Hilarious Weight Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Weight Jokes

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman? The woman. They always lie about their weight.

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I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

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If online bullying has taught us anything. It's that some kids would rather kill themselves than lose a bit of weight.

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Which is heavier, 200 pounds of brick, or 200 pounds of feather? The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers? A ton of feathers. Because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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True story: My wife told me after our first kid “I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

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What's heavier, 200 pounds of bricks, or 200 pounds of feathers? The feathers, because 200 pounds of bricks is just 200 pounds of bricks, but with the feathers, you've also got to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

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Water can solve all your issues. Want to lose weight? Drink water. Need to wake up? Splash water on your face. Someone annoying you? Drown them.

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I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

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Why do guys gain weight after marriage? Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

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How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

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I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women. There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

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Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity. There were just too many elephants in the room.

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The king asks a commoner... "Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

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So, i wanted to know what my weight was. 'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.

But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

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My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it. When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

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My obese parrot died It was a real weight off of my shoulder

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The worst part about online dating is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

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A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach. "Joe, you know that's not going to help you," she said

"Oh it helps a lot," he replies. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

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The UK Government has decided to make LSD legal as a drug for weight loss It makes sense if you think about it. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it...

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Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks? The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

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My girlfriend is always complaining that I make fun of her weight all the time. I just wish she'd just lighten up a little.

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What has caused Caitlyn Jenner to put on weight? Trans fats.

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"I'm leaving you!..." “I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

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To the guy who stole my weight loss pills.. You'll have nothing to gain.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it. 

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Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow... He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

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My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

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Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

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Studies show that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.

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Why do women gain weight after they get married? Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.

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Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say “sorry about the weight.” I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.

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I got my wife an amazing new lipstick that makes you lose weight. It's called "Superglue".

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Latest reserch shows, that women with extra weight... Live longer, than the men, that mention it.

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Only been going to the gym a week And already hitting the max weight on one of the machines.

Shame it's the scales

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A husband was checking his weight on the scale and started sucking his gut in when his wife says "you know that doesn't change anything, right?" He replies "It does too!" "Now I can see the numbers..."

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I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen

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New Weight Jokes

Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake. Just don't pick it up.

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Socialism is good for only one thing. Weight loss.

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My doctor told me the best way to lose weight is to think of dessert as a drug. I've been freebasing two cannoli a day.

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My weight loss secret? I stopped drinking. Butter.

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I really didn’t think I was getting that fat.. Until the lady at McDonalds said “Sorry about your weight”

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New name for weight loss pills Pills of mass destruction!

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I found a way to drastically lose weight while sleeping! and the money from selling my organs isn't bad either.

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The Heavy Weight World Champion belt will no longer be fashioned to look like a large watch. They realized it was just a huge waist of time.

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What is the weight of all the bones found in one body? A skele-ton.

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When do Asians gain the most weight? When their dog dies

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I cancelled my gym membership... Now I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

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Your mother Your mother is so prodigious they do not measure her weight in stone, they measure it in boulder!

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How much does a Hipster weight ? 2 Instagram

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Are your scales working? We'll have to weight and see...

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What's heavier? 100 pounds of bricks or 100 pounds of feathers? 100 pounds of feathers. Because 100 pounds of bricks is just 100 pounds of bricks. But with the feathers, you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

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I just cancelled my overpriced gym membership I feel like I've finally lifted a huge weight off my chest

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My boss said to me, "you're the anchor of this company!" He knows I'm a dead weight at the end of my rope...

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Japan worked well for my weight loss. Can't even pick up my food.

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Yo mama is so fat... ...I was crushed by the weight of the pun responsibility.

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What do weight lifter's do in the shower? Clean and Jerk

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If you want to lose weight, start the Lance Armstrong diet Just have one nut

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A guy asks his friend how he lost so much weight. His friend says, "I took up drinking and driving. It works like a charm!"
The guy says "Oh man, you need to stop, you're going to get yourself killed!"
His friend replies back, "Yeah, it was a bit of a crash diet."

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I realized today I reached my ideal weight years ago....... I just haven't reached my ideal height of 7'6" yet.

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What's blue and doesn't weight very much? Lite Blue

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Extra weight A recent study has found that women who carry a bit of extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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I recently cancelled my expensive gym membership... I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the urn.

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I just cancelled my gym membership I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

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What food makes women gain weight fastest? Wedding cake.

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What does a priest do when he wants to lose weight? Exorcise.

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Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.” Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

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My sister is fat so they sent her to a weight loss camp.... I have ADHD, so they're sending me to a concentration camp

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For the first few weeks after joining Weight Watchers... ... You're just finding your feet.

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Today we’ll be discussing near-death experiences and why not to talk to your wife or girlfriend about weight gain.

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What do you call someone born in a gym? Weight I forgot the punchline

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Did you hear about the moose who wanted to lose weight? He went on a diet and now he's a Muslim

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“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!” “I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”

“But honey, what about our child?”

“What child?!”

“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”

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What did the whale say to the diver? "Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."

What did the whale say to the marine biologist?

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooo."

What did the whale say to my wife?

"Hey; you should lose weight."

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What is the ideal weight for an ex-wife? About 3 pounds including the urn.

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The only way to loose weight from green tea is that You pick it from the mountains yourself

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A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight Needless to say we didn't work out

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A recent study has found that women who carry extra weight live longer... Than the men who mention it.

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My friend was sad and complaining to me about how she's having trouble losing weight. "The change isn't immediate", I told her. "Just keep your chins up."

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My parents congratulated me on my 215lb weight loss... I don't think they liked my ex-boyfriend.

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What's the SI Unit for measuring Light's Weight? Hologram.

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Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries!

Man: Right here!

Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight.

Man: Oh, it wasn't long at al- wait...

Clerk: >:D

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My friend doesn't like how I tell fat people jokes. I'm still not sure how their weight has to do with their sense of humor.

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People told me girls wait their whole lives to hear a man say "I do" Apparently not if the question was "Do you think I put on weight?"

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Do you know why I love working out? Because I always feel like a weight has been lifted.

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A new study has shown LSD causes new users to lose weight. Obviously, You can eat while there's a dragon gaurding your fridge.

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You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally. Do it when you are offered food

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Just bought a new phone, it's helping me with weight loss I don't have money to eat anything for 2 months.

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I told my friend that I disproved the theory of conservation of mass, But he didn't understand the weight of the situation.

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What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers? The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

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I lost half my weight in under a week, and heres how you can too! By stepping on a landmine.

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How do You Tell if a Woman is a Feminist If the boring clothes, weight problem, lack of makeup or angry demeanour doesn't give it away, she'll tell you within 2 minutes.

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Did you hear Obtuse Angle lost weight? He looks all right now.

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José was embarassed of his weight. No weigh José

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What does a waiter say to a fat person when it takes a long time to bring out the fat person's food? Sorry about your weight

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My girlfriend walked up and said she is expecting... me to lose weight.

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