Contents
Contents
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waste.
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
If I had a Delorean I’d probably only drive it from time to time...
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis Would it even matter?
With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on, I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"
Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world? Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”
Putin visits Estonia
Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".
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"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".
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"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".
I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. I think it's time for a new keyboard.
My father told me that I'm in the 1% He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday. Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia
She said she would never want to place that burden on me..
I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.
Every “yo mamma” joke has been done thousands of time, by thousand of people. Kinda like yo mamma.
Have you seen the new Exorcist movie? This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore... Definitely time for a new keyboard.
I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
I got banned from laser tag today.
Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.
EDIT: Thanks guys, you blew up my inbox again. At least this time I know how to disable inbox replies.
I thought of having a threesome But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice
Must be why I'm an only child
Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!
4th of July, The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!
If I got 50 cents every time I failed a maths exam... I’d have about $6.30 by now.
My dentist asked me the last time I flossed I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."
If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time? A repost.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
What do me and Donald Trump have in common?
We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.
Edit: Okay, this made it to the front page of the sub. I didn't expect this to be my top post of all time, thanks a lot /r/jokes
My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.
"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.
EDIT: Front page for the first time. Thanks guys, means a lot.
Hate when people ask me where I see my self in 3 years time. I dont have 2020 vision
I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke but you guys didn't like it
My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.
The last time I was somebody's type I was donating blood
what does 18 + 15 equal? Jail time
Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.
This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up Here I go again on my own.
Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time. They have enough on their plate already.
Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.
I burned 2000 calories today. Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.
When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away
Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.
As a Canadian..
Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...
...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free
if i got a dollar for every time i think about you.... ..i would start to think about you
I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
My wife got naked and told me to show her a good time So I showed her a picture of my friends and I before we got married.
I was going to do a joke about time travel… …but nobody liked it.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered The chicken
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you.. I'd start thinking about you.
Why is the birthrate in Japan so low? Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.
The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed
The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time
I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times... This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad
The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here." Two time travellers walk into a bar.
If I had a nickel for every time a girl didn't find me attractive... Girls would find me attractive
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant. It seems I can't take anything out on time.
A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors
But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.
Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.
Women are like parking lots. The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious…
The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.
Testing products on animals
Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.
Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.
Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves
Found my wife's G Spot lastnight! Turns out her sister had it the whole time!
The worst part about being a giraffe
is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Credit. The Joke Cafe
Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt
I wonder...
I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented.
I asked my 26 siblings for advice.
Every time it rains I find my wife standing at the window, looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her inside.
In my spare time I like to help blind people. I mean the verb, not the adjective.
Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start." So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER..." ...is when they're lowering my casket into the ground
My girlfriend's parents are very religious
The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.
If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective... I'd say it was Doctor Whom.
My girlfriend said she needs time and distance... Is she trying to calculate velocity?
According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map. They're really ahead of their time.
You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. You'd be way too short and weak.
My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised. In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly Sherman marched to the sea
You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?
My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr.
A couple was having a conversation, when...
...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."
Today a Gender Studies student asked me how our society viewed lesbians
Apparently, in HD wasn't the correct answer.
Time to update my display to 4K.
So, I just tried a new drinking game.
I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.
Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.
A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?"
"You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"
"Not this time, your dog died."
I had pot brownies for the first time last week. I guess the baker was out of pans.
I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won I said, "yeah man, you're free!"
My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time
My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity
At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.
Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time? Because the signs say "No trespassing"
I love the way Pitbull says "Mr.World Wide" at the start of a song. Because it gives me time to change the station.
Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes? He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.
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