Twitter Jokes

Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

EDIT: Meant to do this before this post got too popular, but it exploded while I was at school. Credit goes to @ewfeez from twitter

What is the difference between Game of Thrones and Twitter? With Twitter you only get 140 characters.

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook? Because he has followers, not friends.

How can you tell an ant's gender? 1. Get a glass full of water
2. Throw the ant into the glass
3. If it sinks, it's girl ant
4. If it floats, it's boy ant

Edit: Sorry about the repost, heard this joke from a friend, who, in turn, saw it on Twitter. :):

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter? He killed all 140 characters.

Donald Trump on Twitter: "The Theater has always been a safe place" Abraham Lincoln: "Dude"

Why does Voldemort use Twitter but not Facebook? He only has followers, not friends.

"I always try to go the extra mile for my customers" -New York's most hated cab driver


Courtesy of @lordbeef on Twitter

Why doesn't Pacman use Twitter? He doesn't like being followed.

I was at an important job interview today, when they asked me if I was on Facebook… "Sorry, no. I'm not." I replied.

"Twitter?"

"Nope."

"Instagram?"

"Nah."

"Look, just put your phone away, will you!?"

Why doesn't George RR Martin use twitter? Because he killed all 144 characters

-stolen from /r/gameofthrones

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam? Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

My recent letter from the BBC read... "Thanks for entering your wife into our new quiz show.

However, we feel you may have misread the title?

The show is actually called "Fact Hunt"




Credit @ShitJokes via Twitter.

France has a Twitter account but it's only used for retweeting.

How do you keep Trump busy for the rest of his term? Tell him his twitter phone is in the corner of his office.

One day Facebook, YouTube and Twitter will merge. It will be called YouTwitFace.

My dad I nicknamed my dad “net neutrality” because he’s gone and we don’t talk about him anymore.

Credit: @goodguyfitz (twitter)

Why does George R.R Martin never use Twitter? Because he killed all 140 characters.

I'm beginning to worry about my obsession with technology. I told my doctor, "I think I'm addicted to Twitter."
He replied, "I don't follow you."

What's the difference between Twitter and Game of Thrones? Twitter only allows 140 characters.

Doctor, doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter... Sorry, I don't follow you.

My New Girlfriend Facebook asks what I'm thinking.

Twitter asks what I'm doing.

Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

Twitter Addiction A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter? There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter! The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you...

So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account... He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.

Why was Game Of Thrones banned from twitter? Because twitter has an 140 character limit.

I made fun of the official Minecraft Twitter account So they blocked me

So the Pope joined twitter so he can "Reach out to a younger generation." He is certainly not the first Catholic to have done that.

"Ebola" is trending on Twitter... ...does that mean it's gone viral?

Well... there goes Ted's reputation Trump: No one embarrasses themselves on Twitter like I do

Ted Cruz: Hold my milk

Trump: Wait, this isn't milk...

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

What would the French say if they had Twitter during WWII? Retweet! Retweet!

If 50 cent were a woman.. would her name be 35 cent? Credit : twitter @the_anastasia

My girlfriend broke up with me on Twitter. I hope she tweets him better than she tweeted me.

It's a good thing that President Trump uses Twitter It limits what he can say.

I'm pretty sure my next door neighbor thinks I'm a stalker. She wrote it on Facebook,Twitter, and in both of her diaries.

Have you heard the one about the guy that got locked out of his house after having Italian for dinner? He had gnocchi...


Credit: twitter user @Mostly_Cheese

"How much longer are we going to have endure this erupting volcano full of hot air and gas" asked the Hawaiian "I don't know, but turn off Twitter for a short term solution"