Hilarious Tell Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Tell Jokes

Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888 So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678

Edit: Holy moly! Wake up to a shiny gold. Thank you kind stranger.

R.I.P inbox.

Score: 25791

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .

Score: 24914

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it’s always too soon.

^(i feel bad)

Score: 24614

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

Score: 21592

How do you get Donald Trump to change a lightbulb? You tell him Barack Obama installed it.

Score: 17308

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you that you need to be "saved" or else you'll "burn" Stupid firemen

Score: 16237

You can tell the gender of an ant by dropping it in water. If it sinks it's girl ant, If it floats it's boy ant.

Score: 14317

Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Score: 11929

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.” So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

Score: 10627

How do you tell if OP has left the hotel? Username checks out

Score: 10186

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant? One of them is an elephant

Score: 9472

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

Score: 9422

The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again. I can’t tell you how upset I am.

Edit: Thank you for the gold, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Score: 9266

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat? If she fits in your wife's clothes.

Score: 7675

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It’s bec..." Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Score: 7504

Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield? She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.

Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.

Score: 6474

One man's trash is another Man's treasure Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted.

Score: 6463

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?” The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

Score: 5151

Why are reposts always upvoted more than original jokes? You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.

Score: 4338

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

Score: 4271

Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a day. Tell a redditor a joke and he'll repost it for a lifetime

Score: 3745

I once dated a girl with a twin People ask me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock

Score: 3678

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs

Score: 2829

You meet a man on the Oregon trail... You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

Score: 2659

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

Score: 2641

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

Score: 2607

How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke? How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?

Score: 2598

If you’re having a bad day, just punch an orphan. Who are they going to tell? Their parents?

Score: 2565

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs.

Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

Score: 2449

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but, its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

Score: 2140

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame... ...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

Score: 2020

How do you confuse a feminist Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female

Edit: thanks I came back seeing a lot of upvote. This made my day

Score: 952

Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire? If it burns, it's a smart ant.

If it doesn't, it's retardant.

Score: 935

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference

Score: 833

A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid I love you.

Score: 794

My girlfriend's a pornstar. But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her.

Score: 733

You'll never hear a Hindu tell a Yo Mamma joke... They consider cows to be sacred.

Score: 721

A woman goes on a date with an NSA employee, And says, "So, tell me about myself."

Score: 715

New Tell Jokes

You know you can tell the difference between a boy and a girl ant by putting it in water? If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant

Score: 146

I tell everyone I can about the health benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

Score: 288

There's an easy way to tell an ants gender Put in on water. If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.

Score: 183

“My wife’s identical twin sister is living with us till she finds a job” I said to my friend

He asked “ do you know how to tell them apart ?”

I remarked “ why should I ?”

Score: 84

How can you tell the difference between Japanese people and other Asian people? Use a Geiger counter

*Credit: my friend who has a lot of dark humour

Score: 139

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.

It must have been the delivery.

Score: 88

Harry Potter can’t tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot... They’re both cauldron.

Score: 363

I named my dog 6 miles so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.

Score: 83

If someone is a vegan and does CrossFit... Which do they have to tell you first?

Score: 200

I don't even have kids and I always tell dad jokes. He loves them.

Score: 106

Tell me girl, do you like soda? Because I'd mount 'n do you. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Score: 92

Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair. It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

Score: 246

First rule of Vegan club: You tell everyone about Vegan club.

Score: 385

How does an Indian girl tell her family she will be wearing a Western dress to her wedding? "Sorry, not Sari."

Score: 286

Why did the vegan cross the road? To tell someone he was a vegan.

Score: 700

A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket But I don't think I could pull if off

Score: 336

Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Student: I is the...

Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Score: 601

I work in a prison, and when people ask me if I enjoy my job... ...I tell them that it has it's pros and cons.

Score: 290

Shark Tank *on Shark Tank*

Sharks: what's your idea?

Me: ridiculously wide sunglasses

Shark 1: I'm out

Shark 2: I'm out as well

Hammerhead shark: tell me more

Score: 444

Just found out that ‘Aaarrrrggghhh’ is not a real word. I can’t even tell you how angry I am.

Score: 317

I'll often test new jokes for my set by posting them to /r/jokes The only downside is when I tell them on stage some dude in the back yells out "REPOST!"

Score: 165

Why did Walt Disney fire Snow White? 'Cause she kept sitting on Pinocchios' face singing 'tell me lies, tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies'.

*Joke's from my Dad and his friend*

Score: 108

I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like! [Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

Score: 129

Why can't dyslexic people tell jokes? Because they always punch up the fuckline

Score: 369

What did the kamikaze pilot tell his students? Watch closely. I'm only gonna show this once

Score: 388

Why is net neutrality so important? Somebody tell me, please! My ISP won't let me access the info for some reason.

Score: 129

"One man's trash is another man's treasure..." Was a pretty terrible way for my dad to tell me I was adopted.

Score: 106

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet. How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

Score: 242

I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I'm a faux pa.

Score: 89

Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago. ...But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.

Score: 195

It's not difficult to tell alligators and crocodiles apart One will see you later whereas the other will see you in a while.

Score: 160

I like to tell girls I have my own private jet But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi

Score: 250

How can you tell a strip club is not open? The sign says, "Sorry, we're clothed"

Score: 272

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying. I can also tell when they're standing.

Score: 465

I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie "My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"

10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said

"Just tell her Larry sent you"

Score: 135

Tell me, Sherlock, where do lemons come from? A lemon tree, dear Watson.

Score: 217

How can you tell how heavy a red hot chili pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

Score: 160

My maths teacher never goes outside I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

Score: 340

Do you know how to confuse a coal miner? Show him a row of shovels and tell him to take his pick.

Score: 397

Women are so ungrateful these days. I try and hold the door for them but all they do is scream and tell me to get out of the bathroom.

Score: 121

How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.

Score: 205

If towels could tell jokes... They'd probably have a dry sense of humor.

Score: 105

Take my advice - Do not interrupt your wife while she's trying to tell you a joke. You'll never hear the end of it.

Score: 94

Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start." So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

Score: 195

A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back.

Score: 179

How can you tell if someone was in the military? Give them 5 minutes and they'll tell you themselves.

Score: 318

I can't tell whether my new car's suspension is amazing, or if I'm a sociopath Either way when I ran over that pedestrian I didn't feel a thing.

Score: 280

Please dont tell jokes about domestic abuse... They hit too close to home

Score: 151

I called the ASPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six Badgers in a suitcase by the side of the road "Are they moving?" asked the operator

"Not sure" I replied "But that would explain the suitcase"

Score: 86

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" Is a good quote... But apparently its not the best way to tell your kid he's adopted.

Score: 127

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

Score: 88

I can't stand being in a wheelchair. Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.

Score: 95

Went to a nude beach today and let me tell you- I had a lot of women’s attention. I could just feel them dressing me with their eyes.

Score: 210

How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.

Score: 134

Just found out that 'aaaaarrrrggghhhh' isn't a real word I can't tell you how angry I am

Score: 492

I walk into a bar... ... And the waitress runs up to me and says. Please tell me you know CPR. I said, "LADY! not only that I know the whole alphabet". The whole bar was laughing, all except one guy...

Score: 118

Every time I tell dad jokes He laughs

Score: 171

What's the difference between children and Isis? Drones can't tell either

Score: 261

I heard some guy tell two horrible Malaysian Airline jokes The first one got no response, and the second one was shot down in flames.

Score: 111

Well, that's the last time I tell my girlfriend to sit on my face... whilst doing a Sean Connery impersonation.

Score: 96