cute?"
He says, "No, its because I'm going to bang you on the table later"

Score: 16

A Restaurent Manager is Interviewing a Potential Employee, and He Asks Why She'd Be a Good Waitress... She responds with this: "Well, I guess you could say I bring a lot to the table."

Score: 15

I was going to tell a Periodic table joke... ...But they all Argon

Score: 6

The color red walks over to the table where Blue and Purple are sitting "Sorry," says Blue, "you can't sit with us. You aren't cool enough."

Score: 5

Breaking: scientists sneak up on periodic table And add the element of surprise

Score: 35

Which element of the Periodic Table is the poorest? Antimony. ^I'm ^so ^sorry...

Score: 29

5 black people walk into a restaurant... And the first one says, "Table for three please."

Score: 25