Time Jokes

Contents

Funniest Time Jokes

If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

Score: 26256

My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

Score: 18837

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Score: 17302
Funny Time Jokes
Score: 15814

Tide has some serious ad time during the superbowl this year Must be able to afford it after cornering the teenage snack food market

Score: 15075

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waste.

Score: 14064

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Score: 13598

If I had a Delorean I’d probably only drive it from time to time...

Score: 13190

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis Would it even matter?

Score: 12950

With the rise of self-driving vehicles... With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Score: 12715

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on, I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

Score: 12607

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Score: 12470

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Score: 12166

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world? Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

Score: 12124

A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."

Score: 11879

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

Score: 10462

Putin visits Estonia Immigration officer says: "Name?". "Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin".

​

"Address?" "Kremlin, Moscow, Russia".

​

"Occupation?" "No, this time just visiting".

Score: 9680

I can't see an end. I have no control and I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore. I think it's time for a new keyboard.

Score: 9663

My father told me that I'm in the 1% He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.

Score: 9654

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday. Apparently you are not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Score: 9256

My wife said she would rather commit suicide than have dementia She said she would never want to place that burden on me..
I said, honey that's the fifth time you've told me that.

Score: 8946

Every “yo mamma” joke has been done thousands of time, by thousand of people. Kinda like yo mamma.

Score: 8685

Have you seen the new Exorcist movie? This time it’s the devil trying to get the priest out of the child.

Score: 8095

I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore... Definitely time for a new keyboard.

Score: 8043

I keep getting hit by the same bike, at the same time and place, day after day... It's a vicious cycle.

Score: 7827

My girlfriend and I broke up today Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

Score: 7186

I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

EDIT: Thanks guys, you blew up my inbox again. At least this time I know how to disable inbox replies.

Score: 6865

I thought of having a threesome But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents

Score: 6774

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!

Score: 6766

4th of July, The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Score: 2918

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Score: 2124

Edgar Allen Poe is about to walk into a tree and you only have enough time to say one word before he hits it. What should you say to him? Poetry!

Score: 1990

If I got 50 cents every time I failed a maths exam... I’d have about $6.30 by now.

Score: 1816

My dentist asked me the last time I flossed I replied, "You remember.. You were there.."

Score: 1715

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time? A repost.

Score: 1683

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter. He runs Facebook.

Score: 1626

After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting... "Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"

Score: 1592

What do me and Donald Trump have in common? We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.

Edit: Okay, this made it to the front page of the sub. I didn't expect this to be my top post of all time, thanks a lot /r/jokes

Score: 1418

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. "Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

EDIT: Front page for the first time. Thanks guys, means a lot.

Score: 1374

Popular Topics

New Time Jokes

Hate when people ask me where I see my self in 3 years time. I dont have 2020 vision

Score: 172

I actually wanted to post a time traveling joke but you guys didn't like it

Score: 1040

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

Score: 726

The last time I was somebody's type I was donating blood

Score: 221

what does 18 + 15 equal? Jail time

Score: 645

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie? Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!

Score: 794

My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.

Score: 787

This is the third time my friends have agreed to attend a Whitesnake concert and haven't turned up Here I go again on my own.

Score: 362

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time. They have enough on their plate already.

Score: 669

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

Score: 455

I burned 2000 calories today. Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

Score: 195

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don’t want to intimidate her with the competition right away

Score: 657

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

Score: 226

As a Canadian.. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...


...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

Score: 315

if i got a dollar for every time i think about you.... ..i would start to think about you

Score: 259

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

Score: 877

My wife got naked and told me to show her a good time So I showed her a picture of my friends and I before we got married.

Score: 185

I was going to do a joke about time travel… …but nobody liked it.

Score: 259

I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered The chicken

Score: 861

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you.. I'd start thinking about you.

Score: 603

Why is the birthrate in Japan so low? Last time they had a little boy, 66,000 people died.

Score: 491

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

Score: 780

I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times... This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

Score: 306

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve time travellers here." Two time travellers walk into a bar.

Score: 538

If I had a nickel for every time a girl didn't find me attractive... Girls would find me attractive

Score: 196

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant. It seems I can't take anything out on time.

Score: 328

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Score: 373

Women are like parking lots. The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

Score: 190

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious… The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

Score: 467

Testing products on animals Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

Score: 400

Today I finally took the decision to ground one of my children for the first time I hope that stops them from electrocuting themselves

Score: 312

Found my wife's G Spot lastnight! Turns out her sister had it the whole time!

Score: 645

The worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

Credit. The Joke Cafe

Score: 678

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

Score: 508

I wonder... I always wondered what my parents did to pass time before things like the internet and TVs were invented.
I asked my 26 siblings for advice.

Score: 190

Every time it rains I find my wife standing at the window, looking kind of sad. Maybe I should let her inside.

Score: 295

In my spare time I like to help blind people. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Score: 1219

Every time I put my key in the ignition, a light comes on that says, "depress clutch to start." So I lean down and tell the clutch, "Everybody likes brake and accelerater better than you."

Score: 195

The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER..." ...is when they're lowering my casket into the ground

Score: 248

My girlfriend's parents are very religious The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

Score: 403

If I was being subjective, I'd say the greatest science fiction show of all time was Doctor Who, but if I was being objective... I'd say it was Doctor Whom.

Score: 262

My girlfriend said she needs time and distance... Is she trying to calculate velocity?

Score: 181

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map. They're really ahead of their time.

Score: 191

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. You'd be way too short and weak.

Score: 480

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised. In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

Score: 518

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly Sherman marched to the sea

Score: 301

You already know the punchline. What is the worst part about time travelling jokes?

Score: 716

My doctor told me I need fewer trans fats in my life... Looks like it's time to delete Tumblr.

Score: 178

A couple was having a conversation, when... ...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

Score: 252

Today a Gender Studies student asked me how our society viewed lesbians Apparently, in HD wasn't the correct answer.

Time to update my display to 4K.

Score: 212

So, I just tried a new drinking game. I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.


Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.

Score: 278

A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

Score: 455

I had pot brownies for the first time last week. I guess the baker was out of pans.

Score: 211

I was visiting NYC for the first time when a black guy walked up to me and asked if the Yankees won I said, "yeah man, you're free!"

Score: 183

My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time

Score: 998

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

Score: 1004

At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

Score: 308

Why don't you ever see three mexicans crossing the border at the same time? Because the signs say "No trespassing"

Score: 563

I love the way Pitbull says "Mr.World Wide" at the start of a song. Because it gives me time to change the station.

Score: 278

Why did Gollum leave the room every time Sam and Frodo lit their pipes? He couldn't stand being around such filthy habitses.

Score: 189

Popular Topics