Hilarious Thinking Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Thinking Jokes

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

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I was thinking the other day ... So I shouted, "Thomeone help! I can't thwim!"

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People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years. I'm more of a glass half full kind of guy,

I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!

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TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy Oops, wrong sub

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My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

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Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. Concrete floors are really hard to crack.

Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"

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True story: My wife told me after our first kid “I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

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My therapist says I'm paranoid. He didn't *actually* say that I but I know he was thinking it.

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I was banging this nice lady... I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every
day.

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My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks. Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.

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Statistics say that 1/3 of people cheat in their relationships Which got me thinking,
Is it my wife or is it my girlfriend who is cheating?

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A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."

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I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster... Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

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I was banging this nice lady………. I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

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I am thinking about pursuing a job as a crowd estimator I wonder how many people are in that field

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If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you.. I'd start thinking about you.

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I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight... But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

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My friend was thinking of getting a labrador. I had to talk him out of it: "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

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A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador." His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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My Doctor reckons I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I know he's thinking it.

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What is a Freudian slip? A Freudian slip is when someone says one thing when thinking of amother.

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A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime." Father: "Government or private sector?"

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If I had a nickel for every time I thought of you I'd start thinking about you.

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I painted my computer black... thinking it would run faster

but it just stopped working

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If I had a dollar everytime I thought about you I would start thinking about you

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I'm thinking of removing my spine It's only holding me back.

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What does a pregnant teen and her baby have in common? They're both thinking,"Mom is gonna kill me".

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I'm thinking of opening a pre-owned clock store... I'm gonna call it 'Second Hand'.

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I'm thinking of opening a sperm bank and calling it... "Get a load of this guy"

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I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, and I was thinking.

"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

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I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night... The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

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What do you call a sexist Masseuse? A Massaginist!

It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

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Today I decided to take the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster... If anything he seems more sluggish!

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I was thinking about buying a blindfold, but decided not to I just couldn't see myself wearing it

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I went to the Doctor and he said that I was paranoid He didn't actually say that but I knew what he was thinking.

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Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts. Been thinking about this all night.

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I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland No particular reason, but the flag's a big plus

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I took the shell off my racing snail... I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster.
If anything, it made him more sluggish.

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New Thinking Jokes

I am thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs. It’ll be my Civic duty.

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If any of you are thinking of getting married, please consider this carefully On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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I was thinking of a chemistry joke But all the good ones Argon

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My gf is so immature. She walks into the bathroom while I'm taking a bath,totally unannounced,and sinks all of my boats.Is it just me,or is that just totally immature.I was thinking about telling her mom.

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I’m thinking about losing my virginity to an autistic person I want my first time to be special

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I went out on a date with Bigfoot thinking he would be a nice guy. Yeti stood me up

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My home town are having their annual incest competition... I’m thinking of entering my sister.

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hey babe, if I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd start thinking about you

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Been thinking of buying property in Syria... heard the housing markets been booming.

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Due to the negative connotation of the phrase "colored people" the NAACP is thinking about changing their name to reflect more modern terms like "African Americans" But then they said NAAAA.

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I was thinking of telling you my best pizza joke... But it's way too cheesy.

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When I went shopping for a christmas tree last year... ... the guy asked "are you gonna put it up yourself?" and I said "no, I was thinking the livingroom"

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I was thinking of getting a brain transplant I changed my mind

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I'm thinking about becoming a Catholic.. Only because I haven't been touched sexually in years and I'm desperate.

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I was thinking about working in elevator maintenance I've heard the job has its ups and downs.

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For Halloween I'm going to dress my dog up as a famous pope. I was thinking Pope John Paw.

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I was thinking of taking a new job where I'll care for horses all day. It's not a high paying job, but it is a stable one.

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I'm thinking about an app to let people rate strippers I want to name it "Strip Advisor"

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My girlfriend said she'd be with me forever if I got a job on a ship. I'm thinking of mariner.

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I'm thinking of starting a service to find out the heritage of West Virginia residents I'll call it Incestry™

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I've been thinking about learning sign language. I've heard it's pretty handy.

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I was thinking about going to the grave of Karl Marx But then I heard it was just another communist plot.

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I was sitting in my room just thinking about my life, when I started wondering how things got to be so dark. Then I realized I forgot to pay the electric bill.

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Doctor: how did you get a black eye? Me: I was banging my neighbor over the kitchen counter when we heard he front door open.

She said, "that's my husband! Quick try the back door!"

Thinking back I should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday!

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I was thinking about starting an odorless candle company But I realized it wouldn't make any scents

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My other grandfather was a peeping tom he use to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the apartment below. He died recently but I kind of like thinking about him up there somewhere.....looking down on us.

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I've just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it's raining in Sweden… And I'm thinking, "Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"

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I'm thinking of a number between 1 to Infinity. What number am I thinking of? Yours

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A buddy and I were thinking of starting a band called 'Yard Sale'. Just think of all the free publicity posters!

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I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him faster If anything it made him more sluggish

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I interviewed a homeless man, asked him where he saw himself in 5 years. I gave him points for thinking outside the box

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To anyone thinking that a womans place is the kitchen Remember that's where the knives are kept.

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Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar.. He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"

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A man, his girl and his nights. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something his girl says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finishes.

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Girl: You weren't even listening just now were you?! Guy Thinking: "Hmm, that's a weird way to start a conversation."

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The United Airlines incident has me re-thinking the validity of... the 'fight-or-flight' mechanism.

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My girlfriend got pregnant, so I've been thinking about a name for over two weeks I chose Carlos and escaped to Mexico

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My doctor diagnosed me with paranoia yesterday Well that's not what he said, but I could tell he was thinking it

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I was thinking it might be a good idea if we buried Donald Trump in a few tons of concrete... ... but that might set a bad president.

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If Ekans is snake backwards and Arbok is cobra backwards... Then what *were* the Pokemon developers thinking when they named one Muk.

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If thinking deeply in the shower is called a showerthought And thinking deeply on the toilet a shitthought, what would you call thinking deeply while driving?

An accident.

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Why are fishmongers only thinking about themselves? Cause they sell fish

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I was sitting in the Chinese restaurant, thinking about how duckling means little duck... So I canceled my order of dumplings.

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I painted my PC black thinking it would run faster... ... but now it doesn't work.

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A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven. He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?"

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What's the opposite of critical thinking? Critical theory.

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What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog

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A Jew gets robbed The thief points a gun threateningly at the Jew, "Your money or your life!"

The Jew stops in his tracks and does nothing.

The thief waves the gun. "I said, your money or your life!!!!"

The Jew says, "I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"

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My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help. Today I stand corrected.

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I made an app that tells you were people with dwarfism are at all times. I can't be the only one thinking of the imp-locations.

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I clicked "Submit a Joke" before thinking of what I'd say Now I know how the Republican party feels.

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My doctor's just told me I am suffering from paranoia Well, he didn't actually say that, but I could tell it was what he was thinking

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The kind of woman that ya make your wife. I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

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I was thinking of becoming a banker ... But I lost interest

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TIFU by sitting next to a really hot Thai chick on the bus home today and kept thinking, "Don't get an erection, don't don't don't..."

But she did.

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I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing. Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...

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People keep telling me to start thinking for myself... I'm not sure what they want me to think about.

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If I had a dollar for every time I ever thought of you, I'd probably start thinking about you.

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A man goes to buy a Christmas Tree... ... After the salesman rings him up and helps him strap it to the car, he asks, "were you planning on putting this up yourself?" to which the man responds, "Actually, I was thinking of putting it in the living room."

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So we're all thinking it by this point! Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says W T F

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