Hilarious Told Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Told Jokes

I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number. I told her we use names here.

Score: 27217

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed... After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Score: 18959

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary... Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

Score: 18642

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book... She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle J you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Score: 17941

My wife is turning 32 soon... I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Score: 16911

Score: 16365

My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."

Score: 16352

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Score: 15725

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Score: 15620

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them... I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

Score: 15281

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!

The others were all eights and nines.

Score: 15199

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Score: 15123

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen. I was touched.

Score: 14191

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Score: 13598

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like

Score: 13240

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"

Score: 13048

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

Score: 13033

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility If only they could see me now!

Score: 11513

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper... I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

Score: 11507

I told my niece that I saw a moose on the way to work this morning She said, “How do you know he was on his way to work?”

Score: 11172

A girl once told me, “If you lost about 50 pounds you’d be cute” I told her, “if I lost 50 pounds I’d be talking to your friends!”

Score: 10948

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting. She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Score: 10928

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Score: 10857

Told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other.

Score: 10514

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids... In one ear, out the other!

Score: 10434

One of my friends told me that ever since they changed genders, their kids won't even look at them anymore.. It's almost as if they have become trans-parent.

Score: 10300

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

Score: 10115

I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

Score: 10068

I went to the doctors yesterday and unfortunately he told me i lost 20% of my sight Sigh...

Score: 10024

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Score: 9999

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!

Score: 9229

My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection... You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

Score: 7222

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 3621

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed? Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

Score: 3591

My psychologist told me: "Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

Score: 3236

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Score: 3084

The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses."

Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

Score: 2727

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

Score: 2474

I told god a Holocaust joke. He didn't laugh. after a moment of awkward silence, I said: "Well I guess you should have been there".

Score: 2414

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better Pence: The fewer

Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

Score: 2392

New Told Jokes

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was arrested on suspicion that i was too good in bed After 2 mins all charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence.

Score: 972

My doctor asked if I wanted an extra chromosome. I told him I'd be down with that.

Score: 416

When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

Score: 770

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is I told him, "My door is always open".

Score: 507

I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad

That fly didn't stand a chance

Score: 328

A Store Manager asked me to move a Kia that was blocking an exit... I told him, "I would, but that's not my Forte."

Score: 441

I told my mom "Make me" She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"

Score: 641

The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome. I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

Score: 438

My girlfriend told me I'm bad in bed I told her she should learn to enjoy the little things in life

Score: 257

I jokingly told my friend I was collecting the corpses of past emperors of Russia and dumping them into a giant ravine, but he thought I was serious and asked what was wrong with me. I guess he just doesn't understand tsar chasm.

Score: 1558

A vegan, feminist and a famous rapper walk in a bar I only knew because they told me 10 times.

Score: 245

I told my Dad he should embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug.

Score: 1215

I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid, but my mom told me the sky is the limit.

Score: 261

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them. He asked: "By mistake?"

I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

Score: 328

I lied about my age A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did she marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 45?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

Score: 2184

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door"

Score: 657

I told two twins their matching outfits are cute... "Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.

To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."

Score: 287

My wife just told me that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I believe her, bananas are much easier to peel.

Score: 265

I'll never forget what my grandad told me before he kicked the bucket Daniel I'm sick of this bucket

Score: 277

My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he pushed me off the roof.

Score: 456

The blacksmith hires an apprentice He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith

Score: 386

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

Score: 1459

This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.

Score: 739

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife.

Score: 614

I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic... Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago

Score: 1250

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......" My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

Score: 980

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos... I had to put my foot down.

Score: 270

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl She asked me for my number.

I told her that we usually use names.

Score: 1672

I hate women who lie over the smallest things. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Score: 695

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me... I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

Score: 665

My son wanted me to buy him GTA When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Score: 364

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Score: 585

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me

Score: 695

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious… The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

Score: 467

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess... So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

Score: 1914

I gave my friend an elephant for his room. He told me "thank you."
I said "don't mention it."

Score: 1367

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar I know because they told me.

Score: 1413

I told a girl at work she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Score: 945

My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony... ...which was ironic because we were at a train station

Score: 1186

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

Score: 611

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it.... We went and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.

Score: 566

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

Score: 1747

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky. I told her to close the door on her way back in.

Score: 760

I told my hot coworker how I felt and she felt the same way... So I turned on the air conditioning

Score: 657

My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space... It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

Score: 970

*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!

Score: 354

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though I'll figure out what procrastination means later

Score: 446

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!" A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

Score: 277

I told my dad embrace your mistakes. That's when my dad hugged me and my brother.

Score: 240

My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

Score: 470

My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.

Score: 248

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

Score: 545

I've been talking to a 13 year old girl for about 2 weeks now We've been texting a lot lately and she just told me she's an undercover cop, that's quite impressive for her age.

Score: 366

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better' Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

Score: 919

I told my wife she was applying her eyebrows too high She looked surprised.

Score: 1344

I keep getting told I'm a terrible mailman.. Oops I've posted this in the wrong place

Score: 307

I had a job interview today. I was offered the job and told the salary was £7.50 an hour for the first three months and would then go up to £15 an hour.

The guy asked me when I could start.

I replied "In three months."

Score: 282

My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time

Score: 998

My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke. We are in a serious relationship.

Score: 941

I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Score: 411